Need to take a chill pill

Basically the title says it all.

I'm going to bed before I smash some shit up. I don't even know why I'm like this.

Edit: Oh and I feel myself slipping again as I've been picking at my arm and not letting this one cut heal from over 2 months ago and I also took off 2 of my toe nails tonight...disgusting I know. I did this a lot when I was a kid and still do it now and again but very rarely...hmm, is that even self harm, probably is but I'm not counting it as. I want to cut, I spent hours thinking about cutting last night. I don't think I want to slip up after nearly 2 months self harm free.

That voice in my head keeps telling me to just do it and get it over with and then we can get back to usual...me self harming all the time. I was stood in the sun today, absolutely roasting cause I had a long sleeve top on with leggings and shorts and at that moment I was wishing that my arms weren't covered in scars, my whole body for that fact. Most of the time I don't give a shit about that...I don't give a shit right now.

I need to go to bed before I really fuck up.

Selfish.

So my ex has been texting me and is clearly trying and wanting me around a lil bit more and I should be happy, right? I should be happy that he wants to talk to me again but texting him is hard enough, let alone talking to him online and him wanting me back on his website.

I am ridiculously bitter for some reason and I don't mean with just him, I mean with everything. Truth be told I think I need some time away from him...alot more time. I'm fed up of relying on a relationship and it's not healthy for me. We're not good for eachother right now, in my opinion.

I don't want a relationship, I just want to focus on having a semi-normal life for going back to university so I can go to lectures, do my course work and pass my exams.

Me and Pete (my ex) are somewhat magnetic, we're drawn together and we have a very strong bond. It's all too messy though especially with the distance and me fucking up so much. I really don't want to be stuck in that relationship despite loving him. It's so hard saying no to him so when he asks to talk or texts me, I can't just ignore him or say no...I have issues with saying no and not just to him.

Maybe I really do need to be selfish this time cause I need to sort myself out before anything else.

And I have a new obsession with this song, it's so beautiful and I can relate to it a fair bit.

Time to cheer up.

Just binged and I don't want to purge even though the fear of the food in me is overwhelming.

I really want to stop purging but it's so difficult and I'm not sure if I'm ready to stop or if I can do it alone.  I figured I would post some random crap to keep me distracted and maybe cheer me up a lil.

Becoming a 'hermit' and other bullcrap

So I haven't been online in a few days because I have been living in my room avoiding all human contact. I've basically been watching dvds in the dark and only leaving my room for food and the occasional shower.

I keep being a sarcastic bitch and I sorta love it cause it's how I am and I don't see why I should hide it.

Mum doesn't like me voicing my opinions and being like this but fuck her she will have to deal with it. I keep making jokes and being sarcastic about things and I don't know if I'm being serious deep down or not.

I keep joking that I'm going to get a sex change and that I'm going to become a nun. The nun part is bullshit of course...yeah I have a twisted sense of humour sometimes.
The sex change bit...ugh idk. Truth being told from when I as a lil kid I kept doubting I was a girl and I genuinely thought when I hit about 11 that I was a boy and this continued for years. Even now I doubt myself and it's stupid cause I've had boyfriends and I've had sex and my last boyfriend gave me several explicit details to prove to me that I as a girl and even then I wasn't sure...insane or what?
I'm sometimes alot more comfortable acting as a boy than a girl, man I have issues.  It's maybe something to do ith me being bi but I really don't know.

I'm being rather up front with people lately...I've basically just been a complete bitch and I always have been but I've kept my thoughts in my head and never really voiced my opinions. I'm swearing more and my mum keeps telling me to be a lady and my responce "well I'm getting a sex change so that's solved" and she said so seriously "you're not, are you?" whatever. The mood I'm in it's very likely that I will blurt out that I'm bi and that yes I have kissed girls and fallen in love with girls so she can suck it. That's clearly not a very bright idea but I'm not thinking rationally right now.

I had a very public manic episode earlier; I was in my home town with my auntie and cousin and I went fucking loopy, my mind was racing and I started talking ridiculously fast then began shouting and jumping about all excited and honestly couldn't control what I was doing. I told them I was just excited to see my cousin and that it must have been the fresh air as I hadn't been out in quite a while but I don't think they bought it as I was fucking crazy. They told me to calm down or I was going to have a heart attack and it actually felt like I was about to.

My ex text me last night and it caught me by surprise. We texted for a short while and then when we finished texting I deleted his number and cried for ages. I don't think I can deal with talking to him right now cause it hurts too much and I need to get over him. Tbh I don't know if things will ever be the same...I destroyed things yes, and it's going to take a long time for us both to heal.

This blog is long yet again and I doubt anyone will bother reading it but I need to vent/rant/ramble, whatever you want to call it.

I've gotten a room; a student room that I will be sharing and the flat I will be sharing with 7 others. I really don't know how this is going to work out what with having fucking thousands of scars all over my body. How am I meant to get changed with someone staying in the same room as me without them noticing my scars? And what if my room mate is a major bitch? I haven't really thought this through but fuck it. That's my answer to everything lately; fuck it or fuck a duck. Swearing helps me to express myself so I'll continue being like this.

I'm bitter, very bitter...don't know why, don't care. 

I'm having another manic moment and I fucking hate it. My heart feels like it's about to pop out my chest, my head about to explode, I keep shaking and I feel like adrenaline is pumping through my entire body at an alarming rate. I can't talk to people cause I talk too fast and laugh for no reason and it feels horrible. How can I feel like I'm a drugged up hyper mental person yet want to die at the same time and also want to cut myself to pieces? I really don't like this! I want to stop shaking. It's fine, it's normal and I'm sure everyone feels like this at some point.

 My cousin is here who I haven't seen for ages and so is my nephew who I have just had on my back claiming to be a sloath attached to me. He also had me in a headlock...he is 10 years old and I'm 18.

I can't cope with this feeling, my head is throbbing and I feel so drugged. This is bullshit. 

Hmm, this whole blog is bullshit.

If you got to the end of this, you deserve an honourship or some other shit.

Exhauting!

I don't know how the hell I managed to do it but I just went and had a massive heart to heart with my mum. I never usually tell her anything but we were talking then all of a sudden I was telling her how much I hate psychiatrists and stuff. I then got really fucking brave and spiled my guts about almost everything. I showed her my diary, the really bad parts. The bits that spoke about the voices, the other world and worst of all the violent images and urges I have. She now sees why I hate psychiatrists and pretty much everyone else.

She was shocked to say the least and told me that I NEED to do something about it and fast. She seems to be terrified that I'm about to go murder someone. She told me that she suspects I have schizophrenia and most definitely some sort of personality disorder...just great. She was once a psychiatric nurse so ya know. She's going to go to a doctor about me and demand that something is done but they don't listen to me so why would they listen to her?

I can't believe I told her so much stuff, I even mentioned the purging but said it really quickly and I bet that is the last thing on her mind. She certainly doesn't see me as her sweet and innocent little girl anymore. I went out the front door and she almost had a heart attack...she probably thinks of me as a right monster.


I've stayed up all night again and now that I've told mum all that, I'm absolutely shattered. I need to go to bed not just for sleep but to stop myself from binging even more. I'm bloated and I have stomach cramps as I haven't purged the last lot of food.

I wish I hadn't of told mum now...here comes the guilt, paranoia, fear, anxiety and everything else.

Bed Time!

Here we go again.

Binge binge binge.

The not very glamorous life of a bulimic.

EDIT:  After binging a fuck load and purging so much that I can barely talk I said to myself that it was going to be the end of it...ha. I've gone and binged again. >.>

My chest feels like it's about to split open and my throat is red raw. I'm sat next to my auntie and I'm extremely paranoid because all I smell is vomit. This is no life yet why won't I stop? Why can't I control this? I hate bulimia so fucking much. Why would anyone choose this?

Fucked up.

So I was thinking about some things and I remembered something my self harm support worker mentioned; she asked if I had ever been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I told her that no one tells me anything but I doubt it. I didn't really know what it was even though I had heard of it but I didn't know the symptoms or whatever.

Anyway I decided to do some research on it tonight just for the sake of it and I was sat here reading it and I honestly went "oh for fucks sake, you've got to be shitting me, fucking bastards" I totally forgot that my mum and auntie were sitting in the same room as me but oh well. I fit every single diagnostic symptom and nothing has ever made sense like this. No wonder my self harm support worker brought it up. She's the only person I am completely honest with and who knows pretty much everything that goes on in my head...kinda.

Doesn't even fucking matter though seen as psychiatrists, psychologists and the rest of them won't take me seriously. Me being a stubborn, self centred, over sensitive, manipulative, vague...whatever, certainly doesn't help matters.  But I don't see how I can ignore this as it makes so much sense. My ex just thought I was a paranoid schizophrenic with some major problems but maaaan...my eating disorder even fits into this and the self harming and suicide attempts and every other fucking thing.

I'm so fucking pissed off right now cause no one will fucking help me and I don't even know if that's just me twisting the whole situation or not.

It's true, I can't handle happiness or achievment cause each time this happens I turn it all into negative things, especially self harming and sometimes even suicide attempts which is insane. It's why I'm scared about going back to uni, incase I actually do well.

I'm so fucked up it's unreal. Sometimes I just think I'm an attention seeking whore. Sometimes I'm almost screaming for help yet I push it all away...

I feel empty.

I'm going to have no one left in my life at this rate.

If people knew what was really going on in my head they would run 500,000 miles away.

This is another long blog feeling sorry myself.

Why the fuck am I angry now?

 Is it really any wonder why I used cut myself to pieces every fucking day? 

This isn't going to end well.

My mind is racing.

Why can't I focus on just one thing?

Also not surprised I have suffered from headaches my entire life.

I've often thought about doing some awful crime that will get me sent to prison for the rest of my life and that way no onewill have to deal with my fucked up shit anymore plus everyone will hate me. They would probably let me die in prison. I'm so fucked up. 

Uni, mental health and other random shit

So I got an email back about student accommodation and it's all being sorted for me. I don't even need to apply as they will find a room for me as well as a room mate. However this all comes with one condition...I must have support in place for going back to university.

I didn't want to go into the mental health system when I move as I've been in the mental health system in that city and it fucking sucks. I've said I will see about getting mentor support which will help me with my studies and my mental health but I need to go through the disability office for this and I need to provide evidence that I have had mental health illnesses for over a year. Obviously that won't be much of a problem but that then requires me telling them that I'm currently on the waiting list for psychotherapy and seen as I'm moving I was intending on not taking that any further. The resident life co-ordinator wants to know everything about my support network and I know she wants me to be under professional help but I don't want that.

She told me that my room mate will be a regular 1st year student, focusing on their studies too and won't be a professional to help...I fucking know this. The only reason I wanted a room mate was so that I'm not stuck in a room on my own all the time like last year and that ended in me self harming all the time and attempting suicide. So in a way that's part of my safety measures.

I really don't want them forcing me into the mental health system as I've had it with the system. I know the doctors down where I'm moving and convincing them I don't need mental health help will be tough.

I want to try and get better and do it somewhat on my own...I don't want useless professionals making me feel like shit or a list of pills being thrown at me.

Moving away will give me some freedom again which I seriously can't wait for. It means I won't have fuck loads of binge food at my disposal so hopefully I can cut down on the purging. However I do know that I probably won't eat as much...if at all but ED related shit can go fuck a duck.

My mum is so fucking useless with technology. She just handed me the new house phone and expects me to set it all up. >.>

I'm away to work with her...it has nothing to do with potentially getting binge food.

Anyways, thank you Jessie and Lily, you two made me feel a lot better. Thanks for your support and kind words.

Have a good night everyone. <3

Talk about a dagger to the heart

I don't know why the fuck I went and looked at his online journal but I did and I wish I didn't. I'm talking about my ex, the one I royally fucked over with my self destructive behaviour. I was reading through it and came across this sentence;

"I imagine not many even care... ha... funny word, especially when people abuse the fuck out of it, then make a dick of you: "I care about you." - No you fucking don't"

I know that was aimed at me and reading it hurt more than I can even describe. He just doesn't get it. Yeah I was self destructive and selfish but that doesn't mean I don't care about him. I wouldn't go to bed everynight and cry for hours thinking about him and how much I've fucked up if I didn't care. He wants no contact from me and I have done what he wanted.

I'm sat here in absolute pieces after reading what he said. Can't say I don't deserve it though.



Later: FFS, I really feel myself slipping big time. I went upstairs and woke my mum up then had to nearly run into my bedroom having a panic attack and crying. I picked up the razor and kept rocking back and forth crying. Why do I always fuck up? I haven't tried to kill myself again because of him and knowing that another selfish, self destructive act wasn't going to make things any easier.

I can't get that sentence out my head, it's playing over and over again and my brain won't shut the fuck up. Yeah I know I'm worthless, pathetic, selfish etc etc etc but I wish my brain would stop reminding me of this every god damn second. I really want to cut and nothing is really stopping me seen as he is out my life but there's still that massive part of me that wants to prove to him that I can recover from all this self destructive behaviour...not that it's gonna make any difference as I've well and truley fucked him up and things between us.

Why can't I stop destroying everything?
I wish no one cared so I could die.
I wish I could go back to hurting myself all the time without a single soul knowing about it.
I wish a lot of things...
I fucking hate myself so much. 
Yeah I should probably stop feeling sorry for myself now but I've fucking had it with all of this shit. Why me?

A weird night.

So, I've not long got up...yep I never got up till 6pm. I didn't go to bed till about 5am and didn't sleep till about 8am so that's why. I probably would have gotten up earlier if I didn't pin a blanket to my window to block out some of the sun so my room was darker. It was pretty affective with my curtains so I was lying in bed tonight thinking about a heap of random things, enjoying the darkness.

So last night was a weird night. I was binging and I needed to go purge so I went upstairs then my auntie ran into me on the landing and asked what the hell I was doing as she laughed at me. I had a hair band on which pulled my hair back and I had a hat on top of that so none of my hair was showing.
I couldn't exactly say "oh you know, it's just so I don't get my hair covered in puke" so instead I said this;
"I'm seeing what I would look like as a boy, I'm considering changing my sex"
I mean seriously Nikki, of all the things you could have said you said that. What an idiot.

I also took some of my mum's cigarettes and smoked them and I don't have a fucking clue why. I hate smoking and I would never smoke myself yet I did. It's not gonna become a habit, I just did it cause...well I don't have a clue why. Then I went and drank some alcohol which I've sorta been doing every night lately...I also don't know why. I also kinda stabbed my leg with a safety pin and kept sliding it up and down my thigh but I don't class that as self harm.

Yeah last night was a weird night.

This blog is useless. Hmm what else?

Oh, thanks for all the comments I've been getting, I really appreciate it.
I love you guys.
Xxx

Changes through photos.

I was going through some photos and it was really weird seeing me at different stages. I'm gonna put some photos up, starting with the oldest and ending with my most recent one. Man this is weird.

 

Some of these photos bring back some intense memories, some awful, some good and some of the best times of my life. This reminds me that even when times are rough, it's always possible to come through in one piece.

Things will be ok.

Just read what I posted last night...I forgot how much of a state I could get myself into. I should probably believe in myself a lil bit more because even though I was in a really bad way and wanted to self harm more than I have done in a while, I didn't.

I should give myself some credit once in a while because even when I'm at the lowest of lows I get up and fight, sometimes without even realising it.

Going back to University is probably one of my best ideas because I need to get out of this rut and quit feeling sorry for myself. Yeah I have problems, who doesn't? I'm meant to be seeing that bitch of a psychiatrist in two days but I'm not going cause she'll make things worse and I can handle this shit on my own.

Can't wait to move away again. Also I've decided to do something with my summer instead of staying inside all day everyday. I don't know what I'm going to do yet but I'll figure something out.

Things will be ok, I just need to keep myself on track and stay positive. 

I miss it.

I miss self harming and I know I shouldn't but more and more I have wanted to go back to it. At the same time I don't want to go back to doing that shit over and over again everyday. I also don't want to hurt others but it's not like I've never managed to hide it before.

It's difficult quiting after 9 years and especially with it being really bad over the past few years. I'm trying to stay positive but I'm naturally a negative person (towards myself anyway). I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore. I hate myself so much and I can't help but to think that cutting away all my problems will help.

I feel so alone, that's probably why I spend so much time online.

I'm so fucking selfish and self centred and my brain won't let me change. Fed up of all these fucked up thoughts. I'm fed up of resenting everyone and everything for not letting me die or destroy myself...although I've been doing a pretty awesome job at destroying myself.


I miss my ex so badly. I can't believe how much I fucked that up. I warned him that I would destroy it all, including him. It's what I do, I destroy everything good in my life. I can't handle happiness, how pathetic is that?

I've had it. I can't cope with not hurting myself anymore...lol that's kinda funny cause I would say binging and purging everyday is hurting myself somehow but it's not the same, I can't control that. I'm kidding myself, I can't control self harm either but right now I don't give a fuck.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Be brave.

Nikki, be brave please. You can do this, don't let it get to you. Don't let it drag you so far down that you want to kill yourself. Please for once be brave.

Ugh, I don't think I can, I can't do this. Why does my mum insist on watching this shit when I'm in the room? Surely she can't be that dumb to not realise that it's going to affect me.

I'm keeping my music up really loud but when the song changes I hear bits of what is being said and I can see it, too. I wish I was brave but I'm not.

Don't you dare go and hurt yourself...I know you have really wanted to lately but just don't do it, ok?

I have been listening to this song for the past 2 hours and it's keeping me somewhat sane.

Irony.

Lol. I find it ironic how my mum is watching a programme on eating disorders while she is so oblivious to mine and what adds to the irony is that I'm sat here with a plate full of food and about to purge it soon.

Away from ED related stuff...I'm away to watch one of my favourite movies; Underworld and I'm listening to my favourite song of the moment. I think I have broken the repeat button. Here it is.

Progress?

I went over to my brother's house and when I saw him, I didn't want to smash his face in or want to break down in tears. I spoke to him and we were both civil. I miss his partner, I should go round to see her more. I told them I was going back to uni and they seemed pleased.

I ate fuck loads but right now I don't give a flying fuck. I think I might go out on my bike in a minute despite it getting dark...maybe I'm not ok with eating so much after all.

I'm in a better mood than I was before so that's a bonus. Scratch that...I just looked down at the rolls of fat on my stomach. Might have to go on that bike ride.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Psycho.

Horrible day yesterday.
Horrible day today.
Off to my prick of a brother's house soon.
Binged and purged again.
Cried again.
Almost walked down the street to that abusing bastard's house and showed him the damage he has done. Also almost went and smashed his car in...would be even better if I smashed it in with my scales, hit two birds with one stone.
There's still time to go fucking psycho. 
Fucking disaster.

Fuuuuck!

Argh! I'm so fucking angry with myself. I tried on a dress that fitted me perfectly last year and today it wouldn't fasten. It would barely go over my massive ass and thighs. Mum keeps telling me that I've lost weight again but it's not fucking enough. I repulse myself.

Before that I was thinking about eating a little something but no way am I touching food now. I want to cut every last bit of fat off. I'm so upset. :'(

Good times

I'm bored and have somewhat calmed down from my head fucked mental moment.

It's late...3am. Can't go to bed now or I'll end up getting up at 4-5pm again and that's not happening. Gonna watch a heap of shite, maybe a few movies.
I'm 100% addicted to PT. I'm 100% addicted to the internet again. When I was living with my Auntie is was kinda nice getting away from the internet (she didn't have internet access) but I also felt lonely without it. I still feel lonely...whenever I say that I think of Justin Timberlake's song "Cry Me A River". I've got that song stuck in my head now. >.>

I'm getting quite excited about going back to uni. My director of studies hasn't gotten back to me yet confirming that it's definitely alright for me coming back, the dick. Nah, he's awesome just not at emailing you back.

That was weird; I just smelt myself and it reminded me of my ex best friend, the one I fell in love with, lol. She hates me now and I can't say I really like her either. That's what happens when you go through that much shit with someone. We had some awesome times though, one stands out the most.

• Going to a pub when I was underage and drinking the seven deadly sins between us. 
• Going in to a shop to buy a bowl for the punch we were going to make when we got back to her flat. When we got back to her's we made a cocktail in the massive bowl, there were several types of alcohol in there and we got drunk all over again. 
• We danced with glow sticks.
• She then remembered we had to pick her mate up from the bus station and by this point we could barely stand. 
• We ran through the centre of the city, pissed as a fart then we got to this hill and we were running so fast that I fell over and started rollling down the hill in hysterics. She dragged me back to my feet and started running again.
• We picked her mate up and were laughing all the way back to her's where I drank some more, fell off very high stools repeatedly and kept falling over every few seconds. 
• The time came where I had to go home which meant getting on a bus to get home which was 25 miles away from her flat. 
• It was late and I was pissed so we were standing at the bus stop and I kept falling off the seat, rambling away to myself. She nearly shat herself as the police were going about and I was underage. 
• She told me to act normal while getting on the bus or the bus driver wouldn't let me on I stumbled up the steps, said goodbye to my mates then told her I loved her. She thought it was me just being drunk but I really did love her. 
• I was on the bus talking to myself then came the time that I had to get off. 
• My auntie was waiting for me with the dog and at this point she didn't know I was pissed but that got kinda obvious when I wouldn't shut the fuck up all the way home (we had to walk about a mile and a half to get home). 

That night was amazing. I miss her now.

Uni was another chapter in my life and I couldn't have celebrated my 18th in a better place. Ah, good times. Can't wait for the parties again. Roll on September. 

Still got that song stuck in my head, lol.

Don't do it, please?

Badly want to binge, yet there is that part of me screaming at myself not to. I can almost feel that part inside of me crying and begging, it's almost like there is a person sitting inside me, breaking down. The other part is telling me to go and eat everything I can get my hands on. I feel disgusting already and I haven't binged yet. The fear is building inside of me, so much so that I want to throw up...ironic, huh?

My auntie handed me a stir-fry with noodles earlier and after picking at it and eating bits here and there for about an hour and a half, I fed it to my dog, he was more interested in it than me. How can I restrict so much yet want to binge and binge and binge. Yesterday I went on a 6 hour binge...throwing up the majority of it. Today when I got up the thought of food was repulsing me...why the fuck do I want to binge now?

So fed up of this endless cycle. I don't want to binge anymore, I don't want to purge anymore. I hate purging so much that I have to grab on to things on my way to my room so I don't fall over. I hate that feeling of my head about to explode because I have been purging for so long. I hate that I turn into a Gollum type creature when I binge.

I hate it all yet I still do it and want to do it now. Fuck this.

I caved.

So after last night, I decided I needed a place to vent. I vent/rant a lot and at least if no one wants to hear it, they don't have to read this. No one in my non-internet life will get to read this, I doubt. Only one of my friends know about my binging/purging and all my other fucked upness hence why no one in my real life will know about this.

So this is my first pointless post...whatever you want to call it. I didn't even know what a blog was until a few months ago, I belong in the dark ages.