Badly want to binge, yet there is that part of me screaming at myself not to. I can almost feel that part inside of me crying and begging, it's almost like there is a person sitting inside me, breaking down. The other part is telling me to go and eat everything I can get my hands on. I feel disgusting already and I haven't binged yet. The fear is building inside of me, so much so that I want to throw up...ironic, huh?
My auntie handed me a stir-fry with noodles earlier and after picking at it and eating bits here and there for about an hour and a half, I fed it to my dog, he was more interested in it than me. How can I restrict so much yet want to binge and binge and binge. Yesterday I went on a 6 hour binge...throwing up the majority of it. Today when I got up the thought of food was repulsing me...why the fuck do I want to binge now?
So fed up of this endless cycle. I don't want to binge anymore, I don't want to purge anymore. I hate purging so much that I have to grab on to things on my way to my room so I don't fall over. I hate that feeling of my head about to explode because I have been purging for so long. I hate that I turn into a Gollum type creature when I binge.
I hate it all yet I still do it and want to do it now. Fuck this.
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