Aaaaargh!

AAAAARGH!

I seriously want to rip the shit out of my skin right now cause it's so itchy. It started off with my arms just being itchy which is probably normal cause they are healing but then I picked them and scratched them but I'm not classing it as self harm. Now my whole frigging body is itchy, it's like I've got fucking fleas. It's getting me really angry and worked up and triggering me for some reason.

Fucking, aaaaargh. Sorry I had to make this blog to see if distracting myself would work any but my skin is still crawling.

Doing good.

I haven't binged, purged or cut since I moved which was on Saturday. Even before then actually but I'm really pleased with myself for not fucking up yet. Yesterday I was ill but I feel better today and my medication is really beginning to work. My anxiety has calmed down a lot and I can actually think without my mind racing with 500 different thoughts and triggering me. Overall I'm doing good other than obsessing over food and calories but it's better than binging and purging. My arm is still really fucked up from last week but there's not much I can do. I was told to go the nurse early this week but I can't book an appointment till after freshers which is next week so I'll just have to make do.

Sorry, I've rambled. I hope you're all doing alright.

I've arrived.

I'm all unpacked and no where near settled. I really need my BPD and avoidance persoanlity disorder to give me a break cause I'm convinced that everyone in my flat hates me and I'm terrified of being rejected. I already feel left out and the odd one out. I was trying to put make up then started crying cause I thought they left without me. I'm guzzling back the alcohol to try and make myself more social, this may be a bad idea or a very good one. I just want a break from my mental health problems for one night.

Move day.

Tomorrow is the big move day back to University in Edinburgh and I can't wait. I'm so excited to move in and meet all my new flatmates. I'm nervous as well and not looking forward to saying goodbye to my 11 year old nephew who has been like a little brother to me.

I might not get on to update for a while but wish me luck! New life here I come!!!

Bit better.

I think I'm doing a bit better since being back on my medication other than yesterday, I was ill and it felt like I had overdosed on fuck loads of tablets but I think that was because of my medication cause I'm feeling better today.

I know I've been avoiding people and haven't been posting on THIN or commenting on blogs but that's cause I really haven't felt up to it.

I haven't self harmed since the other night and because my arms are so bandaged up I can't cut my arms which overall is a good thing I reckon. My body probably needs a serious break from self harm anyway. I've been distracting myself a lot. Monday night I went to see my brother's partner then went to the cinema with my cousin and yesterday I visited my friend for the day and didn't get home till 12am. It was amazing seeing my friend again even though I barely spoke and my mood wasn't the best but I tried my best. She told me she was proud of me doing so good, it's safe to say I didn't tell her that my arms and legs are destroyed with cuts.

But yeah, my medication is beginning to work I reckon, thank fuck.

Last night. (Edited)

Last night was a nightmare.
I cut REALLY badly but was too weak and pathetic to tell my mum so she could take me to the hospital.
Instead I told my auntie this morning then went to the health centre. The nurse said I was incredibly lucky cause I was extremely close to blood vessels, nerves and veins so I'm pretty lucky I'm alive.
I needed stitches but it was too late and she told me they would likey do more harm than good cause it could nick a blood vessel or nerve and they couldn't take the risk.
I've been told I'll be left with severe scaring and I was ordered to see the doctor this afternoon. I have an appointment in an hour and the nurse said that by the looks of things I should most definitely be back on medication.
I have to go back to the nurse on Thursday to get my arms seen to cause they're in a bad way. I can barely move my arms cause she bandaged them up so much.

Medication might not be a bad idea cause at this rate I'll be dead by the end of the week. I've told my auntie not to tell my mum cause I can't have her knowing about this and I've only told my auntie the basics.

I can't get on THIN again cause of server issues or something along those lines but if anyone who reads this that's on THIN then know that I'm alive and I also want to thank people for their support last night.


EDIT:  I went to the doctor who has put me back on medication. My anti-psychotics are double the dose of when I was taking them before a few months back and I'm also back on anti-depressants. He was hesitant giving me medication because of the risk of me overdosing, lets just say my medical record isn't a pretty picture. 
I feel like I'm right back at square one and I feel like the world's biggest failure. I know I need to pick myself up from this but what if I can't? The doc wants me to get help as soon as I move but he himself admitted that I'm in a difficult situation what with having to study and everything surrounding that and then getting help on top of that is very risky.
I can't fuck this up again, I seriously can't. I need to get a fucking grip and fast but it's so difficult. I'm firmly set in my self destructive ways again.
FAILURE!

 

I can't fight this anymore.
Fuckingweakpatheticbitch.

I give up.