Hugely eventful weekend.

On Friday I had a one night stand for the first time in my life. I just met the guy a few hours before I brought him back to the flat. His name was Andy, he will be 27 this week (9 years older than me) and has a 14 month old daughter called Ruby. He was pissed (so was I) and high on cocaine (I wasn't). Because he was high he was having erectile issues, lol. That however didn't stop him from being amazing with his hands and such. Before me, he hadn't had sex for 18 months which is just a little longer than me at 13-14 months. He told me as he sat down on my bed that he didn't come back for sex and that he really just wanted a kiss and a cuddle which he got in excess. As we lay on the bed kissing, we would stop and talk for ages then get back to the sexual stuff. He cuddled me the entire time we spoke and played with my hair (I love it when people do that). I was wondering how I was having a conversation about Brittish comedy with a guy in my bed...it's just so weird for me. He was forceful but gentle and holy shit this blog is fucking tmi but it's my blog and I want to talk about this. Apparantly last week I was chatting up John at my flat party but he told me he doesn't take advantage of drunk 18 year old girls..thankfully!

On Friday there was a part of the night where I got so upset because everyone was reminding me of the guy that sexually abused me and I broke down in tears in front of John who demanded to know what was wrong so I basically told him my life story. I need to monitor my alcohol levels cause I tend to be far too honest with people and blurt shit out that when I'm sober I keep hush hush.

One of the main reasons I don't have one night stands is cause I am covered in scars and that's not an exaggeration so when Andy was taking my leggings off all I could say was 'fuck fuck fuck, oh fuck' lol. He didn't mention it or say anything bad about them so I thought I should bring it up. He was telling me that he was such a fuck up and that he has done some really bad things but he's sorting himself out now so at that point I said ' you probably noticed that I have a lot of scars on my legs' and he said 'yeah I noticed' and that's when I told him I self harm and he was so sweet about it all. He cuddled me and kissed me and said it was ok. Being that close to someone again is amazing even if it was just for a night. He said he wants to see me on Tuesday when he's not high on cocaine and blind drunk but he was high and drunk when he said that, lol. He text me yesterday which is a good sign I guess. I showed him out the block of flats, kissed him goodbye and came back in. After like 2 minutes in the kitchen I went back in my room to find my room mate on the chair and I was like 'fucking hell, you're lucky you didn't walk in 10 minutes ago'. She was also really drunk, it was hilarious.

THEN last night my best friend from up North visited for the night and we got so so so drunk. She invited round 6 people that we both know from last year and the plan was to pre-drink at mine then go out to a club...we never got to the club cause of me. I ended up rolling around on the floor then pucking everywhere. At this point as my head was down the toilet and I was shoving my fingers down my throat to be sick to feel better, my friend told my other friend that they had to stop me because I'm bulimic and I can't do this. FUCK! She told him I was bulimic man, like fuck! They were both holding my arms back at full force to stop me from purging my way. They would have been aswell holding me down on the ground. They took me to bed, feeding me water every minute but I was sick in bed AGAIN, on the floor, in my shoes AGAIN and basically everywhere. The kitchen floor is still wet cause aparantly I spilt water everywhere. I didn't even think I was that drunk so it must have been mixing my drinks that done it cause I drank more the night before and didn't puke. So today I am majorly hungover and generally feeling rather shit.

I went down and spoke to John when I woke up cause I needed someone to talk to and he was great. All day I have been fighting huge urges to cut and I'm pretty certain by the end of the night that I will have fucked my arms up really bad cause the urges are just too much and honestly I do have plans to do it, sorry. I've been binging a fair bit today and purging actually. My throat is killing me along with the rest of my body. I was shoveling spagetti and tuna down my mouth with my fingers cause eating it with a fork took too long, fuck sake. I am so pathetic. I hate myself and I hate life right now. I want to crawl in a corner somewhere and cut everything away. I hate feeling like this. I refuse to cry. Fuck.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

I bet no one has got this far but if you have, thank you and sorry. I'm away to eat some more then cut. See ya!