I had a cancellation appointment today at psychotherapy and everything in me was telling me not to go but I did and I'm actually really glad cause the man I saw was amazing and he didn't bullshit me or treat me like a brain dead 12 year old. He picked up very quickly that I didn't look at him or the other doctor once which was a good thing cause it sparked off the very difficult conversation where I was really honest for the first time ever with someone like him. I don't have much time seeing him as I leave for another city on the 10th of September but he is going to see me till then and try to deal with the most pressing matters which is my anger. I had to fill in yet more forms, one of which was a personality one that was 20 pages long and had about 7 questions per page. I had another form to fill in about my childhood and shit but he said to me that he doesn't want to delve into my past as he thinks it's the last thing I need right now and it has the potential to get messy and make me very unstable and what I need right now is stability. He picked up that I make my mind up about someone very quick and either like them or hate them and once my opinion is made it's almost impossible to change it.
Before today I was determined that I wanted nothing more to do with professionals but now I dunno. He thinks it would be wise for me to have help when I move and also thinks I should go back on my antipsychotic medication which I'm not all keen on but we'll see. I'm at the stage where I would do almost anything to control my anger.
I however didn't mention how bad the binging and purging is, something I probably should have done cause starving my brain from every nutrient it needs may affect my concentration somewhat when I go to univeristy again. I met with my self harm support work afterwards and we sat in a graveyard in the middle of town as it was sunny and we spoke for about an hour. She thinks I really need to mention my "eating issues" to the psychotherapy people next week but I don't know.
Let me tell you something, lying is a hell of a lot easier then telling the truth and it doesn't take as much energy. I'm knackered as I didn't sleep last night and when I came back from my appointment at about 3pm I lay on the sofa and slept for about an hour so I'm real sleepy and moody right now.
That's my mum home and here comes the one million questions that I'm not in the mood for.
But do you know something? I'm actually really proud of myself for today.
I'm glad you've found a professional that you've clicked with, it makes the whole process much easier when you understand each other because I've found you tend to have a bit more respect for one another on that circumstance. I'm sure you'll talk about your food demons if and when it feels right. I totally agree with you about the lying too. I think the emotional drain you get from having to honestly talk about something can knock you out for days! I'm glad you're feeling proud of yourself, you should feel proud :)
ReplyDeleteStay strong, much love xxx
You should be proud of yourself <3
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