Unspoken words.

I've spent around 7 maybe more hours on math today and I still haven't done the assessment that has to be done for 9am tomorrow morning. I can't get past the quiz that needs 60% to then go on to the assessment and it's not through lack of trying I just can't do it and it's now 12.10am and I have a 9am lecture so no way am I staying up for several more hours doing something that is stressing me out.

I have an assessment with the self harm project tomorrow which is good cause they bumped me way up the waiting list cause of my recent behavour. The good thing about maths and studying overall is that it's a great distraction. Granted when I went to the doctor today she demanded to see my arms and saw that the other one has been cut up as well so that required a trip to the nurse. Ironically it hurts worse than my stitched up arm, I don't know why I find that funny. It's gotten to the point where self harm doesn't phase me again and I'm not scared of it. I'm not scared of hurting myself anymore, I just do it which is sad and hopefully it won't always be this way but for the moment it's the one thing keeping me going and helping to relieve some of my stress. It makes me feel like less of a failure but not always. I'm not saying self harm is good cause I'm not and I would discourage anyone else doing it but for me it's keeping me together and it feels like a huge part of me.

I've been feeling really suicidal and the cutting helps with that. I'm shit at telling people how I feel as I'm so good at putting on a front but look under the clothes and my skin screams out more than I could ever express verbally. This whole blog has turned into a self harm blog which I'm sorry for but I find it a hell of a lot easier talking about this than my eating disorder at the moment and also how I'm feeling.

Time to go and fuck around with things.
See ya!