Let me sleep

I just want to sleep and for this pain to go away. For once I am not talking about emotional pain. I have extreme stomach/back pains which is leaving me unable to walk or even sit. My boyfriend had to change my clothes for me cause I was too sore.

I really need sleep!

Sea monster please don't eat me

"Fatso"
"Sea monster please don't eat me"
"Looks like a sea monster running to eat someone"
"I see your true colours too, is FAT considered a colour"
"Are you a female or a dude? I can't tell you are so fucking ugly, I tend to think you're a shim"
"Please stop eating and drinking and die already. Please? Pretty please with no sugar on top?"
"I guess she realised how fat and ugly she really is"

Message heard, loud and clear.

FAT FAT FAT!!!

I don't know what to do! In 3 weeks I am going to Nepal with my boyfriend and I will meet all of his family, movie star friends and not to forget, his huge politician father. How can I go when I look like this? I'm fucking huge and I don't want to see his fucking hot as fuck ex girlfriends who are some iconic bollywood sex icon.

It's going to be so hot and I won't even be able to wear shorts or t-shirts cause of all my fucking scars. I'm gonna have to wear long sleeves at all times and tights. I have to lose as much weight as possible in 3 weeks so from now on I am restricting hardcore. It's going to be difficult though cause I have done nothing but binge for months and it is blatantly obvious because I am HUGE. FAT FAT FAT!

I wish I could just cut off all this fat. Fuck it, I am going to buy so many diet pills tomorrow and EPHEDRINE! Got to go search for ephedrine, right now.

Time for an update?

I was just watching 'Awkward' and for some reason I thought I would write a blog update.

Money things are finally sorted and they are pretty much throwing money at me for being 'mentally disabled'. For nearly a year I have went without money and now all of a sudden ESA and DLA are throwing money at me. Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing but I don't really know how to feel about it.

Last week was my final psychotherapy group day, yep that's the 6 months done. I pretty much fell apart after it ended but I kept it together till I was out of there when I probably should have told them how I felt about it. I have a follow up appointment in about 2 months and they will see how I'm doing and offer other group therapy if needed. I also have an appointment with a new psychiatrist on the 26th, which unfortunately is next week! I am shitting myself because I hate seeing new psychiatrists and I have already made my mind up, all psychiatrists are fucking assholes! Doesn't help that I need my meds changing and I know this Dr Suresh Bheemaradi (or however you fucking spell it) is going to be the same as Dr fucktard Muir and say that I need to relax and get over it. Argh, I fucking hate psychiatrists!

That's all I feel like saying at the moment.
Back to 'Awkward' (the best show ever).

TRIGGER! TRIGGER! TRIGGER!

I had to cut last night didn't I? I also had to cut deep and cover my arm in cuts. I had to go to hospital because my arm was so fucked up. All of this should be making me not want to do it again, right? NO! I want to take that razor and press it down as hard as I can and drag it across any part of my body and I don't want to stop until blood is spurting out of me. I shouldn't have cut because now that feeling is back again and I realise how much I have missed cutting my body up. I'm so fucked up, it's unreal. I have psychotherapy tomorrow and my self harm support worker so at least I'll have something to talk about. I badly want to live on my own and have no one close to me so I can lock myself indoors and cut myself as much as I want. Normal people dream of having a good job, a great family, a great partner etc and then there's me, wanting to be alone to cut myself 24/7 without having anyone interfering. I can't get the image of cutting deep into my arm out of my head. Last night I had an arterial bleed and seeig blood spurt out my arm felt like an achievement. How fucked up is that? How selfish? That's why I want to be alone cause that way I won't be hurting anyone by hurting myself. I need to cut. I want to cut. I have to cut. I feel sick with wanting it so much. It's kinda sad how this is the one thing I feel passionate about. The only thing I want to do withy self. I don't want to sort myself out. I want to cut!

Is this it?

Im not really sure where to begin. I will say now that this is going to be EXTREMELY TRIGGERING! AND DISGUSTING! I'm pretty sure my body is giving up on me. After all the years of bad use, I think it's finally catching up to me. I've already been told that having kids will be far from easy for me. I may have a tumour on my pituitary gland, most likely not cancerous but this could be causing my hormones to go fuckibg crazy. My breasts are leaking milk (not as much as it was), I have huge sores/boils all around my boobs, legs, lady parts and arms which ooze blood and puss daily. There's a mole on my arm which burst today and I thought it was never going to stop bleeding. All types of wounds are taking months to heal. When I sleep, I find it the hardest thing in the world to get up yet the only time I don't feel tired is when I stay awake for 40+ hours which I'm doing right now. I'm getting migraines daily. My vision is going to fuck, I keep missing steps going up and down them. Even this keypad is proving difficult because I see 2 of every letter, thankfully I can touch type. I can't keep in a straight line when I walk. My mood swings have been horrific, not being helped by the gremlin in my uterus producing fuck loads of blood. So right now I hate every single man, who by the way are a bunch of whiny little girls, I'm on my period so I'm excused. I have this in controllable urge to eat all the time which I guess isn't strange for me. For weeks now I have been getting incredibly strong stomach pains like I've never had before. What have I forgotten to whine about? Ah yeah, I can go a really long time without...shitting but then I get really bad diahhorea for a few hours then I can go another week without shitting. Oh yes and my back! Ever since I had that seizure in Febuary(?) my back has been excruciatingly painful. The doc said it was muscle pain and gave me meds which I have been taking for the past 5(?) months 2 times a day. I've cancelled my last 2 appointments with neurology because they made my life a living hell when I was younger. I've cancelled 2 EEG's, a normal doctor's appointment and many psych thingys. Mum wants me to get my skIn treated cause its infected and she wants me to get some sleeping pills. I've tried not showing anyone and I'm writing this here so I can rant as much as I want with no one paying attention. I got to sleep cause I have no idea what I'm saying anymore. Thanks you, iPhone. Night.

Fading away

I have scars on every part of my body and I am okay with that, they are part of me now. But they are fading and I don't like it at all. I used to have extensive scars on my legs and the ones on my left leg are almost all white. Yes they are still scars but they don't look bad. My left arm which was horrendous is now not so bad. I know my scars are still bad but I don't like that they are fading. It feels like a huge part of me is fading away and I know people will say that it's only skin and that I should be happy but with those scars, carries memories.

With so many, when I self harm no one really notices because there is so many already. Yeah they'll notice if they're fresh but not new scars. What if when they fade I go cut my body to shreads again? They show all my pain and when they go there will be nothing left. I have lived with for so long that I don't really want them to go away. It would be nice wearing shorts and short sleeved tops but I know that even when they fade I will have to have something to cover them up. They give me an excuse to hide my body. With them carries shame, pain and so many other things. It prevents me from getting really close to new people. They show vulnerability which I hate but that's another reason to hide them. People that know me think that I cover up to hide my scars but I also cover up to hide my fat body. I hate my body and it needs to be covered.

You know what's ironic? I'm actually making food while I type this. I know I need to lose weight and I desperately want to but I can't stop binging. I'm over eating because I'm so emotional and I eat a fuck ton when I'm like this. I want pancakes and jam but I ate 5 pancakes so they're finished. I'm making tortellini right now but don't really fancy it. I want something else but I don't know what. ICE CREAM! I have ice cream in the freezer! My life is complete.

I am still alive.

I am so sorry I have just abandoned this blog, I forgot about it for while and haven't been assed to write on here. I am going to start posting regularly again cause I need a good outlet.

Things have been rough, I won't lie. There's been many suicide attempts, self harm, binges, purges, drinking, smoking, fighting etc.

I am currently at a mentalization group at psychotherapy every Tuesday for 6 months and it is going really well. The majority of people in my group get on which is great and there's this one woman who has a lot of the same issues as me and we think alike. Having someone there who understands is really helpful, like we can almost read each others minds, it's freaky at times.

Me and my boyfriend are still living together and still a couple...kind of. Shit is a bit up in the air at them moment and I don't know what's happening as of yet. He has one idea and my mind changes every 5 minutes.

I got accepted to a different university to do human embryology and developmental biology which I'm meant to be starting in September this year but I'm not too sure if I'm going to be well enough yet.

Last week I was at the hormone clinic and I've got very high prolactin levels and I won't be able to have kids with this. They seem to think I have a tumour on my pituitary gland. The treatment for the prolactin thing, I can't have because it causes mental health problems and with my history they probably will never be able to give me it. The other treatment is birth control but obviously I won't be able to get pregnant on that either. If my blood tests show that my prolactin levels are still high I will have to get a brain scan and shit. It's the last thing I need to be honest.

Life right this second is getting a bit better but I badly want to self harm and the only reason I haven't yet is because my boyfriend will notice and I don't want anyone knowing.

Okay, off I go because I need a cig.
Hope you are all doing well.

Sorry I've been such a bad blogger lately, alot has been going on.

My boyfriend has moved in with me and I've been accepted into another University to study Human Embryology and Developmental Biology, I feel so smart writing that haha. Things have been a rocky ride but I'm getting by just about.

wanting to get drunk tonight to celebrate getting into University again. I'm scared I'm going to fail again but I need to stay positive.

I hope you guys are doing good. You'll find me onn THIN if you need/want me.
Much love. <3

For those who care

I thought it was about time I updated on here seen as it's been before christmas. I had a good enough christmas day until I threw myself down a flight of stairs twice. A few days later I ended up in hospital for an OD and a few days ago I admitted myself in to a psychiatric hospital up in Aberdeen but it was terrible and so my mum took me home today.

I am doing a lot better now and am feeling quite positive. I'm going to get help for my eating disorder and help with the rape a few months ago as they are the two I have prioritised. I've also promised to my boyfriend and nephew that I will stop self harming and that I will never do it again and that's going to be the hardest thing in the world for me but I don't intend on breaking my promise.

That's all for now.