I miss self harming and I know I shouldn't but more and more I have wanted to go back to it. At the same time I don't want to go back to doing that shit over and over again everyday. I also don't want to hurt others but it's not like I've never managed to hide it before.
It's difficult quiting after 9 years and especially with it being really bad over the past few years. I'm trying to stay positive but I'm naturally a negative person (towards myself anyway). I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore. I hate myself so much and I can't help but to think that cutting away all my problems will help.
I feel so alone, that's probably why I spend so much time online.
I'm so fucking selfish and self centred and my brain won't let me change. Fed up of all these fucked up thoughts. I'm fed up of resenting everyone and everything for not letting me die or destroy myself...although I've been doing a pretty awesome job at destroying myself.
I miss my ex so badly. I can't believe how much I fucked that up. I warned him that I would destroy it all, including him. It's what I do, I destroy everything good in my life. I can't handle happiness, how pathetic is that?
I've had it. I can't cope with not hurting myself anymore...lol that's kinda funny cause I would say binging and purging everyday is hurting myself somehow but it's not the same, I can't control that. I'm kidding myself, I can't control self harm either but right now I don't give a fuck.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Go put some ice on your old scars and tough up, girl. Write to your ex, or maybe not. Do something unlike you. Or watch Seven Pounds, if you can find it anywhere. It's great for that kind of mood, not saying you should do as the maincharacter does in the end, but it makes you realize how much you could actually do( for others!) Uhh. Drink some dietcoke and take a shower, clean yourself up and suck into some music. Do S O M E T H I N G.
ReplyDeleteplease don't do anything you'll regret. self-destructive behaviour doesn't fix problems, it compounds them. see if you can get help, maybe? ly. <3
ReplyDeleteI just clicked the follow button so I feel a short introduction is in order :P
ReplyDeleteHey there, I'm Róisín, I'm 18 and I've just finished my first year at university.
(It seems formal but I've decided to start doing this lol)
Anyway, I decided to comment on this post because I had posted one like it not so long ago... I know the release it brings and I know it's easy to miss it. But with the scars, bad memories stay with you forever...
I hope you keep trying to stop, it gets easier...
All the best, and hello again