Fading away

I have scars on every part of my body and I am okay with that, they are part of me now. But they are fading and I don't like it at all. I used to have extensive scars on my legs and the ones on my left leg are almost all white. Yes they are still scars but they don't look bad. My left arm which was horrendous is now not so bad. I know my scars are still bad but I don't like that they are fading. It feels like a huge part of me is fading away and I know people will say that it's only skin and that I should be happy but with those scars, carries memories.

With so many, when I self harm no one really notices because there is so many already. Yeah they'll notice if they're fresh but not new scars. What if when they fade I go cut my body to shreads again? They show all my pain and when they go there will be nothing left. I have lived with for so long that I don't really want them to go away. It would be nice wearing shorts and short sleeved tops but I know that even when they fade I will have to have something to cover them up. They give me an excuse to hide my body. With them carries shame, pain and so many other things. It prevents me from getting really close to new people. They show vulnerability which I hate but that's another reason to hide them. People that know me think that I cover up to hide my scars but I also cover up to hide my fat body. I hate my body and it needs to be covered.

You know what's ironic? I'm actually making food while I type this. I know I need to lose weight and I desperately want to but I can't stop binging. I'm over eating because I'm so emotional and I eat a fuck ton when I'm like this. I want pancakes and jam but I ate 5 pancakes so they're finished. I'm making tortellini right now but don't really fancy it. I want something else but I don't know what. ICE CREAM! I have ice cream in the freezer! My life is complete.