Let me sleep

I just want to sleep and for this pain to go away. For once I am not talking about emotional pain. I have extreme stomach/back pains which is leaving me unable to walk or even sit. My boyfriend had to change my clothes for me cause I was too sore.

I really need sleep!

Sea monster please don't eat me

"Fatso"
"Sea monster please don't eat me"
"Looks like a sea monster running to eat someone"
"I see your true colours too, is FAT considered a colour"
"Are you a female or a dude? I can't tell you are so fucking ugly, I tend to think you're a shim"
"Please stop eating and drinking and die already. Please? Pretty please with no sugar on top?"
"I guess she realised how fat and ugly she really is"

Message heard, loud and clear.

FAT FAT FAT!!!

I don't know what to do! In 3 weeks I am going to Nepal with my boyfriend and I will meet all of his family, movie star friends and not to forget, his huge politician father. How can I go when I look like this? I'm fucking huge and I don't want to see his fucking hot as fuck ex girlfriends who are some iconic bollywood sex icon.

It's going to be so hot and I won't even be able to wear shorts or t-shirts cause of all my fucking scars. I'm gonna have to wear long sleeves at all times and tights. I have to lose as much weight as possible in 3 weeks so from now on I am restricting hardcore. It's going to be difficult though cause I have done nothing but binge for months and it is blatantly obvious because I am HUGE. FAT FAT FAT!

I wish I could just cut off all this fat. Fuck it, I am going to buy so many diet pills tomorrow and EPHEDRINE! Got to go search for ephedrine, right now.

Time for an update?

I was just watching 'Awkward' and for some reason I thought I would write a blog update.

Money things are finally sorted and they are pretty much throwing money at me for being 'mentally disabled'. For nearly a year I have went without money and now all of a sudden ESA and DLA are throwing money at me. Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing but I don't really know how to feel about it.

Last week was my final psychotherapy group day, yep that's the 6 months done. I pretty much fell apart after it ended but I kept it together till I was out of there when I probably should have told them how I felt about it. I have a follow up appointment in about 2 months and they will see how I'm doing and offer other group therapy if needed. I also have an appointment with a new psychiatrist on the 26th, which unfortunately is next week! I am shitting myself because I hate seeing new psychiatrists and I have already made my mind up, all psychiatrists are fucking assholes! Doesn't help that I need my meds changing and I know this Dr Suresh Bheemaradi (or however you fucking spell it) is going to be the same as Dr fucktard Muir and say that I need to relax and get over it. Argh, I fucking hate psychiatrists!

That's all I feel like saying at the moment.
Back to 'Awkward' (the best show ever).

TRIGGER! TRIGGER! TRIGGER!

I had to cut last night didn't I? I also had to cut deep and cover my arm in cuts. I had to go to hospital because my arm was so fucked up. All of this should be making me not want to do it again, right? NO! I want to take that razor and press it down as hard as I can and drag it across any part of my body and I don't want to stop until blood is spurting out of me. I shouldn't have cut because now that feeling is back again and I realise how much I have missed cutting my body up. I'm so fucked up, it's unreal. I have psychotherapy tomorrow and my self harm support worker so at least I'll have something to talk about. I badly want to live on my own and have no one close to me so I can lock myself indoors and cut myself as much as I want. Normal people dream of having a good job, a great family, a great partner etc and then there's me, wanting to be alone to cut myself 24/7 without having anyone interfering. I can't get the image of cutting deep into my arm out of my head. Last night I had an arterial bleed and seeig blood spurt out my arm felt like an achievement. How fucked up is that? How selfish? That's why I want to be alone cause that way I won't be hurting anyone by hurting myself. I need to cut. I want to cut. I have to cut. I feel sick with wanting it so much. It's kinda sad how this is the one thing I feel passionate about. The only thing I want to do withy self. I don't want to sort myself out. I want to cut!

Is this it?

Im not really sure where to begin. I will say now that this is going to be EXTREMELY TRIGGERING! AND DISGUSTING! I'm pretty sure my body is giving up on me. After all the years of bad use, I think it's finally catching up to me. I've already been told that having kids will be far from easy for me. I may have a tumour on my pituitary gland, most likely not cancerous but this could be causing my hormones to go fuckibg crazy. My breasts are leaking milk (not as much as it was), I have huge sores/boils all around my boobs, legs, lady parts and arms which ooze blood and puss daily. There's a mole on my arm which burst today and I thought it was never going to stop bleeding. All types of wounds are taking months to heal. When I sleep, I find it the hardest thing in the world to get up yet the only time I don't feel tired is when I stay awake for 40+ hours which I'm doing right now. I'm getting migraines daily. My vision is going to fuck, I keep missing steps going up and down them. Even this keypad is proving difficult because I see 2 of every letter, thankfully I can touch type. I can't keep in a straight line when I walk. My mood swings have been horrific, not being helped by the gremlin in my uterus producing fuck loads of blood. So right now I hate every single man, who by the way are a bunch of whiny little girls, I'm on my period so I'm excused. I have this in controllable urge to eat all the time which I guess isn't strange for me. For weeks now I have been getting incredibly strong stomach pains like I've never had before. What have I forgotten to whine about? Ah yeah, I can go a really long time without...shitting but then I get really bad diahhorea for a few hours then I can go another week without shitting. Oh yes and my back! Ever since I had that seizure in Febuary(?) my back has been excruciatingly painful. The doc said it was muscle pain and gave me meds which I have been taking for the past 5(?) months 2 times a day. I've cancelled my last 2 appointments with neurology because they made my life a living hell when I was younger. I've cancelled 2 EEG's, a normal doctor's appointment and many psych thingys. Mum wants me to get my skIn treated cause its infected and she wants me to get some sleeping pills. I've tried not showing anyone and I'm writing this here so I can rant as much as I want with no one paying attention. I got to sleep cause I have no idea what I'm saying anymore. Thanks you, iPhone. Night.

Fading away

I have scars on every part of my body and I am okay with that, they are part of me now. But they are fading and I don't like it at all. I used to have extensive scars on my legs and the ones on my left leg are almost all white. Yes they are still scars but they don't look bad. My left arm which was horrendous is now not so bad. I know my scars are still bad but I don't like that they are fading. It feels like a huge part of me is fading away and I know people will say that it's only skin and that I should be happy but with those scars, carries memories.

With so many, when I self harm no one really notices because there is so many already. Yeah they'll notice if they're fresh but not new scars. What if when they fade I go cut my body to shreads again? They show all my pain and when they go there will be nothing left. I have lived with for so long that I don't really want them to go away. It would be nice wearing shorts and short sleeved tops but I know that even when they fade I will have to have something to cover them up. They give me an excuse to hide my body. With them carries shame, pain and so many other things. It prevents me from getting really close to new people. They show vulnerability which I hate but that's another reason to hide them. People that know me think that I cover up to hide my scars but I also cover up to hide my fat body. I hate my body and it needs to be covered.

You know what's ironic? I'm actually making food while I type this. I know I need to lose weight and I desperately want to but I can't stop binging. I'm over eating because I'm so emotional and I eat a fuck ton when I'm like this. I want pancakes and jam but I ate 5 pancakes so they're finished. I'm making tortellini right now but don't really fancy it. I want something else but I don't know what. ICE CREAM! I have ice cream in the freezer! My life is complete.