Happy Nikki.

I finally went to see Harry Potter today and it was amazing. I'm sad that it's all over now but man the last film was so freaking good. I had to stop myself from standing up on my chair and cheering in the cinema at certain points. Ah man it was so emotional and action filled and I was glad to see they kept a lot of the important bits from the book in the film. I'm still excited now. I really wanna go see it again and again.

I also got some new trousers which I love and when I tried them on in the shop I wasn't filled with self hate and disgust. :)

However when I got up both mum and my auntie commented on my weight yet again. They said "you're looking a lot thinner again which doesn't make sense with all the shit you've been eating." I told them that they were delusional and they said "your waist is littler, your shoulders are skinny and your back looks thinner as well but you still have a huge arse." At least we agree on my arse, lol. They must be really dumb to have not sussed it by now but ah well, I'm not complaining.

It's been a good weekend so far and I hope it continues like this.

Trigger.

My mum and auntie are taking me to Tesco in a bit and the urge to binge is surreal and I know that I'm gonna buy a heap of binge food. I don't want to binge but I really do. 


Keep having bad flashbacks which triggers off binges, I know this now. Flashbacks are gradually getting worse again and it's so fucking hard to deal with. I don't want to winge about the flashbacks or my past but I want it all to stop, I want to forget so badly. 


Gonna go now.

Binge it all away.

Away to binge like a mother fucker just because I can and the small issue of feeling like total shit but not much has changed there.

Pete told me he still loved me the other day and ever since, I have been avoiding him like the plague.

Mum thinks she has cancer and the doctor has referred her to a specialist at the hospital and me being the heartless closed off bitch I am, barely reacted.

I didn't wake up till late today cause I thought dream world was the real world so kept going back to sleep to avoid whatever I was dreaming about and thought was real. I told Pete a bit about it only so he didn't think I was ignoring his texts (which I was also doing) and he told me he doesn't think I'm ready to go back to uni and he sticks by that. Fuck that, I'm going back to uni whether he like it or not, also whether I'm fucked up or not.

Life goes on if I'm unhinged or not.

Time to binge my feelings away.

Titles suck

I should really learn to blog earlier cause the later it gets the more my mood falls and I'm fed up of this all being depressing shit and I care what people think of me and if anyone has been reading this for any amount of time, I'm pretty sure they'll think I'm an attention seeker or just a stupidly depressed, over dramatic biatch.

Pete (my ex) is doing his very best to make me laugh and smile at every chance he gets. I really don't know why he's bothering with me. I'm still refusing to get too close to him and I've pretty much told him that I don't want to be close to anyone ever again. He didn't take it too well and refuses to give up on me/us. I didn't realise how closed up I have gotten till he got back in touch and tonight I think I'm acting really cold but it's just cause I'm feeling shitty and somewhat numb and not much emotions are registering with me so Pete being honest with me isn't affecting me as much as it should. For example this was said earlier.

Pete: "I just wanted to say that I miss you so much.. I miss how we were, when we were happy.. I miss YOU when you were.. well.. you. I wish I could turn back the time. I wish you didn't do things. I wish it was a perfect world in which you never left when you came here, and that we got a place together, somehow, and actually got what WE wanted, for a change."


He should have given up a long time ago, I'm not worth his time and he deserves better. I apparantly still help him, make him smile and laugh, make him happy and brighter, I inspire him to write good poetry and do some awesome shit on his guitar amongst other things. I broke him and he should have learnt to stay away from me.

I'm not a good person hence why I can't let anyone get close to me ever again and also it might keep me somewhat sane.

I'm sorry for the self pity once again but here I can be honest, mostly anyway.

Stupid idiot.

Make it stop, please? Make all of it stop.

A bath should be simple and relaxing but for me it's my worst nightmare. I thought it would be ok but it wasn't and now my leg is all fucked up with cuts...the most I have had in a long time.

Right now I don't want to live, I want to escape from all of this.

I'm scared of what I might do next.

Why can't I be normal? Why can't I stop shaking?

Nothing much to be said.

Had an alright day.

This ED is seriously kicking my ass though.

Everything is getting me down at the moment.

Don't really want to say much more cause I'm depressed enough as it is.

I hope all you guys are alright. <3

I think I might need help.

The binging and purging is getting out of control and with it comes the overwhelming self hate which is building each day, making me want to self harm an extraordinary amount.

I know deep down that everything is getting worse and out of control but I keep telling myself it'll be fine...denial basically.

I mean what's the point in going to the doctor? I'm moving to another city in September and I'll be back at uni which has the potential of making things worse but that's not really the point. I've been waiting months now for an appointment at psychotherapy and am still waiting despite me being put up the waiting list, having a really bad self harm episode and attempting suicide.
So it's not like I'm going to get help with this eating disorder before September if my other issues haven't been dealt with yet.

Also I'm really fucking fed up with psychiatrists/psychologists and the fucking rest of them. I'm an impossible patient and even more so since my anger got worse cause I completely shut down and also with not liking people very much it makes it almost impossible. I can change my mind about someone very quick and it doesn't really take a lot for me to dislike a person...yeah I'm well aware that I'm a bitch.

I've almost accepted that I will most likely have to live this way for the rest of my life and never get any decent help.

Now if you excuse me I'm away to eat till I die.

This blog has become so depressing. I'll be surprised if anyone still reads this.
Sorry.