Shit I can't even remember making that blog last night. Thank you Lily for commenting.

I don't remember much about last night after a certain point, I know I cut again a while after when I went to bed then I pretty much passed out. My auntie tried waking me up today apparantly but I was knocked out and I wouldn't waken so she just left me (I could have been dead for all she knew).

I cut again when I woke up and I want to cut more. Fuck this is clearly going to get out of control again. I can't do this shit with going back to uni in 10 days especially as I'm sharing a room with someone. I knew I would go back with scars but I wasn't intending on going back with cuts.

I'm meeting my self harm support worker tomorrow to see if we can sort something out. Hopefully I can keep myself together by then.

Not good.

I cut for 20 minutes straight. I dissociated after a while of watching my blood run down the drain. My head honestly feels like it's about to explode. I'm dizzy and feeling really fucking shitty. I need to lye down but if I do I'm pretty sure I'll pass out.

Stupid fucking bitch.

Fucking shut up.

I just screamed at my mum and auntie telling them to shut up and would they please have a fucking conversation without shouting at eachother. I don't need this shit especially as I need to go to the hospital with mum cause she has an appointment. I hate going to the A&E department, it brings back all sorts of memories and is a massive trigger for me. It's worse cause I have cuts and it feels like everyone knows what you have done and are staring and judging you. I hate it, it alone makes me want to cut again. Also the scale can go fuck itself cause after losing 6lbs in 2 weeks it decided to go fucking crazy on me this morning.

I'm in a fucking awful mood. I'm fed up of taking care of my mum and having orders barked at me by her. I'm fed up of everything.

Also I'm really sorry for not comenting on blogs lately and basically ignoring the blog world but I haven't really felt up to it.

THIN.

So The Help I Need is pretty much where I reside these days. I rarely go on PrettyThin anymore because I don't like the atmosphere and there are too many wannarexic's. THIN is a lot more supportive and not as much members which is nice. However it needs more active members so if you aren't a member then please check it out on one condition; please read the rules and tips will not be tolerated.

It's a really supportive place so off you go and check it out people.

http://thehelpineed.webs.com/

Personality disorders suck.

My psychotherapist and the psychiatrist told me that I fit all the criteria for Avoidance Personality Disorder so I'll just add that to the ever growing list of things wrong with me. AvPD makes perfect sense to be perfectly honest and I will continue to battle that, BPD, depression, PTSD, OCD, bulimia, self harm and I might as well throw in the kitchen sink while I'm at it. *facepalm*

He said that I should seek several areas of support when I move to uni and that I should think about starting psychotherapy down there. He suggested I tell my flat mates how I can get in terms of the withdrawing and avoiding people. I'll probably tell them I have Avoidant Personality Disorder but that's about it. They are blatantly going to hate me.

Months worth of emotions are now pouring out in the form of tears.

I want to fade away and forget about everything. I don't want to remember.

I can't wait to get away from this shit hole cause the constant reminders are tearing me apart, I hate this place, I hate everyone in this fucked up town, I hate HIM. It makes me fucking sick that people love him so much and he gets to live a happy normal life while I listen to his car drive down the street everynight then have to see his face in my head and that smug fucking smile.

I HATE HIM!

I was bored earlier so racked out my roller blades, lol. I went outside in them all while clinging to my auntie for deal life. I ended up almost falling over 100 million times and landing in her arms hugging her. Everyone who passed in a car was pissing themselves laughing then it came to coming up a hill...I fell flat on my face while rolling down the hill. Just as I landed on my face my mum drove past in the car, stopped and almost pissed herself at the site of me lying on the pavement. *facepalm*

I'm watching Beaver Falls right now and it's hilarious.

I'm doing everything to calm myself down cause I have psychotherapy tomorrow and I really don't want to go for some reason. Anyway just thought I would let you all know that I am alive and I haven't forgotten about my blog.

I don't know what to think.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), today and I really don't know what to think or feel about it. I actually feel like self harming but what is that going to achieve, it's not going to make me normal is it?

I just want my best friend Caroline at the moment, I need a hug from her. I wish she didn't live like 2 hours away from me. I feel really intense emotions but I don't know what they are.

I feel fucking horrible.

=)

Had a really good day today. I woke up at a good 7.30am after a good sleep last night for the first time in a long time (fucking insomnia).  I got up feeling good and said to myself "ok Nikki you can do this, you can eat good today, no binging, purging or restricting, just eat like a normal person".

AND I HAVE!!!

I ate breakfast, lunch and dinner all with a reasonable amount of calories in them. I went to the shop and when choosing soup I was torn between a 51 calorie tin and a 200 calorie tin and usually I would have chosen the 51 calorie one but I didn't! My thinking was the 200 calorie one would be heavier and also keep me fuller for longer so I had that and it was lush. :)

I've just had my dinner which was chicken, potatoes and brocolli and I really enjoyed it. It didn't take me hours to eat it neither did I eat it so fast that I couldn't enjoy it. No way am I purging it either.

I feel so good and it's such a freaking relief after being stuck badly in this ED lately. This feeling may not last but I have shown myself that I can have a normal day when it comes to food.

My pride and joy.

My nephew is staying the night at ours tonight and he stayed up late with me cause he was so hyper cause we were mucking about and playing with the camera. That little boy makes me so happy, when I'm with him I don't have a million problems, he brings out my really chidish fun side. I'm gonna miss him so much when I go back to university.

I woke up feeling really ill but I think that's got something to do with binging and purging a lot yesterday and I did it all on no sleep. I didn't sleep toll about 11am maybe 12pm this afternoon and that's with not sleeping for about 40 hours...apart from the hour of disturbed sleep I had on the sofa. But yeah, I woke up feeling like shit and still do a bit but when Jack (my nephew) came round, he cheered me up heaps.

I'm gonna post some pictures that I took earlier of us messing around.

^ That's where he was pretending to be a dog and actually did a 'trick' to get a sweet from my mum, haha.

 ^ He's so freaking cute, no?

 ^ He was leaning on my foot making funny faces but I caught him being all cute.

^  LOL! I was a horse and by this point I wanted to collapse on the floor.

 ^ He was hiding cause we had both retreated upstairs after making heaps of noise, distrupting mum's programme and being shouted at so we went upstairs in fits of giggles.

  ^ Again he was hiding and telling me to hide, it was hilarious.

^ He let me style his hair and I sprayed SO much hairspray on it. Stylist of the year? Yeah I don't think so either. XD

Psychotherapy and being proud of myself.

I had a cancellation appointment today at psychotherapy and everything in me was telling me not to go but I did and I'm actually really glad cause the man I saw was amazing and he didn't bullshit me or treat me like a brain dead 12 year old. He picked up very quickly that I didn't look at him or the other doctor once which was a good thing cause it sparked off the very difficult conversation where I was really honest for the first time ever with someone like him. I don't have much time seeing him as I leave for another city on the 10th of September but he is going to see me till then and try to deal with the most pressing matters which is my anger. I had to fill in yet more forms, one of which was a personality one that was 20 pages long and had about 7 questions per page. I had another form to fill in about my childhood and shit but he said to me that he doesn't want to delve into my past as he thinks it's the last thing I need right now and it has the potential to get messy and make me very unstable and what I need right now is stability. He picked up that I make my mind up about someone very quick and either like them or hate them and once my opinion is made it's almost impossible to change it.

Before today I was determined that I wanted nothing more to do with professionals but now I dunno. He thinks it would be wise for me to have help when I move and also thinks I should go back on my antipsychotic medication which I'm not all keen on but we'll see. I'm at the stage where I would do almost anything to control my anger.

I however didn't mention how bad the binging and purging is, something I probably should have done cause starving my brain from every nutrient it needs may affect my concentration somewhat when I go to univeristy again. I met with my self harm support work afterwards and we sat in a graveyard in the middle of town as it was sunny and we spoke for about an hour. She thinks I really need to mention my "eating issues" to the psychotherapy people next week but I don't know.

Let me tell you something, lying is a hell of a lot easier then telling the truth and it doesn't take as much energy. I'm knackered as I didn't sleep last night and when I came back from my appointment at about 3pm I lay on the sofa and slept for about an hour so I'm real sleepy and moody right now.

That's my mum home and here comes the one million questions that I'm not in the mood for.

But do you know something? I'm actually really proud of myself for today.

Gonna do myself a favour...oh and this is me.

And get off the computer in a sec so I stop triggering the fuck out of myself. I have been doing it all day and up to this point I haven't given into extraordinarily strong urges to hurt myself. I don't know why I have been watching triggering videos, looking at triggering pictures, reading triggering things and thinking about triggering memories/thoughts. It's like I can't control it and it's fucking depressing and draining. I'm ashamed of myself. I really wanna cut and badly at that but I don't at the same time. I must not otherwise I would have hurt myself by now. I could easily binge right now too, not sure if I can resist that as much though.

Hope you guys are doing alright.

Oh and here is the video that I posted on THINs Facebook, I might as well put it on here as well. Excuse my awkwardness, sounding and looking like a complete ass.