Procrastination.

So instead of actually getting on with this essay that has to be handed in by 3pm (it's 2.30am) I'm sat here procrastinating and wasting valuable sleeping time, not that I would actually sleep if I went to bed seen as I didn't sleep till 7am yesterday morning. If I put my mind to it, this essay would be done in no time whatsoever but I just can't be fucking arsed and I know the longer I leave it the more stressed I'll get. Friday is usally my lazy uni day but because I never went to my 3 hour lab on Tuesday I need to attend the one tomorrow instead. *sadface*
I'm pretty much glugging back coffee which I really don't need to do but oh well. I'm so fucking bored, then why don't you just get on with your essay then? Eh, nah. *rolls eyes* I'm impossible.


I miss Pete. My mum has an issue with me and him getting 'friendly again'. Ha, what she doesn't know is that we've told eachother we still love one another and that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. I don't give a shit, he's my life and I can't believe how lucky I am to have him back in my life and for him to still love me more than any of you can imagine. I'm damaged goods and he doesn't care cause he loves me, wants me and needs me. Have you any idea how nice it is to be wanted so much and for someone to want nothing more than you to be safe, happy and loved? I love him so much and I refuse to fuck this up again.

Nikki get back to your essay you lazy fuck. Ok, bye guys.

Update.

Seems like I posted everywhere when I was drunk the other night. I was a very happy drunk however, lol. Honestly love you guys though and yeah I'm actually sober for once. :P

Don't have much to say. I'm happy, truley. It's all down to Pete, my ex boyfriend or whatever he is now. Things are so much better. I'm on a lot of meds, strong ones and one of them is being upped next week as well so ya know. I felt like a nut case being on all these meds but not really anymore because they help so whatever really.

Hope you are all having an amazing weekend.
See ya later guys.

I fucking ove you guys. Good night and I love you.

I miss him.

I'm procrastinating cause I've been doing work all night so I'm now really bored and badly miss Pete (my ex). It's unreal how close we have gotten again and we talk nearly all the time but I keep checking like every five minutes to see if he is online yet. His sleeping pattern is all messed up again so he is still probably asleep even though it's almost 11pm. I really want to talk/speak to him before I go to bed. It's very clear that we're gonna end up in a relationship again and I have mixed feeling about it cause I'm happy cause I love him but at the same time I'm terrified that I will mess up again.

I wish he would hurry up and get online. I can't work for very long just now cause I get bored and my concentration completely slips.


It's Friday soon! My anutie and nephew are coming down on Friday and we're going to the zoo then I'm going home with them for the weekend even though I was home this weekend as well. Pete needs to hurry up, I can't think about anything else but him and it's driving me nuts. Anywho, see ya later.

Slutty dogs.

Thank you Lily for your constant support and kinda words. I listen to all your comments and take your advice onboard. You're such a kind, sweet, caring person.

I weighed myself for the first time in weeks today and I have lost 10 pounds! So happy about that. Going back to my accommodation tomorrow and I'm not dreading it that much actually which I guess is a positive sign.

Right now I'm having to seperate my dog and his girlfriend dog cause she is in heat and even though my dog has no balls, he's acting like a lovesick horny little shit. She is acting like a slut and putting her tail up for him and licking his feet and everything. *rolls eyes*

Turns out I can't run away from my problems. The flashbacks of Saturday are just as bad at home as they were in my room. I still want to self harm and I still feel suicidal. I feel like utter fucking shit.

I hate the police.

I stayed at the crisis centre last night because I was a suicidal mess and still am to be honest. Ah fuck I just got a phone call from the police so my anxiety is through the roof once again. Great now the suicidal thoughts are even worse. Anyway as I was saying, I stayed at the crisis centre last night after being at the mental hospital for 4 hours waiting for an assessment and they told me that I am extremely fragile and need support...ya think? I just got back from the crisis centre and I have an appointment with them tonight at 7 to make a crisis plan, basically putting measures in place so I don't kill myself. I've already arranged to go home tomorrow for the weekend which gets me away from this place and the stress of having to deal with my room and the police.

My auntie and nephew are coming down next Friday for the day then I'm going home with them but I feel like I needed something to focus on before then hence me going home this weekend. Fuck, I've never felt this kind of anxiety in my life. My room mate is fucking nuts. She has been acting strange since she found out what happened to me but not necessarily in a bad way I think, just in a weird way.

I'm pissed that the police phoned me cause I was doing moderately ok before they called and now I'm a mess again, thanks. I haven't eaten yet and really don't want to. If I had my way I wouldn't eat at all but so far people have been shoving food in front of me, staring at me and telling me to eat! I don't want to though, I have no appetite whatsoever. Oh and I have lost weight cause I got weighed during my medical examination at the police station and even though it was really late and I had a ridiculously heavy dinner, I was still lighter so fuck knows how much weight I have lost if  I was to weigh myself in the morning. I'll weight myself when I go home tomorrow, fingers crossed I have lost a fair amount of weight.

Got to be strong.

So, I'm back in my room and not having a major mental breakdown...yet. I honestly have the best friends ever. They came in to my room earlier, set up my bed and pinned photos and a letter up right next to my bed. The letter is one of the sweetest kindest things I have ever read. They told me how brave I have been and that they love me and will always be there for me. I then went on Facebook and got a message from my ex listing a heap of things he loves about me, I'll copy and paste it here.

Things I Love About Nikki...

1. Insanely cute, sweet, and charming, once she opens up a lil.
2. She appreciates the smaller things; the beauty in things, that most oversee, like trees.
3. Her voice is incredible; her giggles, laughs, and other little things have a habit of melting me.
4. She's defensive over what she truly cares about; the things that reallymean something to her, she'll defend, even at her own cost.
5. She has an awesome sense of humor; she'll get (most of) my silly crappy jokes and smart-ass comments.
6. She is clumsy as hell sometimes, and I have to admit, it's kinda cute, but, that said, she can SOMETIMES be graceful, and those times are particularly special. There's something very quirky, raw, and natural about this side of her, and I love it.
7. Her capacity to love, is so impressive... How much she can care about someone; about me, just blows me away.
8. Her brains! She's very smart, and that's always been something I've loved about her. She's typically modest, but I know what I'm on about; that girl's gotta brain.
9. I love that she relates to me, even with the bad stuff; she understands alot of the things that terrify me, and she is just so incredible with all that understanding.
10. The Nikki that gets hidden; the one I know better than probably anyone; she is what I love about Nikki.

You rock, even WITH your flaws, before you say anything. Sometimes it's the flaws that you even more beutiful to me.

Hope that brought a few smiles to you... Which reminds me...

11. Gorgeous smiles!!!


Is that not so sweet? These are the kind of things that are clinging me on to life. I went to student counselling today and they have booked me an emergency appointment with a doctor cause I want to die rather a lot. A few hours ago I was 100% sure that in a few days I was going to be dead but I realise how much I mean to my friends and family and once again they are keeping me alive. I've never been so supported before by friends. Yeah the police are wankers but my friends are fucking amazing.

Being in this room is so difficult because I can still smell and see him in here. I have no idea how I am going to sleep in here tonight or if I will even be alive by tomorrow morning. I'm honestly trying my best but everything is so difficult. Everytime I go out I have panick attacks and every man I see I instantly think of HIM. I know I have to be strong but fuck this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

He's getting away with rape as I live in fear and trying to piece my life back together yet again. I'm acting like such a bitch to my auntie cause I just don't want to talk about what happened with her, it's too painful. I've decided to stay in my flat and in the same room that it happened cause I feel like I need to get on with it even though I'm terrified that he will come back.


The police told me that they don't have enough evidence to charge him and that apparantly my mental health problems makes me see and believe things that may not have happened which is absolute bullshit. No is no, sorry did I just imagine that or is ok to say no and him still continue to have sex with me, hit me and wrap his hands around my throat? Fuck this, I should never have went to the police I knew they wouldn't believe me cause I'm just the crazy girl that hurts herself.

Just had one of the worst nights of my life. I haven't slept in near 48 hours because I have been at the police station and hospital being assessed and giving my statement. As we speak there's a guy in custody and I'm fucking scared when he gets out. He knows where I live, he goes to the same uni as me, he knows my friends...I just want to fucking die. I had the worst medical examination ever, I had to go through everything that happened over and over again. I can't do this.

Pathetic bitch can't even walk into my bedroom without bursting in to tears and running out. All my fucking fault.

I'm lying in bed about to try and get some sleep but I'm kinda scared to. I was at dancing tonight and about half way through the advanced class my mood plumeted and I was seconds away from having a panick attack. Everything went to shit and I wanted nothing more than to run out and cut. I could feel my heart getting heavier, the room was getting smaller, it felt like all the happiness in the world had disappeared and it was fucking scary. After that I somewhat gave up cause I couldn't concentrate or remember what I was doing.

I think I'm tired but I bet it will take me hours to actually fall asleep. Bed time is when I think the most but I really don't want to think, especially tonight. I have a headache aswell so I'm just overall feeling pretty damn shitty.

My ex got in touch yesterday so we have been messaging eachother and so far it's been alright. Ok I need to sleep now cause the screen is hurting my eyes.
Night, people.

Dancing.

Just a quick post. I went to the most amazing contemporary show tonight at the theatre and got to sit and listen to the cast as people asked them questions. Some of them didn't start ballet and contemporary dancing till really late one of them not till he was 21! There's some hope for me yet. I have the 2 hour contemporary workshop tomorrow on stage at the theatre with the cast and everything and I'm so freaking excited. I'm now attending 8 dance classes a week and my room mate has just asked if we could go to kickboxing tomorrow night. So I will have the 2 hour workshop in the afternoon then 1.5 hours of kickboxing in the evening. The day after I will have 2 hours of hip hop and on Friday I will have an hour of jazz and an hour of advanced contemporary. I must be mad!

I'm seeing someone from the self harm project on Friday also AND I have all my lectures, tutorials and work to fit in between all this lol. It's almost 1am and I need to have a shower before going to bed and I need to be up for a 9am lecture but I'm too excited and buzzed to sleep. I'm going to throw all my energy in to dance cause it means so much to me and makes me the happiest I have felt in a VERY long time and I mean years. This was meant to just be a quick blog.

Shower time before I procrastinate some more.
Night night.

Excited.

The days are gradually getting better and easier again thank fuck. Uni is stressful but that's the same for nearly every student, I just have several mental health problems to contend with on top of it all. I did shit on my math assessment tonight as I only got 30% or something crappy like that. I got an email from my math lecturer saying my performance in tests were poor and that I needed to come along for extra tuition. They're basically confirming what I've been saying for ages; I'm shit at math. Oh well, it's not like everyone is fabulous at math and I am good at Chemistry, I mean I am doing a degree on it so I must be alright at it. It feels like I'm doing a math degree cause all my work is for that but I'm getting by...just.

I went dancing tonight and it was great fun as always. It was the beginners contemporary tonight and I found it so much easier than the first time I went, maybe because I have been to the advanced class and to a fair few other dance classes as well. I feel like I'm becoming a better dancer and it's a great feeling. I do 5 classes a week although I would like to do more but ballet is at 6pm on a Monday and I have a History of Science lecture that doesn't finish till 6 so it kinda sucks. I wanted to do tap but I'm also trying to make time for my heavy work load and having a bit of time to myself aswell.

I am so excited for tomorrow cause I'm going to the theatre to watch a dance show. It's choreographed by a guy who choreographed the royal ballet and he's very well known so it should be amazing then the day after I have a professional contemporary workshop for two hours in the afternoon. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am for this. I feel like this is a one off experience...ah I think I might explode with excitment. Dancing makes me happy if you haven't gathered already.

My mum and auntie are coming down at the weekend and for once I am really looking forward to it. My relationship is so much better with my mum since I moved out again and I talk to my auntie on the phone several times a day. I feel quite lonely down here so I think I'm just looking foward to seeing some familiar faces and being able to be myself completely. I'm going shopping when they arrive and I'm going to buy a really nice jacket and some new converse, yay. I'm also going to treat them to a meal out and we've decided on a really nice Italian resteraunt. Yeah I'm somewhat scared of the food and the calories and people watching me eat but I refuse to let it destroy my weekend.

Talking about this reminds me of how alone I feel here. I don't really talk to anyone apart from small talk. No wonder I phone my auntie all the time. I have no friends in class, I have no close friends in my flat, I never see my best friend cause we're both busy with uni and my other best friend lives hours away. I might talk to my new self harm support worker about it cause I'm sure she'll be able to help in some way. Penumbra (the self harm group) hold an art group so I might see if I can get into that. I hate feeling this alone, I feel empty. I wish I had more friends or someone to talk to. Oh well, I'll try to keep my head up and besides tomorrow is the show then wednesday is the workshop and it's only 3 days after that I'll get to see my mum and auntie. I might even go out Friday night to chillax and have a good time.

Sorry for the long blog, I guess I just needed to talk.
See ya.

Light switch to the brain.

I'm an idiot. I've just realised that the reason I am probably feeling a bit better is because I have been taking my medication constinstently again. I should really just fucking learn that I need my medication to keep myself on the straight and narrow.

No more missing it or avoiding taking it. So what if I NEED them, many people are on mdication for their entire lives, right? I still feel like a total failure for being dependant on them though.

Breathing.

I'm in the middle of doing math stuff and so far I haven't broken down in tears yet lol. Nah it's going alright although I am really beginning to struggle now and I can't make sense of it no matter how hard I try.

I stayed in last night and had a quiet, relaxing night for once. I binged but I'm not beating myself up too much about it although I can feel the self hate bubbling inside me. I haven't cut in a few days and it's getting a little easier although I do still want to cut pretty bad. I've been on a non-stop binge today which is pissing me off but oh well. I just thought I would take a break from all the work I have to do.

People say that when you're at uni you have no work to do and that it's all partying...bullshit. Yeah there is a fair bit of partying and stuff but the work load is still pretty intense, it certainly is for sciences anyway. I've been letting the stress get on top of me and I haven't been taking any time to just breath but today I'm really trying to be better.

I'm taking one day/hour/minute at a time.

I should be happy.

I'm alive.
I'm not cut to bits.
I didn't get ridiculously drunk last night.
I'm not lying in a hospital bed half dead.

I should be happy about that right? I'm not happy unless I am destroying myself and that's all I want right now.