Let me sleep

I just want to sleep and for this pain to go away. For once I am not talking about emotional pain. I have extreme stomach/back pains which is leaving me unable to walk or even sit. My boyfriend had to change my clothes for me cause I was too sore.

I really need sleep!

Sea monster please don't eat me

"Fatso"
"Sea monster please don't eat me"
"Looks like a sea monster running to eat someone"
"I see your true colours too, is FAT considered a colour"
"Are you a female or a dude? I can't tell you are so fucking ugly, I tend to think you're a shim"
"Please stop eating and drinking and die already. Please? Pretty please with no sugar on top?"
"I guess she realised how fat and ugly she really is"

Message heard, loud and clear.

FAT FAT FAT!!!

I don't know what to do! In 3 weeks I am going to Nepal with my boyfriend and I will meet all of his family, movie star friends and not to forget, his huge politician father. How can I go when I look like this? I'm fucking huge and I don't want to see his fucking hot as fuck ex girlfriends who are some iconic bollywood sex icon.

It's going to be so hot and I won't even be able to wear shorts or t-shirts cause of all my fucking scars. I'm gonna have to wear long sleeves at all times and tights. I have to lose as much weight as possible in 3 weeks so from now on I am restricting hardcore. It's going to be difficult though cause I have done nothing but binge for months and it is blatantly obvious because I am HUGE. FAT FAT FAT!

I wish I could just cut off all this fat. Fuck it, I am going to buy so many diet pills tomorrow and EPHEDRINE! Got to go search for ephedrine, right now.

Time for an update?

I was just watching 'Awkward' and for some reason I thought I would write a blog update.

Money things are finally sorted and they are pretty much throwing money at me for being 'mentally disabled'. For nearly a year I have went without money and now all of a sudden ESA and DLA are throwing money at me. Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing but I don't really know how to feel about it.

Last week was my final psychotherapy group day, yep that's the 6 months done. I pretty much fell apart after it ended but I kept it together till I was out of there when I probably should have told them how I felt about it. I have a follow up appointment in about 2 months and they will see how I'm doing and offer other group therapy if needed. I also have an appointment with a new psychiatrist on the 26th, which unfortunately is next week! I am shitting myself because I hate seeing new psychiatrists and I have already made my mind up, all psychiatrists are fucking assholes! Doesn't help that I need my meds changing and I know this Dr Suresh Bheemaradi (or however you fucking spell it) is going to be the same as Dr fucktard Muir and say that I need to relax and get over it. Argh, I fucking hate psychiatrists!

That's all I feel like saying at the moment.
Back to 'Awkward' (the best show ever).

TRIGGER! TRIGGER! TRIGGER!

I had to cut last night didn't I? I also had to cut deep and cover my arm in cuts. I had to go to hospital because my arm was so fucked up. All of this should be making me not want to do it again, right? NO! I want to take that razor and press it down as hard as I can and drag it across any part of my body and I don't want to stop until blood is spurting out of me. I shouldn't have cut because now that feeling is back again and I realise how much I have missed cutting my body up. I'm so fucked up, it's unreal. I have psychotherapy tomorrow and my self harm support worker so at least I'll have something to talk about. I badly want to live on my own and have no one close to me so I can lock myself indoors and cut myself as much as I want. Normal people dream of having a good job, a great family, a great partner etc and then there's me, wanting to be alone to cut myself 24/7 without having anyone interfering. I can't get the image of cutting deep into my arm out of my head. Last night I had an arterial bleed and seeig blood spurt out my arm felt like an achievement. How fucked up is that? How selfish? That's why I want to be alone cause that way I won't be hurting anyone by hurting myself. I need to cut. I want to cut. I have to cut. I feel sick with wanting it so much. It's kinda sad how this is the one thing I feel passionate about. The only thing I want to do withy self. I don't want to sort myself out. I want to cut!

Is this it?

Im not really sure where to begin. I will say now that this is going to be EXTREMELY TRIGGERING! AND DISGUSTING! I'm pretty sure my body is giving up on me. After all the years of bad use, I think it's finally catching up to me. I've already been told that having kids will be far from easy for me. I may have a tumour on my pituitary gland, most likely not cancerous but this could be causing my hormones to go fuckibg crazy. My breasts are leaking milk (not as much as it was), I have huge sores/boils all around my boobs, legs, lady parts and arms which ooze blood and puss daily. There's a mole on my arm which burst today and I thought it was never going to stop bleeding. All types of wounds are taking months to heal. When I sleep, I find it the hardest thing in the world to get up yet the only time I don't feel tired is when I stay awake for 40+ hours which I'm doing right now. I'm getting migraines daily. My vision is going to fuck, I keep missing steps going up and down them. Even this keypad is proving difficult because I see 2 of every letter, thankfully I can touch type. I can't keep in a straight line when I walk. My mood swings have been horrific, not being helped by the gremlin in my uterus producing fuck loads of blood. So right now I hate every single man, who by the way are a bunch of whiny little girls, I'm on my period so I'm excused. I have this in controllable urge to eat all the time which I guess isn't strange for me. For weeks now I have been getting incredibly strong stomach pains like I've never had before. What have I forgotten to whine about? Ah yeah, I can go a really long time without...shitting but then I get really bad diahhorea for a few hours then I can go another week without shitting. Oh yes and my back! Ever since I had that seizure in Febuary(?) my back has been excruciatingly painful. The doc said it was muscle pain and gave me meds which I have been taking for the past 5(?) months 2 times a day. I've cancelled my last 2 appointments with neurology because they made my life a living hell when I was younger. I've cancelled 2 EEG's, a normal doctor's appointment and many psych thingys. Mum wants me to get my skIn treated cause its infected and she wants me to get some sleeping pills. I've tried not showing anyone and I'm writing this here so I can rant as much as I want with no one paying attention. I got to sleep cause I have no idea what I'm saying anymore. Thanks you, iPhone. Night.

Fading away

I have scars on every part of my body and I am okay with that, they are part of me now. But they are fading and I don't like it at all. I used to have extensive scars on my legs and the ones on my left leg are almost all white. Yes they are still scars but they don't look bad. My left arm which was horrendous is now not so bad. I know my scars are still bad but I don't like that they are fading. It feels like a huge part of me is fading away and I know people will say that it's only skin and that I should be happy but with those scars, carries memories.

With so many, when I self harm no one really notices because there is so many already. Yeah they'll notice if they're fresh but not new scars. What if when they fade I go cut my body to shreads again? They show all my pain and when they go there will be nothing left. I have lived with for so long that I don't really want them to go away. It would be nice wearing shorts and short sleeved tops but I know that even when they fade I will have to have something to cover them up. They give me an excuse to hide my body. With them carries shame, pain and so many other things. It prevents me from getting really close to new people. They show vulnerability which I hate but that's another reason to hide them. People that know me think that I cover up to hide my scars but I also cover up to hide my fat body. I hate my body and it needs to be covered.

You know what's ironic? I'm actually making food while I type this. I know I need to lose weight and I desperately want to but I can't stop binging. I'm over eating because I'm so emotional and I eat a fuck ton when I'm like this. I want pancakes and jam but I ate 5 pancakes so they're finished. I'm making tortellini right now but don't really fancy it. I want something else but I don't know what. ICE CREAM! I have ice cream in the freezer! My life is complete.

I am still alive.

I am so sorry I have just abandoned this blog, I forgot about it for while and haven't been assed to write on here. I am going to start posting regularly again cause I need a good outlet.

Things have been rough, I won't lie. There's been many suicide attempts, self harm, binges, purges, drinking, smoking, fighting etc.

I am currently at a mentalization group at psychotherapy every Tuesday for 6 months and it is going really well. The majority of people in my group get on which is great and there's this one woman who has a lot of the same issues as me and we think alike. Having someone there who understands is really helpful, like we can almost read each others minds, it's freaky at times.

Me and my boyfriend are still living together and still a couple...kind of. Shit is a bit up in the air at them moment and I don't know what's happening as of yet. He has one idea and my mind changes every 5 minutes.

I got accepted to a different university to do human embryology and developmental biology which I'm meant to be starting in September this year but I'm not too sure if I'm going to be well enough yet.

Last week I was at the hormone clinic and I've got very high prolactin levels and I won't be able to have kids with this. They seem to think I have a tumour on my pituitary gland. The treatment for the prolactin thing, I can't have because it causes mental health problems and with my history they probably will never be able to give me it. The other treatment is birth control but obviously I won't be able to get pregnant on that either. If my blood tests show that my prolactin levels are still high I will have to get a brain scan and shit. It's the last thing I need to be honest.

Life right this second is getting a bit better but I badly want to self harm and the only reason I haven't yet is because my boyfriend will notice and I don't want anyone knowing.

Okay, off I go because I need a cig.
Hope you are all doing well.

Sorry I've been such a bad blogger lately, alot has been going on.

My boyfriend has moved in with me and I've been accepted into another University to study Human Embryology and Developmental Biology, I feel so smart writing that haha. Things have been a rocky ride but I'm getting by just about.

wanting to get drunk tonight to celebrate getting into University again. I'm scared I'm going to fail again but I need to stay positive.

I hope you guys are doing good. You'll find me onn THIN if you need/want me.
Much love. <3

For those who care

I thought it was about time I updated on here seen as it's been before christmas. I had a good enough christmas day until I threw myself down a flight of stairs twice. A few days later I ended up in hospital for an OD and a few days ago I admitted myself in to a psychiatric hospital up in Aberdeen but it was terrible and so my mum took me home today.

I am doing a lot better now and am feeling quite positive. I'm going to get help for my eating disorder and help with the rape a few months ago as they are the two I have prioritised. I've also promised to my boyfriend and nephew that I will stop self harming and that I will never do it again and that's going to be the hardest thing in the world for me but I don't intend on breaking my promise.

That's all for now.

Been in-patient.

Sorry I haven't updated in like forever.

I've been in-patient at a psychiatric hospital for a little while and before then everything was all messed up. I just got out of hospital today and thinking I left a bit too early seen as I have already sat on my window ledge (top floor) and thought about jumping down...boom dead Nikki.

I'm feeling a bit better now cause I've taken some meds (a little more than I should have) and I'm meeting my boyfriend tonight and we're gonna have an amazing time although I have my god damn period which means no sex tonight, I have no idea how to break that gently to someone who has been wanting me for weeks. :P

I'm going home to Aberdeen after staying at my boyfriends for a few days cause I badly want to be home now and see my family.

Oh yeah, have I mentioned I have a new boyfriend? :P He is the sweetest guy you could meet, he visited me in hospital every single night which made me very happy and he brought chocolate to me every night also, most of which I haven't eaten but the binge monster has been lurking a little.

That's all I feel like writing about right now, I kinda have no energy and I want another fag, speaking of which I have been smoking a lot. And in this past 2 weeks I have smoked more pot than in the past year.

Ta ta for now.

Can things ever get better?

I need a distraction so here goes. I'm not long out of hospital as I was taken in last night cause I overdosed (not majorly) and cut. The Intensive Home Care Treatment Team were meant to be taking care of me and making sure I was safe but they just dropped me off at home and said they would see me tomorrow even after my self harm suppert worker telling them that she was really worried about me and that I wasn't safe if I came home but did they listen? No of course they didn't. Guess I need to fight this alone seen as everyone else doesn't give a shit. Think I might go home tomorrow until the medication takes effect and I'm feeling a bit better and not planning ways to kill myself at every opportunity. If I had decent razors right now then I would be in a much worse state.

Part of me wants to be left alone to go into total self destruct mode and the only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because of my family as I know they would be completely devastated my death and I'm not willing to put them through that amount of hurt.

I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore, I'm drowning in all these feelings and because I have fucking Borderline Personality Disorder all my emotions are hightened so it's more intense for me and so fucking difficult to deal with. I'm doing my best to fight this but it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don't want to live anymore, that much I know.

This eating disorder is in full force aswell. I had £10 left in my account and a normal person would buy food seen as I have none but no not me, I bought cigs, Pepsi Max and chewing gum cause that's totally going to last me for 2-3 weeks. My flatmates cooked and there's soup left for me but I can;t face eating. I've also now run out of two sets of my pills so I really need to get some more tomorrow although I have no idea how cause I'm only seeing a psychiatric nurse tomorrow and they can;t prescribe medication, it needs to be a psychiatrist that does that but hopefully they'll figure something out. I don't even know if they will give me pills seen as I overdosed last night but I need my medication I realise that now.

I'm hoping on going home tomorrow but that means having to borrow money from one of my flatmates so I can get a train home. Home is the best way for me right now cause I'm less likely to kill myself or hurt myself there. It also give the medication a chance to take effect properly in a safe environment. The Intensive Home Care Treatment Team can go fuck themselves cause they clearly don't give a fuck if I'm alive or not.

I would like to think things can get better but every inch of me is saying that this is it and that it will never get better. People keep telling me it will get better but I just can't believe that right now with the way I'm feeling. I took my medication almost an hour ago so hopefully it will start to take effect soon.

Such a mess.

So while I'm all drugged up on anti-psychotic meds and not a suicidal mess I thought I would update on here.

My ex boyfriend called the police on Monday because I was about to kill myself and the idiot I am told him that I was feeling really unsafe. They came and I was reluctant to co operate but gave them my pills and sat back down but I had a razor in my pocket and I was cutting my hand while they were there. They noticed my blood covered hand and demanded that I emptied my pockets. The paramedics came and told me I had to go to the hospital to get a psych evaluation or else the police would take me and lock me in a cell. I went with them but got outside and I saw broken glass on the ground and I impulsively picked up the broken bottle, I had to fight with 3 male police officers who eventually got the bottle out my hand then put me in handcuffs. They escorted me to the hospital where I had two police officers sat with me at all time and no matter how much I asked to get the handcuffs off they refused. They wouldn't even give me my keys cause I was using them to hurt myself aswell. One of the police officers kept telling me to stop struggling in the handcuffs but I was getting burns from them by turning them so much and all I wanted was to harm so it was something. Two female officers came and took over and searched me for any other blade.

I was sat there for hours then eventually got a psych evaluation but I just wanted them to let me go home so I could die as I wanted nothing more. They refused to let me go home so got the intensive home care treatment team to come down and see if they would take me on as they are an alternative to inpatient and they try to keep people out of hospital at all costs. The police wanted me inpatient or in a police cell but eventually agreed to let me go home. I got meds and got through the night but the day after I went to my appointment, got more medication but then went out and bought a heap of pills and bleach and intended on killing myself. I finished off my suicide notes and was about to take the pills and drink the bleach but passed out on the bed and when I woke up I took more anti-psychotics and passed out again. The day after that I went to my appointment and told them I had the pills and such and they just told me they would phone me at 8pm and they did but not till after 9pm and I told them I badly wanted to take the pills and they didn;t even talk to me for 5 minutes. They told me to keep mindful and that they would phone me tomorrow afternoon...like yeah thanks a fucking bunch you useless arseholes.

So at 9.30-10pm I went out for a walk and climbed up this huge hill and at the top you can see the entire city, it was pitch black but really peaceful. I phoned my auntie and told her and my mum partly what happened but obviously not about the almost killing myself bit. I sat up there for over an hour smoking and trying to clear my head then eventually went back. I poured the bottle of vodka down the sink, flushed the pills and bleach down the toilet aswell when I got back. I'm back at home with mum right now and am drugged up on anti-psychotic meds that the doctor was shocked at. I phoned the doctor up at my mums to get meds to last me till Monday and he said "bloody hell Nikki, does that not knock you out cold cause that would have me passed out".

Hopefully the meds can keep me going for the weekend but I dunno what I will do when I have to go back to uni on Monday, no doubt I will turn into a suicidal mess again and self harming to cope. Can't believe I am in such a mess, I'm trying though.

35 stitches

Had to get 23 stitches last night and another psych evaluation. I was told that I had to go to an emergency psych appointment next week or end up in inpatient basically. If I didn't take the 12 stitches out that weren't meant to come out till tomorrow I would have 35 stitches...this makes me so fucking depressed. I know people that think stitches are cool and that they should always have stitches when they SI but I'm telling you this now, in NO way whatsoever is this shit cool. 9 years I have been doing this and I didn't think I would ever get to the stage where I needed 35 stitches in a week. If I could go back 9 years and show myself what this shit would do to me and others I would never have started.

I'm drinking again, this is becoming an almost daily thing now. Alcohol helps for a little bit then granted sometimes my mood plumets and I end up self harming bad but right now I don't care, I just want to disappear. I want to die.

I just took my razors apart and wore appropriate clothing for cutting then I ended up not cutting. I had everything planned out in my head and I was going to cut deep but I just didn't and I'm baffled as to why cause I want to cut. I'm just waiting for the urges to get overwhelming again then I'll cut. I'm sorry but I don't want to give it up, I'm not ready yet.

Help?

I posted this on THIN and I'm posting it here cause I'm fucking desperate.


I needed to talk/vent or I'm gonna go absolutely fucking insane. Since Saturday I have been on this huge self destructive roller coaster. I cut really badly on Saturday and punched a wall, same on Sunday and then on Monday. I was in the hospital twice cause I need to be patched up and to get an x-ray and some lovely psych evaluations. *rolls eyes* I'm being referred urgently to my community psych team and to a bunch of other people but I wasn't listening at this point. On Tuesday I was at breaking point in the kitchen having a really bad panic attack because I wanted to take all the pills that were in the kitchen and dip my hand in the pan of boiling water. I went home that night and stayed until today but as soon as I got back I self harmed really badly. I had to go to the hospital and I was there for 3 hours, they spent that long patching me up. They literally had to re-cut my skin to be able to stitch it because it was more than 24 hours since I did it and it was so bad that it desperately needed stitched. In 2 cuts I have 12 stitches. The doctor had to give me heaps of anaesthetic to numb the cuts but he didn't numb all the areas so I felt him putting the hook of the stitches through my arm and I didn't complain once, he asked if it was numb and I said yeah. LIES! I felt ashamed and so fucking depressed that I needed to feel pain.

No one knows I'm self harming again because it will destroy EVERYTHING! My kind of boyfriend has told me that I can visit him in december and all I can think about is how am I meant to stop cutting and let them heal before then. I can't do this. I'm 100% sucked back into this self harm addiction and it's ALL I can think about. I have already planned my next huge cutting session and potential overdose and I'm scaring myself. I am more than capable of doing it. I have no one to talk to, fuck I'm so scared. Help me?

Procrastination.

So instead of actually getting on with this essay that has to be handed in by 3pm (it's 2.30am) I'm sat here procrastinating and wasting valuable sleeping time, not that I would actually sleep if I went to bed seen as I didn't sleep till 7am yesterday morning. If I put my mind to it, this essay would be done in no time whatsoever but I just can't be fucking arsed and I know the longer I leave it the more stressed I'll get. Friday is usally my lazy uni day but because I never went to my 3 hour lab on Tuesday I need to attend the one tomorrow instead. *sadface*
I'm pretty much glugging back coffee which I really don't need to do but oh well. I'm so fucking bored, then why don't you just get on with your essay then? Eh, nah. *rolls eyes* I'm impossible.


I miss Pete. My mum has an issue with me and him getting 'friendly again'. Ha, what she doesn't know is that we've told eachother we still love one another and that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. I don't give a shit, he's my life and I can't believe how lucky I am to have him back in my life and for him to still love me more than any of you can imagine. I'm damaged goods and he doesn't care cause he loves me, wants me and needs me. Have you any idea how nice it is to be wanted so much and for someone to want nothing more than you to be safe, happy and loved? I love him so much and I refuse to fuck this up again.

Nikki get back to your essay you lazy fuck. Ok, bye guys.

Update.

Seems like I posted everywhere when I was drunk the other night. I was a very happy drunk however, lol. Honestly love you guys though and yeah I'm actually sober for once. :P

Don't have much to say. I'm happy, truley. It's all down to Pete, my ex boyfriend or whatever he is now. Things are so much better. I'm on a lot of meds, strong ones and one of them is being upped next week as well so ya know. I felt like a nut case being on all these meds but not really anymore because they help so whatever really.

Hope you are all having an amazing weekend.
See ya later guys.

I fucking ove you guys. Good night and I love you.