Unspoken words.

I've spent around 7 maybe more hours on math today and I still haven't done the assessment that has to be done for 9am tomorrow morning. I can't get past the quiz that needs 60% to then go on to the assessment and it's not through lack of trying I just can't do it and it's now 12.10am and I have a 9am lecture so no way am I staying up for several more hours doing something that is stressing me out.

I have an assessment with the self harm project tomorrow which is good cause they bumped me way up the waiting list cause of my recent behavour. The good thing about maths and studying overall is that it's a great distraction. Granted when I went to the doctor today she demanded to see my arms and saw that the other one has been cut up as well so that required a trip to the nurse. Ironically it hurts worse than my stitched up arm, I don't know why I find that funny. It's gotten to the point where self harm doesn't phase me again and I'm not scared of it. I'm not scared of hurting myself anymore, I just do it which is sad and hopefully it won't always be this way but for the moment it's the one thing keeping me going and helping to relieve some of my stress. It makes me feel like less of a failure but not always. I'm not saying self harm is good cause I'm not and I would discourage anyone else doing it but for me it's keeping me together and it feels like a huge part of me.

I've been feeling really suicidal and the cutting helps with that. I'm shit at telling people how I feel as I'm so good at putting on a front but look under the clothes and my skin screams out more than I could ever express verbally. This whole blog has turned into a self harm blog which I'm sorry for but I find it a hell of a lot easier talking about this than my eating disorder at the moment and also how I'm feeling.

Time to go and fuck around with things.
See ya!

Insert title here...

Today has been a better day, kinda.
Granted, I now want to cut and probably will but the urges haven't crippled me today.

I however did come to a realisation.
The things that I am living for and are keeping me alive are the things that could and very likely will kill me and already is.
Sad but so true.

My phone broke today and I felt like a part of me had ripped out my chest lol. I hated not being able to phone my auntie and having a random conversation with her, I missed checking the time, I missed knowing that it was there for whenever I needed it, I also missed it during lectures.

Early night tonight I reckon but I need to cut first, hopefully not too bad though. I have to pick my room mate from the hospital tomorrow because she is having an abortion and needs to stay in for 4-6hours. It makes me sad that she is doing this but it's her choice and I respect that. I have a doctors appointment that hopefully I will be able to make but I'm nervous about it cause of the hospital incident and stuff.

Fuck I want to cut.

I need to go to bed I reckon cause the anxiety and crippling emotions are beginning to break through again. I need to wash my hair too but that will be difficult with a bandaged up arm. 

I also wanted to thank Lily and Jessie a huge amount for their comments lately as it means so much to me. Thank you! <3

Hope you are all well. Xxx 

Falling apart.

Today and yesterday have been VERY bad days. I got through yesterday without self harming but I have no idea why but today I had to go to the hospital because of it. I broke down in maths cause I was feeling so overwhelmed with emotions and urges to harm so when I came home I text my last self harm support worker cause I don't have a new one yet and she told me to write her a long ranting email about everything and I did and I held on for as long as I could but then I just broke and cut.

I didn't even think I cut that bad apart from one of them that wouldn't stop bleeding so I went to the doctor and got an emergency appointment and they ordered me to go to the hospital to get stitches. The nurse or doctor at the hospital told me I better not be making a mess on the floor and that instantly pissed me off. It's like, well how about you give me a towel or something so I'm not bleeding all over the floor. He had to give me several sticthes, glue and steri-strips just to patch my arm up. I was lying there almost completely numb and beginning to feel the guilt pile on top of me. The anaesthetic is starting to ware off so my arm hurts like a bitch...good. No one other than the doctor, my self harm support worker and you guys, know about this. I can't and won't tell my mum and auntie cause they will only worry. I feel so alone though and I hate it.

All of us are going out for an Indian meal tonight and I really don't feel up to it. I have so much uni work to do and I could easily just die in a hole somewhere right now. Things are falling apart.

Hugely eventful weekend.

On Friday I had a one night stand for the first time in my life. I just met the guy a few hours before I brought him back to the flat. His name was Andy, he will be 27 this week (9 years older than me) and has a 14 month old daughter called Ruby. He was pissed (so was I) and high on cocaine (I wasn't). Because he was high he was having erectile issues, lol. That however didn't stop him from being amazing with his hands and such. Before me, he hadn't had sex for 18 months which is just a little longer than me at 13-14 months. He told me as he sat down on my bed that he didn't come back for sex and that he really just wanted a kiss and a cuddle which he got in excess. As we lay on the bed kissing, we would stop and talk for ages then get back to the sexual stuff. He cuddled me the entire time we spoke and played with my hair (I love it when people do that). I was wondering how I was having a conversation about Brittish comedy with a guy in my bed...it's just so weird for me. He was forceful but gentle and holy shit this blog is fucking tmi but it's my blog and I want to talk about this. Apparantly last week I was chatting up John at my flat party but he told me he doesn't take advantage of drunk 18 year old girls..thankfully!

On Friday there was a part of the night where I got so upset because everyone was reminding me of the guy that sexually abused me and I broke down in tears in front of John who demanded to know what was wrong so I basically told him my life story. I need to monitor my alcohol levels cause I tend to be far too honest with people and blurt shit out that when I'm sober I keep hush hush.

One of the main reasons I don't have one night stands is cause I am covered in scars and that's not an exaggeration so when Andy was taking my leggings off all I could say was 'fuck fuck fuck, oh fuck' lol. He didn't mention it or say anything bad about them so I thought I should bring it up. He was telling me that he was such a fuck up and that he has done some really bad things but he's sorting himself out now so at that point I said ' you probably noticed that I have a lot of scars on my legs' and he said 'yeah I noticed' and that's when I told him I self harm and he was so sweet about it all. He cuddled me and kissed me and said it was ok. Being that close to someone again is amazing even if it was just for a night. He said he wants to see me on Tuesday when he's not high on cocaine and blind drunk but he was high and drunk when he said that, lol. He text me yesterday which is a good sign I guess. I showed him out the block of flats, kissed him goodbye and came back in. After like 2 minutes in the kitchen I went back in my room to find my room mate on the chair and I was like 'fucking hell, you're lucky you didn't walk in 10 minutes ago'. She was also really drunk, it was hilarious.

THEN last night my best friend from up North visited for the night and we got so so so drunk. She invited round 6 people that we both know from last year and the plan was to pre-drink at mine then go out to a club...we never got to the club cause of me. I ended up rolling around on the floor then pucking everywhere. At this point as my head was down the toilet and I was shoving my fingers down my throat to be sick to feel better, my friend told my other friend that they had to stop me because I'm bulimic and I can't do this. FUCK! She told him I was bulimic man, like fuck! They were both holding my arms back at full force to stop me from purging my way. They would have been aswell holding me down on the ground. They took me to bed, feeding me water every minute but I was sick in bed AGAIN, on the floor, in my shoes AGAIN and basically everywhere. The kitchen floor is still wet cause aparantly I spilt water everywhere. I didn't even think I was that drunk so it must have been mixing my drinks that done it cause I drank more the night before and didn't puke. So today I am majorly hungover and generally feeling rather shit.

I went down and spoke to John when I woke up cause I needed someone to talk to and he was great. All day I have been fighting huge urges to cut and I'm pretty certain by the end of the night that I will have fucked my arms up really bad cause the urges are just too much and honestly I do have plans to do it, sorry. I've been binging a fair bit today and purging actually. My throat is killing me along with the rest of my body. I was shoveling spagetti and tuna down my mouth with my fingers cause eating it with a fork took too long, fuck sake. I am so pathetic. I hate myself and I hate life right now. I want to crawl in a corner somewhere and cut everything away. I hate feeling like this. I refuse to cry. Fuck.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

I bet no one has got this far but if you have, thank you and sorry. I'm away to eat some more then cut. See ya!

A proper update.

I'm falling in love with Chemistry all over again since coming back to university and sparking up my hate towards maths. My brain goes fucking crazy when it sees numbers, so much that I end up learning nothing then breaking down in tears thinking I'm a failure.

I have a lot of reading to do for the history of science which is a pain cause there is heaps of really long unpronounceable greek names and it sounds like the book is ancient and it probably is, haha.

I went to two Hip Hop classes last night. One beginners and one advanced and it was incredible cause I haven't felt more in my element in a long time plus I had so much fun. I came home and ate dinner feeling less guilty cause I had been working out intensely for over 2 hours. I did yoga the day before and on Monday I did ballet and contemporary. Also I live in the top of the buiding which means lots of stairs, AND I walk everywhere. That makes me feel good cause I'm getting exercise instead of lazing around binging all day which I have done now and again since arriving but not a huge amount. Saying that I just ate a chocolate croissant and I'm tucking in to grapes atm.

I haven't self harmed in a few days. That was ironic, I just got a phone call from the self harm project as I was typing this lol. They told me they haven't forgotten about me but there is a bit of a waiting list as they are going through some staff changes. I need that appointment quite badly cause I am on the verge of doing some silly shit and I admit I need some sort of support in place. I made an appointment with the disability office for next Tuesday to get an assessment done so I can recieve support through my university so hopefully that will get sorted out really soon and I have medical evidence which should help things move along nicely.

This blog is really long, sorry. I think only a few people read this now anyway so oh well.

Hope you are all doing good. Xxx

Bubbles.

I know I haven't updated in a long time but I've been busy, stressed out and haven't really felt like talking about how I've been or feeling. Even right now I'm a bit apprehensive to talk about it cause I feel like I'm really sensitive and that anything could burst this very thin bubble I'm in at the moment and if that bubble bursts then all sorts of messy thing will come flowing out.

I want to self harm, that's what the voice in my brain just told me and I don't know if that voice is really saying what I feel or want to do subconsciously or whatever.

I keep getting text messages which I love cause I feel wanted and loved and because no one barely ever texts me, it's nice to get a heap in one night. I'm clinging on to people for sanity at the moment instead of bottling everything up which I still do to the extremes but not so much I don't think. Yesterday I had a really difficult day and I felt like the entire world was against me and that no one could ever understand how I was feeling and it was making me so angry, bitter, upset and alone.

This morning was terrible because I ended up almost crying in my maths tutorial because I can't do math and as soon as I see numbers my brain screams and me then shuts down which means nothing sinks in and I end up learning fuck all. Fucking failure. Nikki stop.

Need to go because I'm getting triggered and I don't want to cut again or feel worse.

Aaaaargh!

AAAAARGH!

I seriously want to rip the shit out of my skin right now cause it's so itchy. It started off with my arms just being itchy which is probably normal cause they are healing but then I picked them and scratched them but I'm not classing it as self harm. Now my whole frigging body is itchy, it's like I've got fucking fleas. It's getting me really angry and worked up and triggering me for some reason.

Fucking, aaaaargh. Sorry I had to make this blog to see if distracting myself would work any but my skin is still crawling.

Doing good.

I haven't binged, purged or cut since I moved which was on Saturday. Even before then actually but I'm really pleased with myself for not fucking up yet. Yesterday I was ill but I feel better today and my medication is really beginning to work. My anxiety has calmed down a lot and I can actually think without my mind racing with 500 different thoughts and triggering me. Overall I'm doing good other than obsessing over food and calories but it's better than binging and purging. My arm is still really fucked up from last week but there's not much I can do. I was told to go the nurse early this week but I can't book an appointment till after freshers which is next week so I'll just have to make do.

Sorry, I've rambled. I hope you're all doing alright.

I've arrived.

I'm all unpacked and no where near settled. I really need my BPD and avoidance persoanlity disorder to give me a break cause I'm convinced that everyone in my flat hates me and I'm terrified of being rejected. I already feel left out and the odd one out. I was trying to put make up then started crying cause I thought they left without me. I'm guzzling back the alcohol to try and make myself more social, this may be a bad idea or a very good one. I just want a break from my mental health problems for one night.

Move day.

Tomorrow is the big move day back to University in Edinburgh and I can't wait. I'm so excited to move in and meet all my new flatmates. I'm nervous as well and not looking forward to saying goodbye to my 11 year old nephew who has been like a little brother to me.

I might not get on to update for a while but wish me luck! New life here I come!!!

Bit better.

I think I'm doing a bit better since being back on my medication other than yesterday, I was ill and it felt like I had overdosed on fuck loads of tablets but I think that was because of my medication cause I'm feeling better today.

I know I've been avoiding people and haven't been posting on THIN or commenting on blogs but that's cause I really haven't felt up to it.

I haven't self harmed since the other night and because my arms are so bandaged up I can't cut my arms which overall is a good thing I reckon. My body probably needs a serious break from self harm anyway. I've been distracting myself a lot. Monday night I went to see my brother's partner then went to the cinema with my cousin and yesterday I visited my friend for the day and didn't get home till 12am. It was amazing seeing my friend again even though I barely spoke and my mood wasn't the best but I tried my best. She told me she was proud of me doing so good, it's safe to say I didn't tell her that my arms and legs are destroyed with cuts.

But yeah, my medication is beginning to work I reckon, thank fuck.

Last night. (Edited)

Last night was a nightmare.
I cut REALLY badly but was too weak and pathetic to tell my mum so she could take me to the hospital.
Instead I told my auntie this morning then went to the health centre. The nurse said I was incredibly lucky cause I was extremely close to blood vessels, nerves and veins so I'm pretty lucky I'm alive.
I needed stitches but it was too late and she told me they would likey do more harm than good cause it could nick a blood vessel or nerve and they couldn't take the risk.
I've been told I'll be left with severe scaring and I was ordered to see the doctor this afternoon. I have an appointment in an hour and the nurse said that by the looks of things I should most definitely be back on medication.
I have to go back to the nurse on Thursday to get my arms seen to cause they're in a bad way. I can barely move my arms cause she bandaged them up so much.

Medication might not be a bad idea cause at this rate I'll be dead by the end of the week. I've told my auntie not to tell my mum cause I can't have her knowing about this and I've only told my auntie the basics.

I can't get on THIN again cause of server issues or something along those lines but if anyone who reads this that's on THIN then know that I'm alive and I also want to thank people for their support last night.


EDIT:  I went to the doctor who has put me back on medication. My anti-psychotics are double the dose of when I was taking them before a few months back and I'm also back on anti-depressants. He was hesitant giving me medication because of the risk of me overdosing, lets just say my medical record isn't a pretty picture. 
I feel like I'm right back at square one and I feel like the world's biggest failure. I know I need to pick myself up from this but what if I can't? The doc wants me to get help as soon as I move but he himself admitted that I'm in a difficult situation what with having to study and everything surrounding that and then getting help on top of that is very risky.
I can't fuck this up again, I seriously can't. I need to get a fucking grip and fast but it's so difficult. I'm firmly set in my self destructive ways again.
FAILURE!

 

I can't fight this anymore.
Fuckingweakpatheticbitch.

I give up.