Such a mess.

So while I'm all drugged up on anti-psychotic meds and not a suicidal mess I thought I would update on here.

My ex boyfriend called the police on Monday because I was about to kill myself and the idiot I am told him that I was feeling really unsafe. They came and I was reluctant to co operate but gave them my pills and sat back down but I had a razor in my pocket and I was cutting my hand while they were there. They noticed my blood covered hand and demanded that I emptied my pockets. The paramedics came and told me I had to go to the hospital to get a psych evaluation or else the police would take me and lock me in a cell. I went with them but got outside and I saw broken glass on the ground and I impulsively picked up the broken bottle, I had to fight with 3 male police officers who eventually got the bottle out my hand then put me in handcuffs. They escorted me to the hospital where I had two police officers sat with me at all time and no matter how much I asked to get the handcuffs off they refused. They wouldn't even give me my keys cause I was using them to hurt myself aswell. One of the police officers kept telling me to stop struggling in the handcuffs but I was getting burns from them by turning them so much and all I wanted was to harm so it was something. Two female officers came and took over and searched me for any other blade.

I was sat there for hours then eventually got a psych evaluation but I just wanted them to let me go home so I could die as I wanted nothing more. They refused to let me go home so got the intensive home care treatment team to come down and see if they would take me on as they are an alternative to inpatient and they try to keep people out of hospital at all costs. The police wanted me inpatient or in a police cell but eventually agreed to let me go home. I got meds and got through the night but the day after I went to my appointment, got more medication but then went out and bought a heap of pills and bleach and intended on killing myself. I finished off my suicide notes and was about to take the pills and drink the bleach but passed out on the bed and when I woke up I took more anti-psychotics and passed out again. The day after that I went to my appointment and told them I had the pills and such and they just told me they would phone me at 8pm and they did but not till after 9pm and I told them I badly wanted to take the pills and they didn;t even talk to me for 5 minutes. They told me to keep mindful and that they would phone me tomorrow afternoon...like yeah thanks a fucking bunch you useless arseholes.

So at 9.30-10pm I went out for a walk and climbed up this huge hill and at the top you can see the entire city, it was pitch black but really peaceful. I phoned my auntie and told her and my mum partly what happened but obviously not about the almost killing myself bit. I sat up there for over an hour smoking and trying to clear my head then eventually went back. I poured the bottle of vodka down the sink, flushed the pills and bleach down the toilet aswell when I got back. I'm back at home with mum right now and am drugged up on anti-psychotic meds that the doctor was shocked at. I phoned the doctor up at my mums to get meds to last me till Monday and he said "bloody hell Nikki, does that not knock you out cold cause that would have me passed out".

Hopefully the meds can keep me going for the weekend but I dunno what I will do when I have to go back to uni on Monday, no doubt I will turn into a suicidal mess again and self harming to cope. Can't believe I am in such a mess, I'm trying though.