Last night. (Edited)

Last night was a nightmare.
I cut REALLY badly but was too weak and pathetic to tell my mum so she could take me to the hospital.
Instead I told my auntie this morning then went to the health centre. The nurse said I was incredibly lucky cause I was extremely close to blood vessels, nerves and veins so I'm pretty lucky I'm alive.
I needed stitches but it was too late and she told me they would likey do more harm than good cause it could nick a blood vessel or nerve and they couldn't take the risk.
I've been told I'll be left with severe scaring and I was ordered to see the doctor this afternoon. I have an appointment in an hour and the nurse said that by the looks of things I should most definitely be back on medication.
I have to go back to the nurse on Thursday to get my arms seen to cause they're in a bad way. I can barely move my arms cause she bandaged them up so much.

Medication might not be a bad idea cause at this rate I'll be dead by the end of the week. I've told my auntie not to tell my mum cause I can't have her knowing about this and I've only told my auntie the basics.

I can't get on THIN again cause of server issues or something along those lines but if anyone who reads this that's on THIN then know that I'm alive and I also want to thank people for their support last night.


EDIT:  I went to the doctor who has put me back on medication. My anti-psychotics are double the dose of when I was taking them before a few months back and I'm also back on anti-depressants. He was hesitant giving me medication because of the risk of me overdosing, lets just say my medical record isn't a pretty picture. 
I feel like I'm right back at square one and I feel like the world's biggest failure. I know I need to pick myself up from this but what if I can't? The doc wants me to get help as soon as I move but he himself admitted that I'm in a difficult situation what with having to study and everything surrounding that and then getting help on top of that is very risky.
I can't fuck this up again, I seriously can't. I need to get a fucking grip and fast but it's so difficult. I'm firmly set in my self destructive ways again.
FAILURE!

 

I can't fight this anymore.
Fuckingweakpatheticbitch.

I give up.

Shit I can't even remember making that blog last night. Thank you Lily for commenting.

I don't remember much about last night after a certain point, I know I cut again a while after when I went to bed then I pretty much passed out. My auntie tried waking me up today apparantly but I was knocked out and I wouldn't waken so she just left me (I could have been dead for all she knew).

I cut again when I woke up and I want to cut more. Fuck this is clearly going to get out of control again. I can't do this shit with going back to uni in 10 days especially as I'm sharing a room with someone. I knew I would go back with scars but I wasn't intending on going back with cuts.

I'm meeting my self harm support worker tomorrow to see if we can sort something out. Hopefully I can keep myself together by then.

Not good.

I cut for 20 minutes straight. I dissociated after a while of watching my blood run down the drain. My head honestly feels like it's about to explode. I'm dizzy and feeling really fucking shitty. I need to lye down but if I do I'm pretty sure I'll pass out.

Stupid fucking bitch.

Fucking shut up.

I just screamed at my mum and auntie telling them to shut up and would they please have a fucking conversation without shouting at eachother. I don't need this shit especially as I need to go to the hospital with mum cause she has an appointment. I hate going to the A&E department, it brings back all sorts of memories and is a massive trigger for me. It's worse cause I have cuts and it feels like everyone knows what you have done and are staring and judging you. I hate it, it alone makes me want to cut again. Also the scale can go fuck itself cause after losing 6lbs in 2 weeks it decided to go fucking crazy on me this morning.

I'm in a fucking awful mood. I'm fed up of taking care of my mum and having orders barked at me by her. I'm fed up of everything.

Also I'm really sorry for not comenting on blogs lately and basically ignoring the blog world but I haven't really felt up to it.

THIN.

So The Help I Need is pretty much where I reside these days. I rarely go on PrettyThin anymore because I don't like the atmosphere and there are too many wannarexic's. THIN is a lot more supportive and not as much members which is nice. However it needs more active members so if you aren't a member then please check it out on one condition; please read the rules and tips will not be tolerated.

It's a really supportive place so off you go and check it out people.

http://thehelpineed.webs.com/

Personality disorders suck.

My psychotherapist and the psychiatrist told me that I fit all the criteria for Avoidance Personality Disorder so I'll just add that to the ever growing list of things wrong with me. AvPD makes perfect sense to be perfectly honest and I will continue to battle that, BPD, depression, PTSD, OCD, bulimia, self harm and I might as well throw in the kitchen sink while I'm at it. *facepalm*

He said that I should seek several areas of support when I move to uni and that I should think about starting psychotherapy down there. He suggested I tell my flat mates how I can get in terms of the withdrawing and avoiding people. I'll probably tell them I have Avoidant Personality Disorder but that's about it. They are blatantly going to hate me.