Is this it?

Im not really sure where to begin. I will say now that this is going to be EXTREMELY TRIGGERING! AND DISGUSTING! I'm pretty sure my body is giving up on me. After all the years of bad use, I think it's finally catching up to me. I've already been told that having kids will be far from easy for me. I may have a tumour on my pituitary gland, most likely not cancerous but this could be causing my hormones to go fuckibg crazy. My breasts are leaking milk (not as much as it was), I have huge sores/boils all around my boobs, legs, lady parts and arms which ooze blood and puss daily. There's a mole on my arm which burst today and I thought it was never going to stop bleeding. All types of wounds are taking months to heal. When I sleep, I find it the hardest thing in the world to get up yet the only time I don't feel tired is when I stay awake for 40+ hours which I'm doing right now. I'm getting migraines daily. My vision is going to fuck, I keep missing steps going up and down them. Even this keypad is proving difficult because I see 2 of every letter, thankfully I can touch type. I can't keep in a straight line when I walk. My mood swings have been horrific, not being helped by the gremlin in my uterus producing fuck loads of blood. So right now I hate every single man, who by the way are a bunch of whiny little girls, I'm on my period so I'm excused. I have this in controllable urge to eat all the time which I guess isn't strange for me. For weeks now I have been getting incredibly strong stomach pains like I've never had before. What have I forgotten to whine about? Ah yeah, I can go a really long time without...shitting but then I get really bad diahhorea for a few hours then I can go another week without shitting. Oh yes and my back! Ever since I had that seizure in Febuary(?) my back has been excruciatingly painful. The doc said it was muscle pain and gave me meds which I have been taking for the past 5(?) months 2 times a day. I've cancelled my last 2 appointments with neurology because they made my life a living hell when I was younger. I've cancelled 2 EEG's, a normal doctor's appointment and many psych thingys. Mum wants me to get my skIn treated cause its infected and she wants me to get some sleeping pills. I've tried not showing anyone and I'm writing this here so I can rant as much as I want with no one paying attention. I got to sleep cause I have no idea what I'm saying anymore. Thanks you, iPhone. Night.

Fading away

I have scars on every part of my body and I am okay with that, they are part of me now. But they are fading and I don't like it at all. I used to have extensive scars on my legs and the ones on my left leg are almost all white. Yes they are still scars but they don't look bad. My left arm which was horrendous is now not so bad. I know my scars are still bad but I don't like that they are fading. It feels like a huge part of me is fading away and I know people will say that it's only skin and that I should be happy but with those scars, carries memories.

With so many, when I self harm no one really notices because there is so many already. Yeah they'll notice if they're fresh but not new scars. What if when they fade I go cut my body to shreads again? They show all my pain and when they go there will be nothing left. I have lived with for so long that I don't really want them to go away. It would be nice wearing shorts and short sleeved tops but I know that even when they fade I will have to have something to cover them up. They give me an excuse to hide my body. With them carries shame, pain and so many other things. It prevents me from getting really close to new people. They show vulnerability which I hate but that's another reason to hide them. People that know me think that I cover up to hide my scars but I also cover up to hide my fat body. I hate my body and it needs to be covered.

You know what's ironic? I'm actually making food while I type this. I know I need to lose weight and I desperately want to but I can't stop binging. I'm over eating because I'm so emotional and I eat a fuck ton when I'm like this. I want pancakes and jam but I ate 5 pancakes so they're finished. I'm making tortellini right now but don't really fancy it. I want something else but I don't know what. ICE CREAM! I have ice cream in the freezer! My life is complete.

I am still alive.

I am so sorry I have just abandoned this blog, I forgot about it for while and haven't been assed to write on here. I am going to start posting regularly again cause I need a good outlet.

Things have been rough, I won't lie. There's been many suicide attempts, self harm, binges, purges, drinking, smoking, fighting etc.

I am currently at a mentalization group at psychotherapy every Tuesday for 6 months and it is going really well. The majority of people in my group get on which is great and there's this one woman who has a lot of the same issues as me and we think alike. Having someone there who understands is really helpful, like we can almost read each others minds, it's freaky at times.

Me and my boyfriend are still living together and still a couple...kind of. Shit is a bit up in the air at them moment and I don't know what's happening as of yet. He has one idea and my mind changes every 5 minutes.

I got accepted to a different university to do human embryology and developmental biology which I'm meant to be starting in September this year but I'm not too sure if I'm going to be well enough yet.

Last week I was at the hormone clinic and I've got very high prolactin levels and I won't be able to have kids with this. They seem to think I have a tumour on my pituitary gland. The treatment for the prolactin thing, I can't have because it causes mental health problems and with my history they probably will never be able to give me it. The other treatment is birth control but obviously I won't be able to get pregnant on that either. If my blood tests show that my prolactin levels are still high I will have to get a brain scan and shit. It's the last thing I need to be honest.

Life right this second is getting a bit better but I badly want to self harm and the only reason I haven't yet is because my boyfriend will notice and I don't want anyone knowing.

Okay, off I go because I need a cig.
Hope you are all doing well.