TRIGGER! TRIGGER! TRIGGER!

I had to cut last night didn't I? I also had to cut deep and cover my arm in cuts. I had to go to hospital because my arm was so fucked up. All of this should be making me not want to do it again, right? NO! I want to take that razor and press it down as hard as I can and drag it across any part of my body and I don't want to stop until blood is spurting out of me. I shouldn't have cut because now that feeling is back again and I realise how much I have missed cutting my body up. I'm so fucked up, it's unreal. I have psychotherapy tomorrow and my self harm support worker so at least I'll have something to talk about. I badly want to live on my own and have no one close to me so I can lock myself indoors and cut myself as much as I want. Normal people dream of having a good job, a great family, a great partner etc and then there's me, wanting to be alone to cut myself 24/7 without having anyone interfering. I can't get the image of cutting deep into my arm out of my head. Last night I had an arterial bleed and seeig blood spurt out my arm felt like an achievement. How fucked up is that? How selfish? That's why I want to be alone cause that way I won't be hurting anyone by hurting myself. I need to cut. I want to cut. I have to cut. I feel sick with wanting it so much. It's kinda sad how this is the one thing I feel passionate about. The only thing I want to do withy self. I don't want to sort myself out. I want to cut!