I don't know why the fuck I went and looked at his online journal but I did and I wish I didn't. I'm talking about my ex, the one I royally fucked over with my self destructive behaviour. I was reading through it and came across this sentence;
"I imagine not many even care... ha... funny word, especially when people abuse the fuck out of it, then make a dick of you: "I care about you." - No you fucking don't"
I know that was aimed at me and reading it hurt more than I can even describe. He just doesn't get it. Yeah I was self destructive and selfish but that doesn't mean I don't care about him. I wouldn't go to bed everynight and cry for hours thinking about him and how much I've fucked up if I didn't care. He wants no contact from me and I have done what he wanted.
I'm sat here in absolute pieces after reading what he said. Can't say I don't deserve it though.
Later: FFS, I really feel myself slipping big time. I went upstairs and woke my mum up then had to nearly run into my bedroom having a panic attack and crying. I picked up the razor and kept rocking back and forth crying. Why do I always fuck up? I haven't tried to kill myself again because of him and knowing that another selfish, self destructive act wasn't going to make things any easier.
I can't get that sentence out my head, it's playing over and over again and my brain won't shut the fuck up. Yeah I know I'm worthless, pathetic, selfish etc etc etc but I wish my brain would stop reminding me of this every god damn second. I really want to cut and nothing is really stopping me seen as he is out my life but there's still that massive part of me that wants to prove to him that I can recover from all this self destructive behaviour...not that it's gonna make any difference as I've well and truley fucked him up and things between us.
Why can't I stop destroying everything?
I wish no one cared so I could die.
I wish I could go back to hurting myself all the time without a single soul knowing about it.
I wish a lot of things...
I fucking hate myself so much.
Yeah I should probably stop feeling sorry for myself now but I've fucking had it with all of this shit. Why me?
I'm horrible at trying to help people feel better, but I want you to know you're not alone, and hurting yourself isn't going to help anything, even if it feels like the only thing that will make you feel better right now.
ReplyDeleteIt'll be okay... Be careful.
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:[ i really don't know what to say. you don't deserve to feel so rubbish, promise. :[
ReplyDeleteyou're not selfish
you're not pathetic
you're not worthless
you are you. you are beautiful and amazing and intelligent, but your disorder doesn't let you see that :[ i jus hope you can believe me more than your brain :[
xxx