Happy Nikki.

I finally went to see Harry Potter today and it was amazing. I'm sad that it's all over now but man the last film was so freaking good. I had to stop myself from standing up on my chair and cheering in the cinema at certain points. Ah man it was so emotional and action filled and I was glad to see they kept a lot of the important bits from the book in the film. I'm still excited now. I really wanna go see it again and again.

I also got some new trousers which I love and when I tried them on in the shop I wasn't filled with self hate and disgust. :)

However when I got up both mum and my auntie commented on my weight yet again. They said "you're looking a lot thinner again which doesn't make sense with all the shit you've been eating." I told them that they were delusional and they said "your waist is littler, your shoulders are skinny and your back looks thinner as well but you still have a huge arse." At least we agree on my arse, lol. They must be really dumb to have not sussed it by now but ah well, I'm not complaining.

It's been a good weekend so far and I hope it continues like this.

Trigger.

My mum and auntie are taking me to Tesco in a bit and the urge to binge is surreal and I know that I'm gonna buy a heap of binge food. I don't want to binge but I really do. 


Keep having bad flashbacks which triggers off binges, I know this now. Flashbacks are gradually getting worse again and it's so fucking hard to deal with. I don't want to winge about the flashbacks or my past but I want it all to stop, I want to forget so badly. 


Gonna go now.

Binge it all away.

Away to binge like a mother fucker just because I can and the small issue of feeling like total shit but not much has changed there.

Pete told me he still loved me the other day and ever since, I have been avoiding him like the plague.

Mum thinks she has cancer and the doctor has referred her to a specialist at the hospital and me being the heartless closed off bitch I am, barely reacted.

I didn't wake up till late today cause I thought dream world was the real world so kept going back to sleep to avoid whatever I was dreaming about and thought was real. I told Pete a bit about it only so he didn't think I was ignoring his texts (which I was also doing) and he told me he doesn't think I'm ready to go back to uni and he sticks by that. Fuck that, I'm going back to uni whether he like it or not, also whether I'm fucked up or not.

Life goes on if I'm unhinged or not.

Time to binge my feelings away.

Titles suck

I should really learn to blog earlier cause the later it gets the more my mood falls and I'm fed up of this all being depressing shit and I care what people think of me and if anyone has been reading this for any amount of time, I'm pretty sure they'll think I'm an attention seeker or just a stupidly depressed, over dramatic biatch.

Pete (my ex) is doing his very best to make me laugh and smile at every chance he gets. I really don't know why he's bothering with me. I'm still refusing to get too close to him and I've pretty much told him that I don't want to be close to anyone ever again. He didn't take it too well and refuses to give up on me/us. I didn't realise how closed up I have gotten till he got back in touch and tonight I think I'm acting really cold but it's just cause I'm feeling shitty and somewhat numb and not much emotions are registering with me so Pete being honest with me isn't affecting me as much as it should. For example this was said earlier.

Pete: "I just wanted to say that I miss you so much.. I miss how we were, when we were happy.. I miss YOU when you were.. well.. you. I wish I could turn back the time. I wish you didn't do things. I wish it was a perfect world in which you never left when you came here, and that we got a place together, somehow, and actually got what WE wanted, for a change."


He should have given up a long time ago, I'm not worth his time and he deserves better. I apparantly still help him, make him smile and laugh, make him happy and brighter, I inspire him to write good poetry and do some awesome shit on his guitar amongst other things. I broke him and he should have learnt to stay away from me.

I'm not a good person hence why I can't let anyone get close to me ever again and also it might keep me somewhat sane.

I'm sorry for the self pity once again but here I can be honest, mostly anyway.

Stupid idiot.

Make it stop, please? Make all of it stop.

A bath should be simple and relaxing but for me it's my worst nightmare. I thought it would be ok but it wasn't and now my leg is all fucked up with cuts...the most I have had in a long time.

Right now I don't want to live, I want to escape from all of this.

I'm scared of what I might do next.

Why can't I be normal? Why can't I stop shaking?

Nothing much to be said.

Had an alright day.

This ED is seriously kicking my ass though.

Everything is getting me down at the moment.

Don't really want to say much more cause I'm depressed enough as it is.

I hope all you guys are alright. <3

I think I might need help.

The binging and purging is getting out of control and with it comes the overwhelming self hate which is building each day, making me want to self harm an extraordinary amount.

I know deep down that everything is getting worse and out of control but I keep telling myself it'll be fine...denial basically.

I mean what's the point in going to the doctor? I'm moving to another city in September and I'll be back at uni which has the potential of making things worse but that's not really the point. I've been waiting months now for an appointment at psychotherapy and am still waiting despite me being put up the waiting list, having a really bad self harm episode and attempting suicide.
So it's not like I'm going to get help with this eating disorder before September if my other issues haven't been dealt with yet.

Also I'm really fucking fed up with psychiatrists/psychologists and the fucking rest of them. I'm an impossible patient and even more so since my anger got worse cause I completely shut down and also with not liking people very much it makes it almost impossible. I can change my mind about someone very quick and it doesn't really take a lot for me to dislike a person...yeah I'm well aware that I'm a bitch.

I've almost accepted that I will most likely have to live this way for the rest of my life and never get any decent help.

Now if you excuse me I'm away to eat till I die.

This blog has become so depressing. I'll be surprised if anyone still reads this.
Sorry.

Put me out my misery?

I don't know how I feel or what's going on and I don't particularily want to either.

Ate around 3000-4000 calories on binge food today.
I have substantial urges to cut.

I went out with my brother for our walk then when we were in the car he waved to the guy who sexually abused me when I was 9 fucking years old who also lives on the same street as me. I so badly wanted to ask my brother if he knew that prick but I completely froze as I was so shocked.
My brother knows fuck all about the abuse as he himself is a violent mind fuck that I wish was dead but still it really fucking got to me.
Does he know him and talk to him?
It would be kinda ironic if he and my brother knew eachother and were somewhat friends...two men that made my life a living hell for years and still do till this day. That would fit into my life pretty well as everything seems to be so fucked up.
It's bad enough both of them living so close to me when I have been abused in all shapes and forms by the pair of them.
I'm confused and hurt and I shouldn't be.


Just tell me I'm an oversensitive bitch and I'll shut up.

It doesn't shock me that I really want to hurt myself right now. I want to disappear.
I refuse to cry yet would happily cut. FFS.

 Someone please kill me? I'll rob a bank and pay you.

I'm so cool.

I'm away to have a Lord of the Rings marathon I reckon, although I need to be up early as I am meeting my self harm support worker in the morning.

Badly needing distracting hence why I'm about to watch The Lord of the Rings.
Feeling really shitty and I don't want to binge or cut...ha, who am I kidding? Of course I want to binge, I've been thinking about it for hours.

I didn't go out for my walk today with my brother cause he went with his mate and he was drunk anyway and since he beat the shit out of me, I have avoided him when he's drunk.
I could have really been doing with the exercise though even though my legs are totally fucked with all the exercise.
I have needed a piss for hours but it's too sore climbing the stairs.

That's me off. I love you all!
Hope everyone is having a better day than me.<3

A good day?

I got up after being nagged by my auntie about getting up cause we were going into town shopping. I eventually got up to find a bowl of food on my floor. >.>
I was sat on the edge of my bed staring at the bowl of food frozen with fear but I ate it and didn't purge it!

Then we got a bus into town and it was funny as there was two pensioners sat behind us talking about the economy and saying it was disgraceful then they told eachother their life stories. I was pissing myself laughing.

Shopping went well although I spent too much money that wasn't really my money to spend (it was my student money that I may need to give back). I wasn't intending on spending money but I did and it was a really impulsive thing and I sorta regret it now.

I got 3 new pairs of shoes/boots that I am so fucking happy with. I also got 2 dresses, 2 pairs of trousers and a top. Me and my auntie had to walk a hell of a lot with heaps of bags in the scorching heat but it was exercise.

Later on I went out for a massive walk with my brother and his partner and the 2 dogs which was cool cause it's all cross country and there's heaps of hills so it's a good workout. I did that last night as well and am planning on doing it everynight from now on...it will get me fit and burns heaps of calories! YAY!

Now I'm majorly sore though, especially my legs, I can barely move them but ah well.

Here are my gorgeous new shoes! =D
Aren't they beautiful? I may have a slight obsession with shoes.

Failed

I'm cutting again.
Now it's all I can think about once again.

I'm telling myself that I can control it but if that was the case then it wouldn't be on my mind 24/7.

Not telling anyone in real life about this.

Such a fucking failure but I'm not really sorry I started cutting again. 2 months down the drain.