Falling apart.

Today and yesterday have been VERY bad days. I got through yesterday without self harming but I have no idea why but today I had to go to the hospital because of it. I broke down in maths cause I was feeling so overwhelmed with emotions and urges to harm so when I came home I text my last self harm support worker cause I don't have a new one yet and she told me to write her a long ranting email about everything and I did and I held on for as long as I could but then I just broke and cut.

I didn't even think I cut that bad apart from one of them that wouldn't stop bleeding so I went to the doctor and got an emergency appointment and they ordered me to go to the hospital to get stitches. The nurse or doctor at the hospital told me I better not be making a mess on the floor and that instantly pissed me off. It's like, well how about you give me a towel or something so I'm not bleeding all over the floor. He had to give me several sticthes, glue and steri-strips just to patch my arm up. I was lying there almost completely numb and beginning to feel the guilt pile on top of me. The anaesthetic is starting to ware off so my arm hurts like a bitch...good. No one other than the doctor, my self harm support worker and you guys, know about this. I can't and won't tell my mum and auntie cause they will only worry. I feel so alone though and I hate it.

All of us are going out for an Indian meal tonight and I really don't feel up to it. I have so much uni work to do and I could easily just die in a hole somewhere right now. Things are falling apart.