Help?

I posted this on THIN and I'm posting it here cause I'm fucking desperate.


I needed to talk/vent or I'm gonna go absolutely fucking insane. Since Saturday I have been on this huge self destructive roller coaster. I cut really badly on Saturday and punched a wall, same on Sunday and then on Monday. I was in the hospital twice cause I need to be patched up and to get an x-ray and some lovely psych evaluations. *rolls eyes* I'm being referred urgently to my community psych team and to a bunch of other people but I wasn't listening at this point. On Tuesday I was at breaking point in the kitchen having a really bad panic attack because I wanted to take all the pills that were in the kitchen and dip my hand in the pan of boiling water. I went home that night and stayed until today but as soon as I got back I self harmed really badly. I had to go to the hospital and I was there for 3 hours, they spent that long patching me up. They literally had to re-cut my skin to be able to stitch it because it was more than 24 hours since I did it and it was so bad that it desperately needed stitched. In 2 cuts I have 12 stitches. The doctor had to give me heaps of anaesthetic to numb the cuts but he didn't numb all the areas so I felt him putting the hook of the stitches through my arm and I didn't complain once, he asked if it was numb and I said yeah. LIES! I felt ashamed and so fucking depressed that I needed to feel pain.

No one knows I'm self harming again because it will destroy EVERYTHING! My kind of boyfriend has told me that I can visit him in december and all I can think about is how am I meant to stop cutting and let them heal before then. I can't do this. I'm 100% sucked back into this self harm addiction and it's ALL I can think about. I have already planned my next huge cutting session and potential overdose and I'm scaring myself. I am more than capable of doing it. I have no one to talk to, fuck I'm so scared. Help me?