Procrastination.

So instead of actually getting on with this essay that has to be handed in by 3pm (it's 2.30am) I'm sat here procrastinating and wasting valuable sleeping time, not that I would actually sleep if I went to bed seen as I didn't sleep till 7am yesterday morning. If I put my mind to it, this essay would be done in no time whatsoever but I just can't be fucking arsed and I know the longer I leave it the more stressed I'll get. Friday is usally my lazy uni day but because I never went to my 3 hour lab on Tuesday I need to attend the one tomorrow instead. *sadface*
I'm pretty much glugging back coffee which I really don't need to do but oh well. I'm so fucking bored, then why don't you just get on with your essay then? Eh, nah. *rolls eyes* I'm impossible.


I miss Pete. My mum has an issue with me and him getting 'friendly again'. Ha, what she doesn't know is that we've told eachother we still love one another and that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. I don't give a shit, he's my life and I can't believe how lucky I am to have him back in my life and for him to still love me more than any of you can imagine. I'm damaged goods and he doesn't care cause he loves me, wants me and needs me. Have you any idea how nice it is to be wanted so much and for someone to want nothing more than you to be safe, happy and loved? I love him so much and I refuse to fuck this up again.

Nikki get back to your essay you lazy fuck. Ok, bye guys.

Update.

Seems like I posted everywhere when I was drunk the other night. I was a very happy drunk however, lol. Honestly love you guys though and yeah I'm actually sober for once. :P

Don't have much to say. I'm happy, truley. It's all down to Pete, my ex boyfriend or whatever he is now. Things are so much better. I'm on a lot of meds, strong ones and one of them is being upped next week as well so ya know. I felt like a nut case being on all these meds but not really anymore because they help so whatever really.

Hope you are all having an amazing weekend.
See ya later guys.

I fucking ove you guys. Good night and I love you.

I miss him.

I'm procrastinating cause I've been doing work all night so I'm now really bored and badly miss Pete (my ex). It's unreal how close we have gotten again and we talk nearly all the time but I keep checking like every five minutes to see if he is online yet. His sleeping pattern is all messed up again so he is still probably asleep even though it's almost 11pm. I really want to talk/speak to him before I go to bed. It's very clear that we're gonna end up in a relationship again and I have mixed feeling about it cause I'm happy cause I love him but at the same time I'm terrified that I will mess up again.

I wish he would hurry up and get online. I can't work for very long just now cause I get bored and my concentration completely slips.


It's Friday soon! My anutie and nephew are coming down on Friday and we're going to the zoo then I'm going home with them for the weekend even though I was home this weekend as well. Pete needs to hurry up, I can't think about anything else but him and it's driving me nuts. Anywho, see ya later.

Slutty dogs.

Thank you Lily for your constant support and kinda words. I listen to all your comments and take your advice onboard. You're such a kind, sweet, caring person.

I weighed myself for the first time in weeks today and I have lost 10 pounds! So happy about that. Going back to my accommodation tomorrow and I'm not dreading it that much actually which I guess is a positive sign.

Right now I'm having to seperate my dog and his girlfriend dog cause she is in heat and even though my dog has no balls, he's acting like a lovesick horny little shit. She is acting like a slut and putting her tail up for him and licking his feet and everything. *rolls eyes*

Turns out I can't run away from my problems. The flashbacks of Saturday are just as bad at home as they were in my room. I still want to self harm and I still feel suicidal. I feel like utter fucking shit.

I hate the police.

I stayed at the crisis centre last night because I was a suicidal mess and still am to be honest. Ah fuck I just got a phone call from the police so my anxiety is through the roof once again. Great now the suicidal thoughts are even worse. Anyway as I was saying, I stayed at the crisis centre last night after being at the mental hospital for 4 hours waiting for an assessment and they told me that I am extremely fragile and need support...ya think? I just got back from the crisis centre and I have an appointment with them tonight at 7 to make a crisis plan, basically putting measures in place so I don't kill myself. I've already arranged to go home tomorrow for the weekend which gets me away from this place and the stress of having to deal with my room and the police.

My auntie and nephew are coming down next Friday for the day then I'm going home with them but I feel like I needed something to focus on before then hence me going home this weekend. Fuck, I've never felt this kind of anxiety in my life. My room mate is fucking nuts. She has been acting strange since she found out what happened to me but not necessarily in a bad way I think, just in a weird way.

I'm pissed that the police phoned me cause I was doing moderately ok before they called and now I'm a mess again, thanks. I haven't eaten yet and really don't want to. If I had my way I wouldn't eat at all but so far people have been shoving food in front of me, staring at me and telling me to eat! I don't want to though, I have no appetite whatsoever. Oh and I have lost weight cause I got weighed during my medical examination at the police station and even though it was really late and I had a ridiculously heavy dinner, I was still lighter so fuck knows how much weight I have lost if  I was to weigh myself in the morning. I'll weight myself when I go home tomorrow, fingers crossed I have lost a fair amount of weight.