Today has been a better day, kinda.
Granted, I now want to cut and probably will but the urges haven't crippled me today.
I however did come to a realisation.
The things that I am living for and are keeping me alive are the things that could and very likely will kill me and already is.
Sad but so true.
My phone broke today and I felt like a part of me had ripped out my chest lol. I hated not being able to phone my auntie and having a random conversation with her, I missed checking the time, I missed knowing that it was there for whenever I needed it, I also missed it during lectures.
Early night tonight I reckon but I need to cut first, hopefully not too bad though. I have to pick my room mate from the hospital tomorrow because she is having an abortion and needs to stay in for 4-6hours. It makes me sad that she is doing this but it's her choice and I respect that. I have a doctors appointment that hopefully I will be able to make but I'm nervous about it cause of the hospital incident and stuff.
Fuck I want to cut.
I need to go to bed I reckon cause the anxiety and crippling emotions are beginning to break through again. I need to wash my hair too but that will be difficult with a bandaged up arm.
I also wanted to thank Lily and Jessie a huge amount for their comments lately as it means so much to me. Thank you! <3
Hope you are all well. Xxx
The use of "I reckon" sort of made me giggle... jus'sayin.
ReplyDeleteAnyways; said it before and I'll say it again. It will get easier. I never really got caught up in self-harm too bad, but I have days like this. They're hard, but you'll see one day that there are more reasons not to hurt yourself then the other way around.
I know it's hard, but as long as you keep trying, then it's all good. :)
Oh, don't thank me. I just want you to be happy. :D
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I'm glad that at least today has been better and you can see that, even though you still wanna cut
ReplyDeleteYour realisation is so true, and it's horrible :/ I used to think that too but in recovery I've found there's so much more to life than starving and cutting and things, and I wish you could see that :(
Awww sorry to hear your phone broke, I've had many many phones and each time I've broken one or lost one (even the really crappy ones), I've felt like I'm not safe so I get it :( maybe buy a cheapo £10 one?
Aww I think things like abortion are always different when you're in the situation :/ like, I can say now that I would never abort, but whether or not that's true if I get in the situation.
I hope the docs goes well :) and try and keep busy?
Anytime :) xxxx