I am still alive.

I am so sorry I have just abandoned this blog, I forgot about it for while and haven't been assed to write on here. I am going to start posting regularly again cause I need a good outlet.

Things have been rough, I won't lie. There's been many suicide attempts, self harm, binges, purges, drinking, smoking, fighting etc.

I am currently at a mentalization group at psychotherapy every Tuesday for 6 months and it is going really well. The majority of people in my group get on which is great and there's this one woman who has a lot of the same issues as me and we think alike. Having someone there who understands is really helpful, like we can almost read each others minds, it's freaky at times.

Me and my boyfriend are still living together and still a couple...kind of. Shit is a bit up in the air at them moment and I don't know what's happening as of yet. He has one idea and my mind changes every 5 minutes.

I got accepted to a different university to do human embryology and developmental biology which I'm meant to be starting in September this year but I'm not too sure if I'm going to be well enough yet.

Last week I was at the hormone clinic and I've got very high prolactin levels and I won't be able to have kids with this. They seem to think I have a tumour on my pituitary gland. The treatment for the prolactin thing, I can't have because it causes mental health problems and with my history they probably will never be able to give me it. The other treatment is birth control but obviously I won't be able to get pregnant on that either. If my blood tests show that my prolactin levels are still high I will have to get a brain scan and shit. It's the last thing I need to be honest.

Life right this second is getting a bit better but I badly want to self harm and the only reason I haven't yet is because my boyfriend will notice and I don't want anyone knowing.

Okay, off I go because I need a cig.
Hope you are all doing well.

Sorry I've been such a bad blogger lately, alot has been going on.

My boyfriend has moved in with me and I've been accepted into another University to study Human Embryology and Developmental Biology, I feel so smart writing that haha. Things have been a rocky ride but I'm getting by just about.

wanting to get drunk tonight to celebrate getting into University again. I'm scared I'm going to fail again but I need to stay positive.

I hope you guys are doing good. You'll find me onn THIN if you need/want me.
Much love. <3

For those who care

I thought it was about time I updated on here seen as it's been before christmas. I had a good enough christmas day until I threw myself down a flight of stairs twice. A few days later I ended up in hospital for an OD and a few days ago I admitted myself in to a psychiatric hospital up in Aberdeen but it was terrible and so my mum took me home today.

I am doing a lot better now and am feeling quite positive. I'm going to get help for my eating disorder and help with the rape a few months ago as they are the two I have prioritised. I've also promised to my boyfriend and nephew that I will stop self harming and that I will never do it again and that's going to be the hardest thing in the world for me but I don't intend on breaking my promise.

That's all for now.

Been in-patient.

Sorry I haven't updated in like forever.

I've been in-patient at a psychiatric hospital for a little while and before then everything was all messed up. I just got out of hospital today and thinking I left a bit too early seen as I have already sat on my window ledge (top floor) and thought about jumping down...boom dead Nikki.

I'm feeling a bit better now cause I've taken some meds (a little more than I should have) and I'm meeting my boyfriend tonight and we're gonna have an amazing time although I have my god damn period which means no sex tonight, I have no idea how to break that gently to someone who has been wanting me for weeks. :P

I'm going home to Aberdeen after staying at my boyfriends for a few days cause I badly want to be home now and see my family.

Oh yeah, have I mentioned I have a new boyfriend? :P He is the sweetest guy you could meet, he visited me in hospital every single night which made me very happy and he brought chocolate to me every night also, most of which I haven't eaten but the binge monster has been lurking a little.

That's all I feel like writing about right now, I kinda have no energy and I want another fag, speaking of which I have been smoking a lot. And in this past 2 weeks I have smoked more pot than in the past year.

Ta ta for now.

Can things ever get better?

I need a distraction so here goes. I'm not long out of hospital as I was taken in last night cause I overdosed (not majorly) and cut. The Intensive Home Care Treatment Team were meant to be taking care of me and making sure I was safe but they just dropped me off at home and said they would see me tomorrow even after my self harm suppert worker telling them that she was really worried about me and that I wasn't safe if I came home but did they listen? No of course they didn't. Guess I need to fight this alone seen as everyone else doesn't give a shit. Think I might go home tomorrow until the medication takes effect and I'm feeling a bit better and not planning ways to kill myself at every opportunity. If I had decent razors right now then I would be in a much worse state.

Part of me wants to be left alone to go into total self destruct mode and the only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because of my family as I know they would be completely devastated my death and I'm not willing to put them through that amount of hurt.

I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore, I'm drowning in all these feelings and because I have fucking Borderline Personality Disorder all my emotions are hightened so it's more intense for me and so fucking difficult to deal with. I'm doing my best to fight this but it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don't want to live anymore, that much I know.

This eating disorder is in full force aswell. I had £10 left in my account and a normal person would buy food seen as I have none but no not me, I bought cigs, Pepsi Max and chewing gum cause that's totally going to last me for 2-3 weeks. My flatmates cooked and there's soup left for me but I can;t face eating. I've also now run out of two sets of my pills so I really need to get some more tomorrow although I have no idea how cause I'm only seeing a psychiatric nurse tomorrow and they can;t prescribe medication, it needs to be a psychiatrist that does that but hopefully they'll figure something out. I don't even know if they will give me pills seen as I overdosed last night but I need my medication I realise that now.

I'm hoping on going home tomorrow but that means having to borrow money from one of my flatmates so I can get a train home. Home is the best way for me right now cause I'm less likely to kill myself or hurt myself there. It also give the medication a chance to take effect properly in a safe environment. The Intensive Home Care Treatment Team can go fuck themselves cause they clearly don't give a fuck if I'm alive or not.

I would like to think things can get better but every inch of me is saying that this is it and that it will never get better. People keep telling me it will get better but I just can't believe that right now with the way I'm feeling. I took my medication almost an hour ago so hopefully it will start to take effect soon.

Such a mess.

So while I'm all drugged up on anti-psychotic meds and not a suicidal mess I thought I would update on here.

My ex boyfriend called the police on Monday because I was about to kill myself and the idiot I am told him that I was feeling really unsafe. They came and I was reluctant to co operate but gave them my pills and sat back down but I had a razor in my pocket and I was cutting my hand while they were there. They noticed my blood covered hand and demanded that I emptied my pockets. The paramedics came and told me I had to go to the hospital to get a psych evaluation or else the police would take me and lock me in a cell. I went with them but got outside and I saw broken glass on the ground and I impulsively picked up the broken bottle, I had to fight with 3 male police officers who eventually got the bottle out my hand then put me in handcuffs. They escorted me to the hospital where I had two police officers sat with me at all time and no matter how much I asked to get the handcuffs off they refused. They wouldn't even give me my keys cause I was using them to hurt myself aswell. One of the police officers kept telling me to stop struggling in the handcuffs but I was getting burns from them by turning them so much and all I wanted was to harm so it was something. Two female officers came and took over and searched me for any other blade.

I was sat there for hours then eventually got a psych evaluation but I just wanted them to let me go home so I could die as I wanted nothing more. They refused to let me go home so got the intensive home care treatment team to come down and see if they would take me on as they are an alternative to inpatient and they try to keep people out of hospital at all costs. The police wanted me inpatient or in a police cell but eventually agreed to let me go home. I got meds and got through the night but the day after I went to my appointment, got more medication but then went out and bought a heap of pills and bleach and intended on killing myself. I finished off my suicide notes and was about to take the pills and drink the bleach but passed out on the bed and when I woke up I took more anti-psychotics and passed out again. The day after that I went to my appointment and told them I had the pills and such and they just told me they would phone me at 8pm and they did but not till after 9pm and I told them I badly wanted to take the pills and they didn;t even talk to me for 5 minutes. They told me to keep mindful and that they would phone me tomorrow afternoon...like yeah thanks a fucking bunch you useless arseholes.

So at 9.30-10pm I went out for a walk and climbed up this huge hill and at the top you can see the entire city, it was pitch black but really peaceful. I phoned my auntie and told her and my mum partly what happened but obviously not about the almost killing myself bit. I sat up there for over an hour smoking and trying to clear my head then eventually went back. I poured the bottle of vodka down the sink, flushed the pills and bleach down the toilet aswell when I got back. I'm back at home with mum right now and am drugged up on anti-psychotic meds that the doctor was shocked at. I phoned the doctor up at my mums to get meds to last me till Monday and he said "bloody hell Nikki, does that not knock you out cold cause that would have me passed out".

Hopefully the meds can keep me going for the weekend but I dunno what I will do when I have to go back to uni on Monday, no doubt I will turn into a suicidal mess again and self harming to cope. Can't believe I am in such a mess, I'm trying though.

35 stitches

Had to get 23 stitches last night and another psych evaluation. I was told that I had to go to an emergency psych appointment next week or end up in inpatient basically. If I didn't take the 12 stitches out that weren't meant to come out till tomorrow I would have 35 stitches...this makes me so fucking depressed. I know people that think stitches are cool and that they should always have stitches when they SI but I'm telling you this now, in NO way whatsoever is this shit cool. 9 years I have been doing this and I didn't think I would ever get to the stage where I needed 35 stitches in a week. If I could go back 9 years and show myself what this shit would do to me and others I would never have started.