Fucked up.

So I was thinking about some things and I remembered something my self harm support worker mentioned; she asked if I had ever been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I told her that no one tells me anything but I doubt it. I didn't really know what it was even though I had heard of it but I didn't know the symptoms or whatever.

Anyway I decided to do some research on it tonight just for the sake of it and I was sat here reading it and I honestly went "oh for fucks sake, you've got to be shitting me, fucking bastards" I totally forgot that my mum and auntie were sitting in the same room as me but oh well. I fit every single diagnostic symptom and nothing has ever made sense like this. No wonder my self harm support worker brought it up. She's the only person I am completely honest with and who knows pretty much everything that goes on in my head...kinda.

Doesn't even fucking matter though seen as psychiatrists, psychologists and the rest of them won't take me seriously. Me being a stubborn, self centred, over sensitive, manipulative, vague...whatever, certainly doesn't help matters.  But I don't see how I can ignore this as it makes so much sense. My ex just thought I was a paranoid schizophrenic with some major problems but maaaan...my eating disorder even fits into this and the self harming and suicide attempts and every other fucking thing.

I'm so fucking pissed off right now cause no one will fucking help me and I don't even know if that's just me twisting the whole situation or not.

It's true, I can't handle happiness or achievment cause each time this happens I turn it all into negative things, especially self harming and sometimes even suicide attempts which is insane. It's why I'm scared about going back to uni, incase I actually do well.

I'm so fucked up it's unreal. Sometimes I just think I'm an attention seeking whore. Sometimes I'm almost screaming for help yet I push it all away...

I feel empty.

I'm going to have no one left in my life at this rate.

If people knew what was really going on in my head they would run 500,000 miles away.

This is another long blog feeling sorry myself.

Why the fuck am I angry now?

 Is it really any wonder why I used cut myself to pieces every fucking day? 

This isn't going to end well.

My mind is racing.

Why can't I focus on just one thing?

Also not surprised I have suffered from headaches my entire life.

I've often thought about doing some awful crime that will get me sent to prison for the rest of my life and that way no onewill have to deal with my fucked up shit anymore plus everyone will hate me. They would probably let me die in prison. I'm so fucked up.