Been in-patient.

Sorry I haven't updated in like forever.

I've been in-patient at a psychiatric hospital for a little while and before then everything was all messed up. I just got out of hospital today and thinking I left a bit too early seen as I have already sat on my window ledge (top floor) and thought about jumping down...boom dead Nikki.

I'm feeling a bit better now cause I've taken some meds (a little more than I should have) and I'm meeting my boyfriend tonight and we're gonna have an amazing time although I have my god damn period which means no sex tonight, I have no idea how to break that gently to someone who has been wanting me for weeks. :P

I'm going home to Aberdeen after staying at my boyfriends for a few days cause I badly want to be home now and see my family.

Oh yeah, have I mentioned I have a new boyfriend? :P He is the sweetest guy you could meet, he visited me in hospital every single night which made me very happy and he brought chocolate to me every night also, most of which I haven't eaten but the binge monster has been lurking a little.

That's all I feel like writing about right now, I kinda have no energy and I want another fag, speaking of which I have been smoking a lot. And in this past 2 weeks I have smoked more pot than in the past year.

Ta ta for now.

Can things ever get better?

I need a distraction so here goes. I'm not long out of hospital as I was taken in last night cause I overdosed (not majorly) and cut. The Intensive Home Care Treatment Team were meant to be taking care of me and making sure I was safe but they just dropped me off at home and said they would see me tomorrow even after my self harm suppert worker telling them that she was really worried about me and that I wasn't safe if I came home but did they listen? No of course they didn't. Guess I need to fight this alone seen as everyone else doesn't give a shit. Think I might go home tomorrow until the medication takes effect and I'm feeling a bit better and not planning ways to kill myself at every opportunity. If I had decent razors right now then I would be in a much worse state.

Part of me wants to be left alone to go into total self destruct mode and the only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because of my family as I know they would be completely devastated my death and I'm not willing to put them through that amount of hurt.

I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore, I'm drowning in all these feelings and because I have fucking Borderline Personality Disorder all my emotions are hightened so it's more intense for me and so fucking difficult to deal with. I'm doing my best to fight this but it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don't want to live anymore, that much I know.

This eating disorder is in full force aswell. I had £10 left in my account and a normal person would buy food seen as I have none but no not me, I bought cigs, Pepsi Max and chewing gum cause that's totally going to last me for 2-3 weeks. My flatmates cooked and there's soup left for me but I can;t face eating. I've also now run out of two sets of my pills so I really need to get some more tomorrow although I have no idea how cause I'm only seeing a psychiatric nurse tomorrow and they can;t prescribe medication, it needs to be a psychiatrist that does that but hopefully they'll figure something out. I don't even know if they will give me pills seen as I overdosed last night but I need my medication I realise that now.

I'm hoping on going home tomorrow but that means having to borrow money from one of my flatmates so I can get a train home. Home is the best way for me right now cause I'm less likely to kill myself or hurt myself there. It also give the medication a chance to take effect properly in a safe environment. The Intensive Home Care Treatment Team can go fuck themselves cause they clearly don't give a fuck if I'm alive or not.

I would like to think things can get better but every inch of me is saying that this is it and that it will never get better. People keep telling me it will get better but I just can't believe that right now with the way I'm feeling. I took my medication almost an hour ago so hopefully it will start to take effect soon.

Such a mess.

So while I'm all drugged up on anti-psychotic meds and not a suicidal mess I thought I would update on here.

My ex boyfriend called the police on Monday because I was about to kill myself and the idiot I am told him that I was feeling really unsafe. They came and I was reluctant to co operate but gave them my pills and sat back down but I had a razor in my pocket and I was cutting my hand while they were there. They noticed my blood covered hand and demanded that I emptied my pockets. The paramedics came and told me I had to go to the hospital to get a psych evaluation or else the police would take me and lock me in a cell. I went with them but got outside and I saw broken glass on the ground and I impulsively picked up the broken bottle, I had to fight with 3 male police officers who eventually got the bottle out my hand then put me in handcuffs. They escorted me to the hospital where I had two police officers sat with me at all time and no matter how much I asked to get the handcuffs off they refused. They wouldn't even give me my keys cause I was using them to hurt myself aswell. One of the police officers kept telling me to stop struggling in the handcuffs but I was getting burns from them by turning them so much and all I wanted was to harm so it was something. Two female officers came and took over and searched me for any other blade.

I was sat there for hours then eventually got a psych evaluation but I just wanted them to let me go home so I could die as I wanted nothing more. They refused to let me go home so got the intensive home care treatment team to come down and see if they would take me on as they are an alternative to inpatient and they try to keep people out of hospital at all costs. The police wanted me inpatient or in a police cell but eventually agreed to let me go home. I got meds and got through the night but the day after I went to my appointment, got more medication but then went out and bought a heap of pills and bleach and intended on killing myself. I finished off my suicide notes and was about to take the pills and drink the bleach but passed out on the bed and when I woke up I took more anti-psychotics and passed out again. The day after that I went to my appointment and told them I had the pills and such and they just told me they would phone me at 8pm and they did but not till after 9pm and I told them I badly wanted to take the pills and they didn;t even talk to me for 5 minutes. They told me to keep mindful and that they would phone me tomorrow afternoon...like yeah thanks a fucking bunch you useless arseholes.

So at 9.30-10pm I went out for a walk and climbed up this huge hill and at the top you can see the entire city, it was pitch black but really peaceful. I phoned my auntie and told her and my mum partly what happened but obviously not about the almost killing myself bit. I sat up there for over an hour smoking and trying to clear my head then eventually went back. I poured the bottle of vodka down the sink, flushed the pills and bleach down the toilet aswell when I got back. I'm back at home with mum right now and am drugged up on anti-psychotic meds that the doctor was shocked at. I phoned the doctor up at my mums to get meds to last me till Monday and he said "bloody hell Nikki, does that not knock you out cold cause that would have me passed out".

Hopefully the meds can keep me going for the weekend but I dunno what I will do when I have to go back to uni on Monday, no doubt I will turn into a suicidal mess again and self harming to cope. Can't believe I am in such a mess, I'm trying though.

35 stitches

Had to get 23 stitches last night and another psych evaluation. I was told that I had to go to an emergency psych appointment next week or end up in inpatient basically. If I didn't take the 12 stitches out that weren't meant to come out till tomorrow I would have 35 stitches...this makes me so fucking depressed. I know people that think stitches are cool and that they should always have stitches when they SI but I'm telling you this now, in NO way whatsoever is this shit cool. 9 years I have been doing this and I didn't think I would ever get to the stage where I needed 35 stitches in a week. If I could go back 9 years and show myself what this shit would do to me and others I would never have started.

I'm drinking again, this is becoming an almost daily thing now. Alcohol helps for a little bit then granted sometimes my mood plumets and I end up self harming bad but right now I don't care, I just want to disappear. I want to die.

I just took my razors apart and wore appropriate clothing for cutting then I ended up not cutting. I had everything planned out in my head and I was going to cut deep but I just didn't and I'm baffled as to why cause I want to cut. I'm just waiting for the urges to get overwhelming again then I'll cut. I'm sorry but I don't want to give it up, I'm not ready yet.

Help?

I posted this on THIN and I'm posting it here cause I'm fucking desperate.


I needed to talk/vent or I'm gonna go absolutely fucking insane. Since Saturday I have been on this huge self destructive roller coaster. I cut really badly on Saturday and punched a wall, same on Sunday and then on Monday. I was in the hospital twice cause I need to be patched up and to get an x-ray and some lovely psych evaluations. *rolls eyes* I'm being referred urgently to my community psych team and to a bunch of other people but I wasn't listening at this point. On Tuesday I was at breaking point in the kitchen having a really bad panic attack because I wanted to take all the pills that were in the kitchen and dip my hand in the pan of boiling water. I went home that night and stayed until today but as soon as I got back I self harmed really badly. I had to go to the hospital and I was there for 3 hours, they spent that long patching me up. They literally had to re-cut my skin to be able to stitch it because it was more than 24 hours since I did it and it was so bad that it desperately needed stitched. In 2 cuts I have 12 stitches. The doctor had to give me heaps of anaesthetic to numb the cuts but he didn't numb all the areas so I felt him putting the hook of the stitches through my arm and I didn't complain once, he asked if it was numb and I said yeah. LIES! I felt ashamed and so fucking depressed that I needed to feel pain.

No one knows I'm self harming again because it will destroy EVERYTHING! My kind of boyfriend has told me that I can visit him in december and all I can think about is how am I meant to stop cutting and let them heal before then. I can't do this. I'm 100% sucked back into this self harm addiction and it's ALL I can think about. I have already planned my next huge cutting session and potential overdose and I'm scaring myself. I am more than capable of doing it. I have no one to talk to, fuck I'm so scared. Help me?

Procrastination.

So instead of actually getting on with this essay that has to be handed in by 3pm (it's 2.30am) I'm sat here procrastinating and wasting valuable sleeping time, not that I would actually sleep if I went to bed seen as I didn't sleep till 7am yesterday morning. If I put my mind to it, this essay would be done in no time whatsoever but I just can't be fucking arsed and I know the longer I leave it the more stressed I'll get. Friday is usally my lazy uni day but because I never went to my 3 hour lab on Tuesday I need to attend the one tomorrow instead. *sadface*
I'm pretty much glugging back coffee which I really don't need to do but oh well. I'm so fucking bored, then why don't you just get on with your essay then? Eh, nah. *rolls eyes* I'm impossible.


I miss Pete. My mum has an issue with me and him getting 'friendly again'. Ha, what she doesn't know is that we've told eachother we still love one another and that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. I don't give a shit, he's my life and I can't believe how lucky I am to have him back in my life and for him to still love me more than any of you can imagine. I'm damaged goods and he doesn't care cause he loves me, wants me and needs me. Have you any idea how nice it is to be wanted so much and for someone to want nothing more than you to be safe, happy and loved? I love him so much and I refuse to fuck this up again.

Nikki get back to your essay you lazy fuck. Ok, bye guys.

Update.

Seems like I posted everywhere when I was drunk the other night. I was a very happy drunk however, lol. Honestly love you guys though and yeah I'm actually sober for once. :P

Don't have much to say. I'm happy, truley. It's all down to Pete, my ex boyfriend or whatever he is now. Things are so much better. I'm on a lot of meds, strong ones and one of them is being upped next week as well so ya know. I felt like a nut case being on all these meds but not really anymore because they help so whatever really.

Hope you are all having an amazing weekend.
See ya later guys.

I fucking ove you guys. Good night and I love you.

I miss him.

I'm procrastinating cause I've been doing work all night so I'm now really bored and badly miss Pete (my ex). It's unreal how close we have gotten again and we talk nearly all the time but I keep checking like every five minutes to see if he is online yet. His sleeping pattern is all messed up again so he is still probably asleep even though it's almost 11pm. I really want to talk/speak to him before I go to bed. It's very clear that we're gonna end up in a relationship again and I have mixed feeling about it cause I'm happy cause I love him but at the same time I'm terrified that I will mess up again.

I wish he would hurry up and get online. I can't work for very long just now cause I get bored and my concentration completely slips.


It's Friday soon! My anutie and nephew are coming down on Friday and we're going to the zoo then I'm going home with them for the weekend even though I was home this weekend as well. Pete needs to hurry up, I can't think about anything else but him and it's driving me nuts. Anywho, see ya later.

Slutty dogs.

Thank you Lily for your constant support and kinda words. I listen to all your comments and take your advice onboard. You're such a kind, sweet, caring person.

I weighed myself for the first time in weeks today and I have lost 10 pounds! So happy about that. Going back to my accommodation tomorrow and I'm not dreading it that much actually which I guess is a positive sign.

Right now I'm having to seperate my dog and his girlfriend dog cause she is in heat and even though my dog has no balls, he's acting like a lovesick horny little shit. She is acting like a slut and putting her tail up for him and licking his feet and everything. *rolls eyes*

Turns out I can't run away from my problems. The flashbacks of Saturday are just as bad at home as they were in my room. I still want to self harm and I still feel suicidal. I feel like utter fucking shit.

I hate the police.

I stayed at the crisis centre last night because I was a suicidal mess and still am to be honest. Ah fuck I just got a phone call from the police so my anxiety is through the roof once again. Great now the suicidal thoughts are even worse. Anyway as I was saying, I stayed at the crisis centre last night after being at the mental hospital for 4 hours waiting for an assessment and they told me that I am extremely fragile and need support...ya think? I just got back from the crisis centre and I have an appointment with them tonight at 7 to make a crisis plan, basically putting measures in place so I don't kill myself. I've already arranged to go home tomorrow for the weekend which gets me away from this place and the stress of having to deal with my room and the police.

My auntie and nephew are coming down next Friday for the day then I'm going home with them but I feel like I needed something to focus on before then hence me going home this weekend. Fuck, I've never felt this kind of anxiety in my life. My room mate is fucking nuts. She has been acting strange since she found out what happened to me but not necessarily in a bad way I think, just in a weird way.

I'm pissed that the police phoned me cause I was doing moderately ok before they called and now I'm a mess again, thanks. I haven't eaten yet and really don't want to. If I had my way I wouldn't eat at all but so far people have been shoving food in front of me, staring at me and telling me to eat! I don't want to though, I have no appetite whatsoever. Oh and I have lost weight cause I got weighed during my medical examination at the police station and even though it was really late and I had a ridiculously heavy dinner, I was still lighter so fuck knows how much weight I have lost if  I was to weigh myself in the morning. I'll weight myself when I go home tomorrow, fingers crossed I have lost a fair amount of weight.

Got to be strong.

So, I'm back in my room and not having a major mental breakdown...yet. I honestly have the best friends ever. They came in to my room earlier, set up my bed and pinned photos and a letter up right next to my bed. The letter is one of the sweetest kindest things I have ever read. They told me how brave I have been and that they love me and will always be there for me. I then went on Facebook and got a message from my ex listing a heap of things he loves about me, I'll copy and paste it here.

Things I Love About Nikki...

1. Insanely cute, sweet, and charming, once she opens up a lil.
2. She appreciates the smaller things; the beauty in things, that most oversee, like trees.
3. Her voice is incredible; her giggles, laughs, and other little things have a habit of melting me.
4. She's defensive over what she truly cares about; the things that reallymean something to her, she'll defend, even at her own cost.
5. She has an awesome sense of humor; she'll get (most of) my silly crappy jokes and smart-ass comments.
6. She is clumsy as hell sometimes, and I have to admit, it's kinda cute, but, that said, she can SOMETIMES be graceful, and those times are particularly special. There's something very quirky, raw, and natural about this side of her, and I love it.
7. Her capacity to love, is so impressive... How much she can care about someone; about me, just blows me away.
8. Her brains! She's very smart, and that's always been something I've loved about her. She's typically modest, but I know what I'm on about; that girl's gotta brain.
9. I love that she relates to me, even with the bad stuff; she understands alot of the things that terrify me, and she is just so incredible with all that understanding.
10. The Nikki that gets hidden; the one I know better than probably anyone; she is what I love about Nikki.

You rock, even WITH your flaws, before you say anything. Sometimes it's the flaws that you even more beutiful to me.

Hope that brought a few smiles to you... Which reminds me...

11. Gorgeous smiles!!!


Is that not so sweet? These are the kind of things that are clinging me on to life. I went to student counselling today and they have booked me an emergency appointment with a doctor cause I want to die rather a lot. A few hours ago I was 100% sure that in a few days I was going to be dead but I realise how much I mean to my friends and family and once again they are keeping me alive. I've never been so supported before by friends. Yeah the police are wankers but my friends are fucking amazing.

Being in this room is so difficult because I can still smell and see him in here. I have no idea how I am going to sleep in here tonight or if I will even be alive by tomorrow morning. I'm honestly trying my best but everything is so difficult. Everytime I go out I have panick attacks and every man I see I instantly think of HIM. I know I have to be strong but fuck this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

He's getting away with rape as I live in fear and trying to piece my life back together yet again. I'm acting like such a bitch to my auntie cause I just don't want to talk about what happened with her, it's too painful. I've decided to stay in my flat and in the same room that it happened cause I feel like I need to get on with it even though I'm terrified that he will come back.


The police told me that they don't have enough evidence to charge him and that apparantly my mental health problems makes me see and believe things that may not have happened which is absolute bullshit. No is no, sorry did I just imagine that or is ok to say no and him still continue to have sex with me, hit me and wrap his hands around my throat? Fuck this, I should never have went to the police I knew they wouldn't believe me cause I'm just the crazy girl that hurts herself.

Just had one of the worst nights of my life. I haven't slept in near 48 hours because I have been at the police station and hospital being assessed and giving my statement. As we speak there's a guy in custody and I'm fucking scared when he gets out. He knows where I live, he goes to the same uni as me, he knows my friends...I just want to fucking die. I had the worst medical examination ever, I had to go through everything that happened over and over again. I can't do this.

Pathetic bitch can't even walk into my bedroom without bursting in to tears and running out. All my fucking fault.

I'm lying in bed about to try and get some sleep but I'm kinda scared to. I was at dancing tonight and about half way through the advanced class my mood plumeted and I was seconds away from having a panick attack. Everything went to shit and I wanted nothing more than to run out and cut. I could feel my heart getting heavier, the room was getting smaller, it felt like all the happiness in the world had disappeared and it was fucking scary. After that I somewhat gave up cause I couldn't concentrate or remember what I was doing.

I think I'm tired but I bet it will take me hours to actually fall asleep. Bed time is when I think the most but I really don't want to think, especially tonight. I have a headache aswell so I'm just overall feeling pretty damn shitty.

My ex got in touch yesterday so we have been messaging eachother and so far it's been alright. Ok I need to sleep now cause the screen is hurting my eyes.
Night, people.

Dancing.

Just a quick post. I went to the most amazing contemporary show tonight at the theatre and got to sit and listen to the cast as people asked them questions. Some of them didn't start ballet and contemporary dancing till really late one of them not till he was 21! There's some hope for me yet. I have the 2 hour contemporary workshop tomorrow on stage at the theatre with the cast and everything and I'm so freaking excited. I'm now attending 8 dance classes a week and my room mate has just asked if we could go to kickboxing tomorrow night. So I will have the 2 hour workshop in the afternoon then 1.5 hours of kickboxing in the evening. The day after I will have 2 hours of hip hop and on Friday I will have an hour of jazz and an hour of advanced contemporary. I must be mad!

I'm seeing someone from the self harm project on Friday also AND I have all my lectures, tutorials and work to fit in between all this lol. It's almost 1am and I need to have a shower before going to bed and I need to be up for a 9am lecture but I'm too excited and buzzed to sleep. I'm going to throw all my energy in to dance cause it means so much to me and makes me the happiest I have felt in a VERY long time and I mean years. This was meant to just be a quick blog.

Shower time before I procrastinate some more.
Night night.

Excited.

The days are gradually getting better and easier again thank fuck. Uni is stressful but that's the same for nearly every student, I just have several mental health problems to contend with on top of it all. I did shit on my math assessment tonight as I only got 30% or something crappy like that. I got an email from my math lecturer saying my performance in tests were poor and that I needed to come along for extra tuition. They're basically confirming what I've been saying for ages; I'm shit at math. Oh well, it's not like everyone is fabulous at math and I am good at Chemistry, I mean I am doing a degree on it so I must be alright at it. It feels like I'm doing a math degree cause all my work is for that but I'm getting by...just.

I went dancing tonight and it was great fun as always. It was the beginners contemporary tonight and I found it so much easier than the first time I went, maybe because I have been to the advanced class and to a fair few other dance classes as well. I feel like I'm becoming a better dancer and it's a great feeling. I do 5 classes a week although I would like to do more but ballet is at 6pm on a Monday and I have a History of Science lecture that doesn't finish till 6 so it kinda sucks. I wanted to do tap but I'm also trying to make time for my heavy work load and having a bit of time to myself aswell.

I am so excited for tomorrow cause I'm going to the theatre to watch a dance show. It's choreographed by a guy who choreographed the royal ballet and he's very well known so it should be amazing then the day after I have a professional contemporary workshop for two hours in the afternoon. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am for this. I feel like this is a one off experience...ah I think I might explode with excitment. Dancing makes me happy if you haven't gathered already.

My mum and auntie are coming down at the weekend and for once I am really looking forward to it. My relationship is so much better with my mum since I moved out again and I talk to my auntie on the phone several times a day. I feel quite lonely down here so I think I'm just looking foward to seeing some familiar faces and being able to be myself completely. I'm going shopping when they arrive and I'm going to buy a really nice jacket and some new converse, yay. I'm also going to treat them to a meal out and we've decided on a really nice Italian resteraunt. Yeah I'm somewhat scared of the food and the calories and people watching me eat but I refuse to let it destroy my weekend.

Talking about this reminds me of how alone I feel here. I don't really talk to anyone apart from small talk. No wonder I phone my auntie all the time. I have no friends in class, I have no close friends in my flat, I never see my best friend cause we're both busy with uni and my other best friend lives hours away. I might talk to my new self harm support worker about it cause I'm sure she'll be able to help in some way. Penumbra (the self harm group) hold an art group so I might see if I can get into that. I hate feeling this alone, I feel empty. I wish I had more friends or someone to talk to. Oh well, I'll try to keep my head up and besides tomorrow is the show then wednesday is the workshop and it's only 3 days after that I'll get to see my mum and auntie. I might even go out Friday night to chillax and have a good time.

Sorry for the long blog, I guess I just needed to talk.
See ya.

Light switch to the brain.

I'm an idiot. I've just realised that the reason I am probably feeling a bit better is because I have been taking my medication constinstently again. I should really just fucking learn that I need my medication to keep myself on the straight and narrow.

No more missing it or avoiding taking it. So what if I NEED them, many people are on mdication for their entire lives, right? I still feel like a total failure for being dependant on them though.

Breathing.

I'm in the middle of doing math stuff and so far I haven't broken down in tears yet lol. Nah it's going alright although I am really beginning to struggle now and I can't make sense of it no matter how hard I try.

I stayed in last night and had a quiet, relaxing night for once. I binged but I'm not beating myself up too much about it although I can feel the self hate bubbling inside me. I haven't cut in a few days and it's getting a little easier although I do still want to cut pretty bad. I've been on a non-stop binge today which is pissing me off but oh well. I just thought I would take a break from all the work I have to do.

People say that when you're at uni you have no work to do and that it's all partying...bullshit. Yeah there is a fair bit of partying and stuff but the work load is still pretty intense, it certainly is for sciences anyway. I've been letting the stress get on top of me and I haven't been taking any time to just breath but today I'm really trying to be better.

I'm taking one day/hour/minute at a time.

I should be happy.

I'm alive.
I'm not cut to bits.
I didn't get ridiculously drunk last night.
I'm not lying in a hospital bed half dead.

I should be happy about that right? I'm not happy unless I am destroying myself and that's all I want right now.

Unspoken words.

I've spent around 7 maybe more hours on math today and I still haven't done the assessment that has to be done for 9am tomorrow morning. I can't get past the quiz that needs 60% to then go on to the assessment and it's not through lack of trying I just can't do it and it's now 12.10am and I have a 9am lecture so no way am I staying up for several more hours doing something that is stressing me out.

I have an assessment with the self harm project tomorrow which is good cause they bumped me way up the waiting list cause of my recent behavour. The good thing about maths and studying overall is that it's a great distraction. Granted when I went to the doctor today she demanded to see my arms and saw that the other one has been cut up as well so that required a trip to the nurse. Ironically it hurts worse than my stitched up arm, I don't know why I find that funny. It's gotten to the point where self harm doesn't phase me again and I'm not scared of it. I'm not scared of hurting myself anymore, I just do it which is sad and hopefully it won't always be this way but for the moment it's the one thing keeping me going and helping to relieve some of my stress. It makes me feel like less of a failure but not always. I'm not saying self harm is good cause I'm not and I would discourage anyone else doing it but for me it's keeping me together and it feels like a huge part of me.

I've been feeling really suicidal and the cutting helps with that. I'm shit at telling people how I feel as I'm so good at putting on a front but look under the clothes and my skin screams out more than I could ever express verbally. This whole blog has turned into a self harm blog which I'm sorry for but I find it a hell of a lot easier talking about this than my eating disorder at the moment and also how I'm feeling.

Time to go and fuck around with things.
See ya!

Insert title here...

Today has been a better day, kinda.
Granted, I now want to cut and probably will but the urges haven't crippled me today.

I however did come to a realisation.
The things that I am living for and are keeping me alive are the things that could and very likely will kill me and already is.
Sad but so true.

My phone broke today and I felt like a part of me had ripped out my chest lol. I hated not being able to phone my auntie and having a random conversation with her, I missed checking the time, I missed knowing that it was there for whenever I needed it, I also missed it during lectures.

Early night tonight I reckon but I need to cut first, hopefully not too bad though. I have to pick my room mate from the hospital tomorrow because she is having an abortion and needs to stay in for 4-6hours. It makes me sad that she is doing this but it's her choice and I respect that. I have a doctors appointment that hopefully I will be able to make but I'm nervous about it cause of the hospital incident and stuff.

Fuck I want to cut.

I need to go to bed I reckon cause the anxiety and crippling emotions are beginning to break through again. I need to wash my hair too but that will be difficult with a bandaged up arm. 

I also wanted to thank Lily and Jessie a huge amount for their comments lately as it means so much to me. Thank you! <3

Hope you are all well. Xxx 

Falling apart.

Today and yesterday have been VERY bad days. I got through yesterday without self harming but I have no idea why but today I had to go to the hospital because of it. I broke down in maths cause I was feeling so overwhelmed with emotions and urges to harm so when I came home I text my last self harm support worker cause I don't have a new one yet and she told me to write her a long ranting email about everything and I did and I held on for as long as I could but then I just broke and cut.

I didn't even think I cut that bad apart from one of them that wouldn't stop bleeding so I went to the doctor and got an emergency appointment and they ordered me to go to the hospital to get stitches. The nurse or doctor at the hospital told me I better not be making a mess on the floor and that instantly pissed me off. It's like, well how about you give me a towel or something so I'm not bleeding all over the floor. He had to give me several sticthes, glue and steri-strips just to patch my arm up. I was lying there almost completely numb and beginning to feel the guilt pile on top of me. The anaesthetic is starting to ware off so my arm hurts like a bitch...good. No one other than the doctor, my self harm support worker and you guys, know about this. I can't and won't tell my mum and auntie cause they will only worry. I feel so alone though and I hate it.

All of us are going out for an Indian meal tonight and I really don't feel up to it. I have so much uni work to do and I could easily just die in a hole somewhere right now. Things are falling apart.

Hugely eventful weekend.

On Friday I had a one night stand for the first time in my life. I just met the guy a few hours before I brought him back to the flat. His name was Andy, he will be 27 this week (9 years older than me) and has a 14 month old daughter called Ruby. He was pissed (so was I) and high on cocaine (I wasn't). Because he was high he was having erectile issues, lol. That however didn't stop him from being amazing with his hands and such. Before me, he hadn't had sex for 18 months which is just a little longer than me at 13-14 months. He told me as he sat down on my bed that he didn't come back for sex and that he really just wanted a kiss and a cuddle which he got in excess. As we lay on the bed kissing, we would stop and talk for ages then get back to the sexual stuff. He cuddled me the entire time we spoke and played with my hair (I love it when people do that). I was wondering how I was having a conversation about Brittish comedy with a guy in my bed...it's just so weird for me. He was forceful but gentle and holy shit this blog is fucking tmi but it's my blog and I want to talk about this. Apparantly last week I was chatting up John at my flat party but he told me he doesn't take advantage of drunk 18 year old girls..thankfully!

On Friday there was a part of the night where I got so upset because everyone was reminding me of the guy that sexually abused me and I broke down in tears in front of John who demanded to know what was wrong so I basically told him my life story. I need to monitor my alcohol levels cause I tend to be far too honest with people and blurt shit out that when I'm sober I keep hush hush.

One of the main reasons I don't have one night stands is cause I am covered in scars and that's not an exaggeration so when Andy was taking my leggings off all I could say was 'fuck fuck fuck, oh fuck' lol. He didn't mention it or say anything bad about them so I thought I should bring it up. He was telling me that he was such a fuck up and that he has done some really bad things but he's sorting himself out now so at that point I said ' you probably noticed that I have a lot of scars on my legs' and he said 'yeah I noticed' and that's when I told him I self harm and he was so sweet about it all. He cuddled me and kissed me and said it was ok. Being that close to someone again is amazing even if it was just for a night. He said he wants to see me on Tuesday when he's not high on cocaine and blind drunk but he was high and drunk when he said that, lol. He text me yesterday which is a good sign I guess. I showed him out the block of flats, kissed him goodbye and came back in. After like 2 minutes in the kitchen I went back in my room to find my room mate on the chair and I was like 'fucking hell, you're lucky you didn't walk in 10 minutes ago'. She was also really drunk, it was hilarious.

THEN last night my best friend from up North visited for the night and we got so so so drunk. She invited round 6 people that we both know from last year and the plan was to pre-drink at mine then go out to a club...we never got to the club cause of me. I ended up rolling around on the floor then pucking everywhere. At this point as my head was down the toilet and I was shoving my fingers down my throat to be sick to feel better, my friend told my other friend that they had to stop me because I'm bulimic and I can't do this. FUCK! She told him I was bulimic man, like fuck! They were both holding my arms back at full force to stop me from purging my way. They would have been aswell holding me down on the ground. They took me to bed, feeding me water every minute but I was sick in bed AGAIN, on the floor, in my shoes AGAIN and basically everywhere. The kitchen floor is still wet cause aparantly I spilt water everywhere. I didn't even think I was that drunk so it must have been mixing my drinks that done it cause I drank more the night before and didn't puke. So today I am majorly hungover and generally feeling rather shit.

I went down and spoke to John when I woke up cause I needed someone to talk to and he was great. All day I have been fighting huge urges to cut and I'm pretty certain by the end of the night that I will have fucked my arms up really bad cause the urges are just too much and honestly I do have plans to do it, sorry. I've been binging a fair bit today and purging actually. My throat is killing me along with the rest of my body. I was shoveling spagetti and tuna down my mouth with my fingers cause eating it with a fork took too long, fuck sake. I am so pathetic. I hate myself and I hate life right now. I want to crawl in a corner somewhere and cut everything away. I hate feeling like this. I refuse to cry. Fuck.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

I bet no one has got this far but if you have, thank you and sorry. I'm away to eat some more then cut. See ya!

A proper update.

I'm falling in love with Chemistry all over again since coming back to university and sparking up my hate towards maths. My brain goes fucking crazy when it sees numbers, so much that I end up learning nothing then breaking down in tears thinking I'm a failure.

I have a lot of reading to do for the history of science which is a pain cause there is heaps of really long unpronounceable greek names and it sounds like the book is ancient and it probably is, haha.

I went to two Hip Hop classes last night. One beginners and one advanced and it was incredible cause I haven't felt more in my element in a long time plus I had so much fun. I came home and ate dinner feeling less guilty cause I had been working out intensely for over 2 hours. I did yoga the day before and on Monday I did ballet and contemporary. Also I live in the top of the buiding which means lots of stairs, AND I walk everywhere. That makes me feel good cause I'm getting exercise instead of lazing around binging all day which I have done now and again since arriving but not a huge amount. Saying that I just ate a chocolate croissant and I'm tucking in to grapes atm.

I haven't self harmed in a few days. That was ironic, I just got a phone call from the self harm project as I was typing this lol. They told me they haven't forgotten about me but there is a bit of a waiting list as they are going through some staff changes. I need that appointment quite badly cause I am on the verge of doing some silly shit and I admit I need some sort of support in place. I made an appointment with the disability office for next Tuesday to get an assessment done so I can recieve support through my university so hopefully that will get sorted out really soon and I have medical evidence which should help things move along nicely.

This blog is really long, sorry. I think only a few people read this now anyway so oh well.

Hope you are all doing good. Xxx

Bubbles.

I know I haven't updated in a long time but I've been busy, stressed out and haven't really felt like talking about how I've been or feeling. Even right now I'm a bit apprehensive to talk about it cause I feel like I'm really sensitive and that anything could burst this very thin bubble I'm in at the moment and if that bubble bursts then all sorts of messy thing will come flowing out.

I want to self harm, that's what the voice in my brain just told me and I don't know if that voice is really saying what I feel or want to do subconsciously or whatever.

I keep getting text messages which I love cause I feel wanted and loved and because no one barely ever texts me, it's nice to get a heap in one night. I'm clinging on to people for sanity at the moment instead of bottling everything up which I still do to the extremes but not so much I don't think. Yesterday I had a really difficult day and I felt like the entire world was against me and that no one could ever understand how I was feeling and it was making me so angry, bitter, upset and alone.

This morning was terrible because I ended up almost crying in my maths tutorial because I can't do math and as soon as I see numbers my brain screams and me then shuts down which means nothing sinks in and I end up learning fuck all. Fucking failure. Nikki stop.

Need to go because I'm getting triggered and I don't want to cut again or feel worse.

Aaaaargh!

AAAAARGH!

I seriously want to rip the shit out of my skin right now cause it's so itchy. It started off with my arms just being itchy which is probably normal cause they are healing but then I picked them and scratched them but I'm not classing it as self harm. Now my whole frigging body is itchy, it's like I've got fucking fleas. It's getting me really angry and worked up and triggering me for some reason.

Fucking, aaaaargh. Sorry I had to make this blog to see if distracting myself would work any but my skin is still crawling.

Doing good.

I haven't binged, purged or cut since I moved which was on Saturday. Even before then actually but I'm really pleased with myself for not fucking up yet. Yesterday I was ill but I feel better today and my medication is really beginning to work. My anxiety has calmed down a lot and I can actually think without my mind racing with 500 different thoughts and triggering me. Overall I'm doing good other than obsessing over food and calories but it's better than binging and purging. My arm is still really fucked up from last week but there's not much I can do. I was told to go the nurse early this week but I can't book an appointment till after freshers which is next week so I'll just have to make do.

Sorry, I've rambled. I hope you're all doing alright.

I've arrived.

I'm all unpacked and no where near settled. I really need my BPD and avoidance persoanlity disorder to give me a break cause I'm convinced that everyone in my flat hates me and I'm terrified of being rejected. I already feel left out and the odd one out. I was trying to put make up then started crying cause I thought they left without me. I'm guzzling back the alcohol to try and make myself more social, this may be a bad idea or a very good one. I just want a break from my mental health problems for one night.

Move day.

Tomorrow is the big move day back to University in Edinburgh and I can't wait. I'm so excited to move in and meet all my new flatmates. I'm nervous as well and not looking forward to saying goodbye to my 11 year old nephew who has been like a little brother to me.

I might not get on to update for a while but wish me luck! New life here I come!!!

Bit better.

I think I'm doing a bit better since being back on my medication other than yesterday, I was ill and it felt like I had overdosed on fuck loads of tablets but I think that was because of my medication cause I'm feeling better today.

I know I've been avoiding people and haven't been posting on THIN or commenting on blogs but that's cause I really haven't felt up to it.

I haven't self harmed since the other night and because my arms are so bandaged up I can't cut my arms which overall is a good thing I reckon. My body probably needs a serious break from self harm anyway. I've been distracting myself a lot. Monday night I went to see my brother's partner then went to the cinema with my cousin and yesterday I visited my friend for the day and didn't get home till 12am. It was amazing seeing my friend again even though I barely spoke and my mood wasn't the best but I tried my best. She told me she was proud of me doing so good, it's safe to say I didn't tell her that my arms and legs are destroyed with cuts.

But yeah, my medication is beginning to work I reckon, thank fuck.

Last night. (Edited)

Last night was a nightmare.
I cut REALLY badly but was too weak and pathetic to tell my mum so she could take me to the hospital.
Instead I told my auntie this morning then went to the health centre. The nurse said I was incredibly lucky cause I was extremely close to blood vessels, nerves and veins so I'm pretty lucky I'm alive.
I needed stitches but it was too late and she told me they would likey do more harm than good cause it could nick a blood vessel or nerve and they couldn't take the risk.
I've been told I'll be left with severe scaring and I was ordered to see the doctor this afternoon. I have an appointment in an hour and the nurse said that by the looks of things I should most definitely be back on medication.
I have to go back to the nurse on Thursday to get my arms seen to cause they're in a bad way. I can barely move my arms cause she bandaged them up so much.

Medication might not be a bad idea cause at this rate I'll be dead by the end of the week. I've told my auntie not to tell my mum cause I can't have her knowing about this and I've only told my auntie the basics.

I can't get on THIN again cause of server issues or something along those lines but if anyone who reads this that's on THIN then know that I'm alive and I also want to thank people for their support last night.


EDIT:  I went to the doctor who has put me back on medication. My anti-psychotics are double the dose of when I was taking them before a few months back and I'm also back on anti-depressants. He was hesitant giving me medication because of the risk of me overdosing, lets just say my medical record isn't a pretty picture. 
I feel like I'm right back at square one and I feel like the world's biggest failure. I know I need to pick myself up from this but what if I can't? The doc wants me to get help as soon as I move but he himself admitted that I'm in a difficult situation what with having to study and everything surrounding that and then getting help on top of that is very risky.
I can't fuck this up again, I seriously can't. I need to get a fucking grip and fast but it's so difficult. I'm firmly set in my self destructive ways again.
FAILURE!

 

I can't fight this anymore.
Fuckingweakpatheticbitch.

I give up.

Shit I can't even remember making that blog last night. Thank you Lily for commenting.

I don't remember much about last night after a certain point, I know I cut again a while after when I went to bed then I pretty much passed out. My auntie tried waking me up today apparantly but I was knocked out and I wouldn't waken so she just left me (I could have been dead for all she knew).

I cut again when I woke up and I want to cut more. Fuck this is clearly going to get out of control again. I can't do this shit with going back to uni in 10 days especially as I'm sharing a room with someone. I knew I would go back with scars but I wasn't intending on going back with cuts.

I'm meeting my self harm support worker tomorrow to see if we can sort something out. Hopefully I can keep myself together by then.

Not good.

I cut for 20 minutes straight. I dissociated after a while of watching my blood run down the drain. My head honestly feels like it's about to explode. I'm dizzy and feeling really fucking shitty. I need to lye down but if I do I'm pretty sure I'll pass out.

Stupid fucking bitch.

Fucking shut up.

I just screamed at my mum and auntie telling them to shut up and would they please have a fucking conversation without shouting at eachother. I don't need this shit especially as I need to go to the hospital with mum cause she has an appointment. I hate going to the A&E department, it brings back all sorts of memories and is a massive trigger for me. It's worse cause I have cuts and it feels like everyone knows what you have done and are staring and judging you. I hate it, it alone makes me want to cut again. Also the scale can go fuck itself cause after losing 6lbs in 2 weeks it decided to go fucking crazy on me this morning.

I'm in a fucking awful mood. I'm fed up of taking care of my mum and having orders barked at me by her. I'm fed up of everything.

Also I'm really sorry for not comenting on blogs lately and basically ignoring the blog world but I haven't really felt up to it.

THIN.

So The Help I Need is pretty much where I reside these days. I rarely go on PrettyThin anymore because I don't like the atmosphere and there are too many wannarexic's. THIN is a lot more supportive and not as much members which is nice. However it needs more active members so if you aren't a member then please check it out on one condition; please read the rules and tips will not be tolerated.

It's a really supportive place so off you go and check it out people.

http://thehelpineed.webs.com/

Personality disorders suck.

My psychotherapist and the psychiatrist told me that I fit all the criteria for Avoidance Personality Disorder so I'll just add that to the ever growing list of things wrong with me. AvPD makes perfect sense to be perfectly honest and I will continue to battle that, BPD, depression, PTSD, OCD, bulimia, self harm and I might as well throw in the kitchen sink while I'm at it. *facepalm*

He said that I should seek several areas of support when I move to uni and that I should think about starting psychotherapy down there. He suggested I tell my flat mates how I can get in terms of the withdrawing and avoiding people. I'll probably tell them I have Avoidant Personality Disorder but that's about it. They are blatantly going to hate me.

Months worth of emotions are now pouring out in the form of tears.

I want to fade away and forget about everything. I don't want to remember.

I can't wait to get away from this shit hole cause the constant reminders are tearing me apart, I hate this place, I hate everyone in this fucked up town, I hate HIM. It makes me fucking sick that people love him so much and he gets to live a happy normal life while I listen to his car drive down the street everynight then have to see his face in my head and that smug fucking smile.

I HATE HIM!

I was bored earlier so racked out my roller blades, lol. I went outside in them all while clinging to my auntie for deal life. I ended up almost falling over 100 million times and landing in her arms hugging her. Everyone who passed in a car was pissing themselves laughing then it came to coming up a hill...I fell flat on my face while rolling down the hill. Just as I landed on my face my mum drove past in the car, stopped and almost pissed herself at the site of me lying on the pavement. *facepalm*

I'm watching Beaver Falls right now and it's hilarious.

I'm doing everything to calm myself down cause I have psychotherapy tomorrow and I really don't want to go for some reason. Anyway just thought I would let you all know that I am alive and I haven't forgotten about my blog.

I don't know what to think.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), today and I really don't know what to think or feel about it. I actually feel like self harming but what is that going to achieve, it's not going to make me normal is it?

I just want my best friend Caroline at the moment, I need a hug from her. I wish she didn't live like 2 hours away from me. I feel really intense emotions but I don't know what they are.

I feel fucking horrible.

=)

Had a really good day today. I woke up at a good 7.30am after a good sleep last night for the first time in a long time (fucking insomnia).  I got up feeling good and said to myself "ok Nikki you can do this, you can eat good today, no binging, purging or restricting, just eat like a normal person".

AND I HAVE!!!

I ate breakfast, lunch and dinner all with a reasonable amount of calories in them. I went to the shop and when choosing soup I was torn between a 51 calorie tin and a 200 calorie tin and usually I would have chosen the 51 calorie one but I didn't! My thinking was the 200 calorie one would be heavier and also keep me fuller for longer so I had that and it was lush. :)

I've just had my dinner which was chicken, potatoes and brocolli and I really enjoyed it. It didn't take me hours to eat it neither did I eat it so fast that I couldn't enjoy it. No way am I purging it either.

I feel so good and it's such a freaking relief after being stuck badly in this ED lately. This feeling may not last but I have shown myself that I can have a normal day when it comes to food.

My pride and joy.

My nephew is staying the night at ours tonight and he stayed up late with me cause he was so hyper cause we were mucking about and playing with the camera. That little boy makes me so happy, when I'm with him I don't have a million problems, he brings out my really chidish fun side. I'm gonna miss him so much when I go back to university.

I woke up feeling really ill but I think that's got something to do with binging and purging a lot yesterday and I did it all on no sleep. I didn't sleep toll about 11am maybe 12pm this afternoon and that's with not sleeping for about 40 hours...apart from the hour of disturbed sleep I had on the sofa. But yeah, I woke up feeling like shit and still do a bit but when Jack (my nephew) came round, he cheered me up heaps.

I'm gonna post some pictures that I took earlier of us messing around.

^ That's where he was pretending to be a dog and actually did a 'trick' to get a sweet from my mum, haha.

 ^ He's so freaking cute, no?

 ^ He was leaning on my foot making funny faces but I caught him being all cute.

^  LOL! I was a horse and by this point I wanted to collapse on the floor.

 ^ He was hiding cause we had both retreated upstairs after making heaps of noise, distrupting mum's programme and being shouted at so we went upstairs in fits of giggles.

  ^ Again he was hiding and telling me to hide, it was hilarious.

^ He let me style his hair and I sprayed SO much hairspray on it. Stylist of the year? Yeah I don't think so either. XD

Psychotherapy and being proud of myself.

I had a cancellation appointment today at psychotherapy and everything in me was telling me not to go but I did and I'm actually really glad cause the man I saw was amazing and he didn't bullshit me or treat me like a brain dead 12 year old. He picked up very quickly that I didn't look at him or the other doctor once which was a good thing cause it sparked off the very difficult conversation where I was really honest for the first time ever with someone like him. I don't have much time seeing him as I leave for another city on the 10th of September but he is going to see me till then and try to deal with the most pressing matters which is my anger. I had to fill in yet more forms, one of which was a personality one that was 20 pages long and had about 7 questions per page. I had another form to fill in about my childhood and shit but he said to me that he doesn't want to delve into my past as he thinks it's the last thing I need right now and it has the potential to get messy and make me very unstable and what I need right now is stability. He picked up that I make my mind up about someone very quick and either like them or hate them and once my opinion is made it's almost impossible to change it.

Before today I was determined that I wanted nothing more to do with professionals but now I dunno. He thinks it would be wise for me to have help when I move and also thinks I should go back on my antipsychotic medication which I'm not all keen on but we'll see. I'm at the stage where I would do almost anything to control my anger.

I however didn't mention how bad the binging and purging is, something I probably should have done cause starving my brain from every nutrient it needs may affect my concentration somewhat when I go to univeristy again. I met with my self harm support work afterwards and we sat in a graveyard in the middle of town as it was sunny and we spoke for about an hour. She thinks I really need to mention my "eating issues" to the psychotherapy people next week but I don't know.

Let me tell you something, lying is a hell of a lot easier then telling the truth and it doesn't take as much energy. I'm knackered as I didn't sleep last night and when I came back from my appointment at about 3pm I lay on the sofa and slept for about an hour so I'm real sleepy and moody right now.

That's my mum home and here comes the one million questions that I'm not in the mood for.

But do you know something? I'm actually really proud of myself for today.

Gonna do myself a favour...oh and this is me.

And get off the computer in a sec so I stop triggering the fuck out of myself. I have been doing it all day and up to this point I haven't given into extraordinarily strong urges to hurt myself. I don't know why I have been watching triggering videos, looking at triggering pictures, reading triggering things and thinking about triggering memories/thoughts. It's like I can't control it and it's fucking depressing and draining. I'm ashamed of myself. I really wanna cut and badly at that but I don't at the same time. I must not otherwise I would have hurt myself by now. I could easily binge right now too, not sure if I can resist that as much though.

Hope you guys are doing alright.

Oh and here is the video that I posted on THINs Facebook, I might as well put it on here as well. Excuse my awkwardness, sounding and looking like a complete ass.

Happy Nikki.

I finally went to see Harry Potter today and it was amazing. I'm sad that it's all over now but man the last film was so freaking good. I had to stop myself from standing up on my chair and cheering in the cinema at certain points. Ah man it was so emotional and action filled and I was glad to see they kept a lot of the important bits from the book in the film. I'm still excited now. I really wanna go see it again and again.

I also got some new trousers which I love and when I tried them on in the shop I wasn't filled with self hate and disgust. :)

However when I got up both mum and my auntie commented on my weight yet again. They said "you're looking a lot thinner again which doesn't make sense with all the shit you've been eating." I told them that they were delusional and they said "your waist is littler, your shoulders are skinny and your back looks thinner as well but you still have a huge arse." At least we agree on my arse, lol. They must be really dumb to have not sussed it by now but ah well, I'm not complaining.

It's been a good weekend so far and I hope it continues like this.

Trigger.

My mum and auntie are taking me to Tesco in a bit and the urge to binge is surreal and I know that I'm gonna buy a heap of binge food. I don't want to binge but I really do. 


Keep having bad flashbacks which triggers off binges, I know this now. Flashbacks are gradually getting worse again and it's so fucking hard to deal with. I don't want to winge about the flashbacks or my past but I want it all to stop, I want to forget so badly. 


Gonna go now.

Binge it all away.

Away to binge like a mother fucker just because I can and the small issue of feeling like total shit but not much has changed there.

Pete told me he still loved me the other day and ever since, I have been avoiding him like the plague.

Mum thinks she has cancer and the doctor has referred her to a specialist at the hospital and me being the heartless closed off bitch I am, barely reacted.

I didn't wake up till late today cause I thought dream world was the real world so kept going back to sleep to avoid whatever I was dreaming about and thought was real. I told Pete a bit about it only so he didn't think I was ignoring his texts (which I was also doing) and he told me he doesn't think I'm ready to go back to uni and he sticks by that. Fuck that, I'm going back to uni whether he like it or not, also whether I'm fucked up or not.

Life goes on if I'm unhinged or not.

Time to binge my feelings away.

Titles suck

I should really learn to blog earlier cause the later it gets the more my mood falls and I'm fed up of this all being depressing shit and I care what people think of me and if anyone has been reading this for any amount of time, I'm pretty sure they'll think I'm an attention seeker or just a stupidly depressed, over dramatic biatch.

Pete (my ex) is doing his very best to make me laugh and smile at every chance he gets. I really don't know why he's bothering with me. I'm still refusing to get too close to him and I've pretty much told him that I don't want to be close to anyone ever again. He didn't take it too well and refuses to give up on me/us. I didn't realise how closed up I have gotten till he got back in touch and tonight I think I'm acting really cold but it's just cause I'm feeling shitty and somewhat numb and not much emotions are registering with me so Pete being honest with me isn't affecting me as much as it should. For example this was said earlier.

Pete: "I just wanted to say that I miss you so much.. I miss how we were, when we were happy.. I miss YOU when you were.. well.. you. I wish I could turn back the time. I wish you didn't do things. I wish it was a perfect world in which you never left when you came here, and that we got a place together, somehow, and actually got what WE wanted, for a change."


He should have given up a long time ago, I'm not worth his time and he deserves better. I apparantly still help him, make him smile and laugh, make him happy and brighter, I inspire him to write good poetry and do some awesome shit on his guitar amongst other things. I broke him and he should have learnt to stay away from me.

I'm not a good person hence why I can't let anyone get close to me ever again and also it might keep me somewhat sane.

I'm sorry for the self pity once again but here I can be honest, mostly anyway.

Stupid idiot.

Make it stop, please? Make all of it stop.

A bath should be simple and relaxing but for me it's my worst nightmare. I thought it would be ok but it wasn't and now my leg is all fucked up with cuts...the most I have had in a long time.

Right now I don't want to live, I want to escape from all of this.

I'm scared of what I might do next.

Why can't I be normal? Why can't I stop shaking?

Nothing much to be said.

Had an alright day.

This ED is seriously kicking my ass though.

Everything is getting me down at the moment.

Don't really want to say much more cause I'm depressed enough as it is.

I hope all you guys are alright. <3

I think I might need help.

The binging and purging is getting out of control and with it comes the overwhelming self hate which is building each day, making me want to self harm an extraordinary amount.

I know deep down that everything is getting worse and out of control but I keep telling myself it'll be fine...denial basically.

I mean what's the point in going to the doctor? I'm moving to another city in September and I'll be back at uni which has the potential of making things worse but that's not really the point. I've been waiting months now for an appointment at psychotherapy and am still waiting despite me being put up the waiting list, having a really bad self harm episode and attempting suicide.
So it's not like I'm going to get help with this eating disorder before September if my other issues haven't been dealt with yet.

Also I'm really fucking fed up with psychiatrists/psychologists and the fucking rest of them. I'm an impossible patient and even more so since my anger got worse cause I completely shut down and also with not liking people very much it makes it almost impossible. I can change my mind about someone very quick and it doesn't really take a lot for me to dislike a person...yeah I'm well aware that I'm a bitch.

I've almost accepted that I will most likely have to live this way for the rest of my life and never get any decent help.

Now if you excuse me I'm away to eat till I die.

This blog has become so depressing. I'll be surprised if anyone still reads this.
Sorry.

Put me out my misery?

I don't know how I feel or what's going on and I don't particularily want to either.

Ate around 3000-4000 calories on binge food today.
I have substantial urges to cut.

I went out with my brother for our walk then when we were in the car he waved to the guy who sexually abused me when I was 9 fucking years old who also lives on the same street as me. I so badly wanted to ask my brother if he knew that prick but I completely froze as I was so shocked.
My brother knows fuck all about the abuse as he himself is a violent mind fuck that I wish was dead but still it really fucking got to me.
Does he know him and talk to him?
It would be kinda ironic if he and my brother knew eachother and were somewhat friends...two men that made my life a living hell for years and still do till this day. That would fit into my life pretty well as everything seems to be so fucked up.
It's bad enough both of them living so close to me when I have been abused in all shapes and forms by the pair of them.
I'm confused and hurt and I shouldn't be.


Just tell me I'm an oversensitive bitch and I'll shut up.

It doesn't shock me that I really want to hurt myself right now. I want to disappear.
I refuse to cry yet would happily cut. FFS.

 Someone please kill me? I'll rob a bank and pay you.

I'm so cool.

I'm away to have a Lord of the Rings marathon I reckon, although I need to be up early as I am meeting my self harm support worker in the morning.

Badly needing distracting hence why I'm about to watch The Lord of the Rings.
Feeling really shitty and I don't want to binge or cut...ha, who am I kidding? Of course I want to binge, I've been thinking about it for hours.

I didn't go out for my walk today with my brother cause he went with his mate and he was drunk anyway and since he beat the shit out of me, I have avoided him when he's drunk.
I could have really been doing with the exercise though even though my legs are totally fucked with all the exercise.
I have needed a piss for hours but it's too sore climbing the stairs.

That's me off. I love you all!
Hope everyone is having a better day than me.<3

A good day?

I got up after being nagged by my auntie about getting up cause we were going into town shopping. I eventually got up to find a bowl of food on my floor. >.>
I was sat on the edge of my bed staring at the bowl of food frozen with fear but I ate it and didn't purge it!

Then we got a bus into town and it was funny as there was two pensioners sat behind us talking about the economy and saying it was disgraceful then they told eachother their life stories. I was pissing myself laughing.

Shopping went well although I spent too much money that wasn't really my money to spend (it was my student money that I may need to give back). I wasn't intending on spending money but I did and it was a really impulsive thing and I sorta regret it now.

I got 3 new pairs of shoes/boots that I am so fucking happy with. I also got 2 dresses, 2 pairs of trousers and a top. Me and my auntie had to walk a hell of a lot with heaps of bags in the scorching heat but it was exercise.

Later on I went out for a massive walk with my brother and his partner and the 2 dogs which was cool cause it's all cross country and there's heaps of hills so it's a good workout. I did that last night as well and am planning on doing it everynight from now on...it will get me fit and burns heaps of calories! YAY!

Now I'm majorly sore though, especially my legs, I can barely move them but ah well.

Here are my gorgeous new shoes! =D
Aren't they beautiful? I may have a slight obsession with shoes.

Failed

I'm cutting again.
Now it's all I can think about once again.

I'm telling myself that I can control it but if that was the case then it wouldn't be on my mind 24/7.

Not telling anyone in real life about this.

Such a fucking failure but I'm not really sorry I started cutting again. 2 months down the drain. 

Need to take a chill pill

Basically the title says it all.

I'm going to bed before I smash some shit up. I don't even know why I'm like this.

Edit: Oh and I feel myself slipping again as I've been picking at my arm and not letting this one cut heal from over 2 months ago and I also took off 2 of my toe nails tonight...disgusting I know. I did this a lot when I was a kid and still do it now and again but very rarely...hmm, is that even self harm, probably is but I'm not counting it as. I want to cut, I spent hours thinking about cutting last night. I don't think I want to slip up after nearly 2 months self harm free.

That voice in my head keeps telling me to just do it and get it over with and then we can get back to usual...me self harming all the time. I was stood in the sun today, absolutely roasting cause I had a long sleeve top on with leggings and shorts and at that moment I was wishing that my arms weren't covered in scars, my whole body for that fact. Most of the time I don't give a shit about that...I don't give a shit right now.

I need to go to bed before I really fuck up.

Selfish.

So my ex has been texting me and is clearly trying and wanting me around a lil bit more and I should be happy, right? I should be happy that he wants to talk to me again but texting him is hard enough, let alone talking to him online and him wanting me back on his website.

I am ridiculously bitter for some reason and I don't mean with just him, I mean with everything. Truth be told I think I need some time away from him...alot more time. I'm fed up of relying on a relationship and it's not healthy for me. We're not good for eachother right now, in my opinion.

I don't want a relationship, I just want to focus on having a semi-normal life for going back to university so I can go to lectures, do my course work and pass my exams.

Me and Pete (my ex) are somewhat magnetic, we're drawn together and we have a very strong bond. It's all too messy though especially with the distance and me fucking up so much. I really don't want to be stuck in that relationship despite loving him. It's so hard saying no to him so when he asks to talk or texts me, I can't just ignore him or say no...I have issues with saying no and not just to him.

Maybe I really do need to be selfish this time cause I need to sort myself out before anything else.

And I have a new obsession with this song, it's so beautiful and I can relate to it a fair bit.

Time to cheer up.

Just binged and I don't want to purge even though the fear of the food in me is overwhelming.

I really want to stop purging but it's so difficult and I'm not sure if I'm ready to stop or if I can do it alone.  I figured I would post some random crap to keep me distracted and maybe cheer me up a lil.

Becoming a 'hermit' and other bullcrap

So I haven't been online in a few days because I have been living in my room avoiding all human contact. I've basically been watching dvds in the dark and only leaving my room for food and the occasional shower.

I keep being a sarcastic bitch and I sorta love it cause it's how I am and I don't see why I should hide it.

Mum doesn't like me voicing my opinions and being like this but fuck her she will have to deal with it. I keep making jokes and being sarcastic about things and I don't know if I'm being serious deep down or not.

I keep joking that I'm going to get a sex change and that I'm going to become a nun. The nun part is bullshit of course...yeah I have a twisted sense of humour sometimes.
The sex change bit...ugh idk. Truth being told from when I as a lil kid I kept doubting I was a girl and I genuinely thought when I hit about 11 that I was a boy and this continued for years. Even now I doubt myself and it's stupid cause I've had boyfriends and I've had sex and my last boyfriend gave me several explicit details to prove to me that I as a girl and even then I wasn't sure...insane or what?
I'm sometimes alot more comfortable acting as a boy than a girl, man I have issues.  It's maybe something to do ith me being bi but I really don't know.

I'm being rather up front with people lately...I've basically just been a complete bitch and I always have been but I've kept my thoughts in my head and never really voiced my opinions. I'm swearing more and my mum keeps telling me to be a lady and my responce "well I'm getting a sex change so that's solved" and she said so seriously "you're not, are you?" whatever. The mood I'm in it's very likely that I will blurt out that I'm bi and that yes I have kissed girls and fallen in love with girls so she can suck it. That's clearly not a very bright idea but I'm not thinking rationally right now.

I had a very public manic episode earlier; I was in my home town with my auntie and cousin and I went fucking loopy, my mind was racing and I started talking ridiculously fast then began shouting and jumping about all excited and honestly couldn't control what I was doing. I told them I was just excited to see my cousin and that it must have been the fresh air as I hadn't been out in quite a while but I don't think they bought it as I was fucking crazy. They told me to calm down or I was going to have a heart attack and it actually felt like I was about to.

My ex text me last night and it caught me by surprise. We texted for a short while and then when we finished texting I deleted his number and cried for ages. I don't think I can deal with talking to him right now cause it hurts too much and I need to get over him. Tbh I don't know if things will ever be the same...I destroyed things yes, and it's going to take a long time for us both to heal.

This blog is long yet again and I doubt anyone will bother reading it but I need to vent/rant/ramble, whatever you want to call it.

I've gotten a room; a student room that I will be sharing and the flat I will be sharing with 7 others. I really don't know how this is going to work out what with having fucking thousands of scars all over my body. How am I meant to get changed with someone staying in the same room as me without them noticing my scars? And what if my room mate is a major bitch? I haven't really thought this through but fuck it. That's my answer to everything lately; fuck it or fuck a duck. Swearing helps me to express myself so I'll continue being like this.

I'm bitter, very bitter...don't know why, don't care. 

I'm having another manic moment and I fucking hate it. My heart feels like it's about to pop out my chest, my head about to explode, I keep shaking and I feel like adrenaline is pumping through my entire body at an alarming rate. I can't talk to people cause I talk too fast and laugh for no reason and it feels horrible. How can I feel like I'm a drugged up hyper mental person yet want to die at the same time and also want to cut myself to pieces? I really don't like this! I want to stop shaking. It's fine, it's normal and I'm sure everyone feels like this at some point.

 My cousin is here who I haven't seen for ages and so is my nephew who I have just had on my back claiming to be a sloath attached to me. He also had me in a headlock...he is 10 years old and I'm 18.

I can't cope with this feeling, my head is throbbing and I feel so drugged. This is bullshit. 

Hmm, this whole blog is bullshit.

If you got to the end of this, you deserve an honourship or some other shit.

Exhauting!

I don't know how the hell I managed to do it but I just went and had a massive heart to heart with my mum. I never usually tell her anything but we were talking then all of a sudden I was telling her how much I hate psychiatrists and stuff. I then got really fucking brave and spiled my guts about almost everything. I showed her my diary, the really bad parts. The bits that spoke about the voices, the other world and worst of all the violent images and urges I have. She now sees why I hate psychiatrists and pretty much everyone else.

She was shocked to say the least and told me that I NEED to do something about it and fast. She seems to be terrified that I'm about to go murder someone. She told me that she suspects I have schizophrenia and most definitely some sort of personality disorder...just great. She was once a psychiatric nurse so ya know. She's going to go to a doctor about me and demand that something is done but they don't listen to me so why would they listen to her?

I can't believe I told her so much stuff, I even mentioned the purging but said it really quickly and I bet that is the last thing on her mind. She certainly doesn't see me as her sweet and innocent little girl anymore. I went out the front door and she almost had a heart attack...she probably thinks of me as a right monster.


I've stayed up all night again and now that I've told mum all that, I'm absolutely shattered. I need to go to bed not just for sleep but to stop myself from binging even more. I'm bloated and I have stomach cramps as I haven't purged the last lot of food.

I wish I hadn't of told mum now...here comes the guilt, paranoia, fear, anxiety and everything else.

Bed Time!

Here we go again.

Binge binge binge.

The not very glamorous life of a bulimic.

EDIT:  After binging a fuck load and purging so much that I can barely talk I said to myself that it was going to be the end of it...ha. I've gone and binged again. >.>

My chest feels like it's about to split open and my throat is red raw. I'm sat next to my auntie and I'm extremely paranoid because all I smell is vomit. This is no life yet why won't I stop? Why can't I control this? I hate bulimia so fucking much. Why would anyone choose this?

Fucked up.

So I was thinking about some things and I remembered something my self harm support worker mentioned; she asked if I had ever been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I told her that no one tells me anything but I doubt it. I didn't really know what it was even though I had heard of it but I didn't know the symptoms or whatever.

Anyway I decided to do some research on it tonight just for the sake of it and I was sat here reading it and I honestly went "oh for fucks sake, you've got to be shitting me, fucking bastards" I totally forgot that my mum and auntie were sitting in the same room as me but oh well. I fit every single diagnostic symptom and nothing has ever made sense like this. No wonder my self harm support worker brought it up. She's the only person I am completely honest with and who knows pretty much everything that goes on in my head...kinda.

Doesn't even fucking matter though seen as psychiatrists, psychologists and the rest of them won't take me seriously. Me being a stubborn, self centred, over sensitive, manipulative, vague...whatever, certainly doesn't help matters.  But I don't see how I can ignore this as it makes so much sense. My ex just thought I was a paranoid schizophrenic with some major problems but maaaan...my eating disorder even fits into this and the self harming and suicide attempts and every other fucking thing.

I'm so fucking pissed off right now cause no one will fucking help me and I don't even know if that's just me twisting the whole situation or not.

It's true, I can't handle happiness or achievment cause each time this happens I turn it all into negative things, especially self harming and sometimes even suicide attempts which is insane. It's why I'm scared about going back to uni, incase I actually do well.

I'm so fucked up it's unreal. Sometimes I just think I'm an attention seeking whore. Sometimes I'm almost screaming for help yet I push it all away...

I feel empty.

I'm going to have no one left in my life at this rate.

If people knew what was really going on in my head they would run 500,000 miles away.

This is another long blog feeling sorry myself.

Why the fuck am I angry now?

 Is it really any wonder why I used cut myself to pieces every fucking day? 

This isn't going to end well.

My mind is racing.

Why can't I focus on just one thing?

Also not surprised I have suffered from headaches my entire life.

I've often thought about doing some awful crime that will get me sent to prison for the rest of my life and that way no onewill have to deal with my fucked up shit anymore plus everyone will hate me. They would probably let me die in prison. I'm so fucked up.