I need a distraction so here goes. I'm not long out of hospital as I was taken in last night cause I overdosed (not majorly) and cut. The Intensive Home Care Treatment Team were meant to be taking care of me and making sure I was safe but they just dropped me off at home and said they would see me tomorrow even after my self harm suppert worker telling them that she was really worried about me and that I wasn't safe if I came home but did they listen? No of course they didn't. Guess I need to fight this alone seen as everyone else doesn't give a shit. Think I might go home tomorrow until the medication takes effect and I'm feeling a bit better and not planning ways to kill myself at every opportunity. If I had decent razors right now then I would be in a much worse state.
Part of me wants to be left alone to go into total self destruct mode and the only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because of my family as I know they would be completely devastated my death and I'm not willing to put them through that amount of hurt.
I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore, I'm drowning in all these feelings and because I have fucking Borderline Personality Disorder all my emotions are hightened so it's more intense for me and so fucking difficult to deal with. I'm doing my best to fight this but it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don't want to live anymore, that much I know.
This eating disorder is in full force aswell. I had £10 left in my account and a normal person would buy food seen as I have none but no not me, I bought cigs, Pepsi Max and chewing gum cause that's totally going to last me for 2-3 weeks. My flatmates cooked and there's soup left for me but I can;t face eating. I've also now run out of two sets of my pills so I really need to get some more tomorrow although I have no idea how cause I'm only seeing a psychiatric nurse tomorrow and they can;t prescribe medication, it needs to be a psychiatrist that does that but hopefully they'll figure something out. I don't even know if they will give me pills seen as I overdosed last night but I need my medication I realise that now.
I'm hoping on going home tomorrow but that means having to borrow money from one of my flatmates so I can get a train home. Home is the best way for me right now cause I'm less likely to kill myself or hurt myself there. It also give the medication a chance to take effect properly in a safe environment. The Intensive Home Care Treatment Team can go fuck themselves cause they clearly don't give a fuck if I'm alive or not.
I would like to think things can get better but every inch of me is saying that this is it and that it will never get better. People keep telling me it will get better but I just can't believe that right now with the way I'm feeling. I took my medication almost an hour ago so hopefully it will start to take effect soon.
Monday 21 November 2011
Thursday 17 November 2011
Such a mess.
So while I'm all drugged up on anti-psychotic meds and not a suicidal mess I thought I would update on here.
My ex boyfriend called the police on Monday because I was about to kill myself and the idiot I am told him that I was feeling really unsafe. They came and I was reluctant to co operate but gave them my pills and sat back down but I had a razor in my pocket and I was cutting my hand while they were there. They noticed my blood covered hand and demanded that I emptied my pockets. The paramedics came and told me I had to go to the hospital to get a psych evaluation or else the police would take me and lock me in a cell. I went with them but got outside and I saw broken glass on the ground and I impulsively picked up the broken bottle, I had to fight with 3 male police officers who eventually got the bottle out my hand then put me in handcuffs. They escorted me to the hospital where I had two police officers sat with me at all time and no matter how much I asked to get the handcuffs off they refused. They wouldn't even give me my keys cause I was using them to hurt myself aswell. One of the police officers kept telling me to stop struggling in the handcuffs but I was getting burns from them by turning them so much and all I wanted was to harm so it was something. Two female officers came and took over and searched me for any other blade.
I was sat there for hours then eventually got a psych evaluation but I just wanted them to let me go home so I could die as I wanted nothing more. They refused to let me go home so got the intensive home care treatment team to come down and see if they would take me on as they are an alternative to inpatient and they try to keep people out of hospital at all costs. The police wanted me inpatient or in a police cell but eventually agreed to let me go home. I got meds and got through the night but the day after I went to my appointment, got more medication but then went out and bought a heap of pills and bleach and intended on killing myself. I finished off my suicide notes and was about to take the pills and drink the bleach but passed out on the bed and when I woke up I took more anti-psychotics and passed out again. The day after that I went to my appointment and told them I had the pills and such and they just told me they would phone me at 8pm and they did but not till after 9pm and I told them I badly wanted to take the pills and they didn;t even talk to me for 5 minutes. They told me to keep mindful and that they would phone me tomorrow afternoon...like yeah thanks a fucking bunch you useless arseholes.
So at 9.30-10pm I went out for a walk and climbed up this huge hill and at the top you can see the entire city, it was pitch black but really peaceful. I phoned my auntie and told her and my mum partly what happened but obviously not about the almost killing myself bit. I sat up there for over an hour smoking and trying to clear my head then eventually went back. I poured the bottle of vodka down the sink, flushed the pills and bleach down the toilet aswell when I got back. I'm back at home with mum right now and am drugged up on anti-psychotic meds that the doctor was shocked at. I phoned the doctor up at my mums to get meds to last me till Monday and he said "bloody hell Nikki, does that not knock you out cold cause that would have me passed out".
Hopefully the meds can keep me going for the weekend but I dunno what I will do when I have to go back to uni on Monday, no doubt I will turn into a suicidal mess again and self harming to cope. Can't believe I am in such a mess, I'm trying though.
My ex boyfriend called the police on Monday because I was about to kill myself and the idiot I am told him that I was feeling really unsafe. They came and I was reluctant to co operate but gave them my pills and sat back down but I had a razor in my pocket and I was cutting my hand while they were there. They noticed my blood covered hand and demanded that I emptied my pockets. The paramedics came and told me I had to go to the hospital to get a psych evaluation or else the police would take me and lock me in a cell. I went with them but got outside and I saw broken glass on the ground and I impulsively picked up the broken bottle, I had to fight with 3 male police officers who eventually got the bottle out my hand then put me in handcuffs. They escorted me to the hospital where I had two police officers sat with me at all time and no matter how much I asked to get the handcuffs off they refused. They wouldn't even give me my keys cause I was using them to hurt myself aswell. One of the police officers kept telling me to stop struggling in the handcuffs but I was getting burns from them by turning them so much and all I wanted was to harm so it was something. Two female officers came and took over and searched me for any other blade.
I was sat there for hours then eventually got a psych evaluation but I just wanted them to let me go home so I could die as I wanted nothing more. They refused to let me go home so got the intensive home care treatment team to come down and see if they would take me on as they are an alternative to inpatient and they try to keep people out of hospital at all costs. The police wanted me inpatient or in a police cell but eventually agreed to let me go home. I got meds and got through the night but the day after I went to my appointment, got more medication but then went out and bought a heap of pills and bleach and intended on killing myself. I finished off my suicide notes and was about to take the pills and drink the bleach but passed out on the bed and when I woke up I took more anti-psychotics and passed out again. The day after that I went to my appointment and told them I had the pills and such and they just told me they would phone me at 8pm and they did but not till after 9pm and I told them I badly wanted to take the pills and they didn;t even talk to me for 5 minutes. They told me to keep mindful and that they would phone me tomorrow afternoon...like yeah thanks a fucking bunch you useless arseholes.
So at 9.30-10pm I went out for a walk and climbed up this huge hill and at the top you can see the entire city, it was pitch black but really peaceful. I phoned my auntie and told her and my mum partly what happened but obviously not about the almost killing myself bit. I sat up there for over an hour smoking and trying to clear my head then eventually went back. I poured the bottle of vodka down the sink, flushed the pills and bleach down the toilet aswell when I got back. I'm back at home with mum right now and am drugged up on anti-psychotic meds that the doctor was shocked at. I phoned the doctor up at my mums to get meds to last me till Monday and he said "bloody hell Nikki, does that not knock you out cold cause that would have me passed out".
Hopefully the meds can keep me going for the weekend but I dunno what I will do when I have to go back to uni on Monday, no doubt I will turn into a suicidal mess again and self harming to cope. Can't believe I am in such a mess, I'm trying though.
Wednesday 9 November 2011
35 stitches
Had to get 23 stitches last night and another psych evaluation. I was told that I had to go to an emergency psych appointment next week or end up in inpatient basically. If I didn't take the 12 stitches out that weren't meant to come out till tomorrow I would have 35 stitches...this makes me so fucking depressed. I know people that think stitches are cool and that they should always have stitches when they SI but I'm telling you this now, in NO way whatsoever is this shit cool. 9 years I have been doing this and I didn't think I would ever get to the stage where I needed 35 stitches in a week. If I could go back 9 years and show myself what this shit would do to me and others I would never have started.
Tuesday 8 November 2011
Monday 7 November 2011
I just took my razors apart and wore appropriate clothing for cutting then I ended up not cutting. I had everything planned out in my head and I was going to cut deep but I just didn't and I'm baffled as to why cause I want to cut. I'm just waiting for the urges to get overwhelming again then I'll cut. I'm sorry but I don't want to give it up, I'm not ready yet.
Thursday 3 November 2011
Help?
I posted this on THIN and I'm posting it here cause I'm fucking desperate.
I needed to talk/vent or I'm gonna go absolutely fucking insane. Since Saturday I have been on this huge self destructive roller coaster. I cut really badly on Saturday and punched a wall, same on Sunday and then on Monday. I was in the hospital twice cause I need to be patched up and to get an x-ray and some lovely psych evaluations. *rolls eyes* I'm being referred urgently to my community psych team and to a bunch of other people but I wasn't listening at this point. On Tuesday I was at breaking point in the kitchen having a really bad panic attack because I wanted to take all the pills that were in the kitchen and dip my hand in the pan of boiling water. I went home that night and stayed until today but as soon as I got back I self harmed really badly. I had to go to the hospital and I was there for 3 hours, they spent that long patching me up. They literally had to re-cut my skin to be able to stitch it because it was more than 24 hours since I did it and it was so bad that it desperately needed stitched. In 2 cuts I have 12 stitches. The doctor had to give me heaps of anaesthetic to numb the cuts but he didn't numb all the areas so I felt him putting the hook of the stitches through my arm and I didn't complain once, he asked if it was numb and I said yeah. LIES! I felt ashamed and so fucking depressed that I needed to feel pain.
No one knows I'm self harming again because it will destroy EVERYTHING! My kind of boyfriend has told me that I can visit him in december and all I can think about is how am I meant to stop cutting and let them heal before then. I can't do this. I'm 100% sucked back into this self harm addiction and it's ALL I can think about. I have already planned my next huge cutting session and potential overdose and I'm scaring myself. I am more than capable of doing it. I have no one to talk to, fuck I'm so scared. Help me?
I needed to talk/vent or I'm gonna go absolutely fucking insane. Since Saturday I have been on this huge self destructive roller coaster. I cut really badly on Saturday and punched a wall, same on Sunday and then on Monday. I was in the hospital twice cause I need to be patched up and to get an x-ray and some lovely psych evaluations. *rolls eyes* I'm being referred urgently to my community psych team and to a bunch of other people but I wasn't listening at this point. On Tuesday I was at breaking point in the kitchen having a really bad panic attack because I wanted to take all the pills that were in the kitchen and dip my hand in the pan of boiling water. I went home that night and stayed until today but as soon as I got back I self harmed really badly. I had to go to the hospital and I was there for 3 hours, they spent that long patching me up. They literally had to re-cut my skin to be able to stitch it because it was more than 24 hours since I did it and it was so bad that it desperately needed stitched. In 2 cuts I have 12 stitches. The doctor had to give me heaps of anaesthetic to numb the cuts but he didn't numb all the areas so I felt him putting the hook of the stitches through my arm and I didn't complain once, he asked if it was numb and I said yeah. LIES! I felt ashamed and so fucking depressed that I needed to feel pain.
No one knows I'm self harming again because it will destroy EVERYTHING! My kind of boyfriend has told me that I can visit him in december and all I can think about is how am I meant to stop cutting and let them heal before then. I can't do this. I'm 100% sucked back into this self harm addiction and it's ALL I can think about. I have already planned my next huge cutting session and potential overdose and I'm scaring myself. I am more than capable of doing it. I have no one to talk to, fuck I'm so scared. Help me?
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