I keep being a sarcastic bitch and I sorta love it cause it's how I am and I don't see why I should hide it.
Mum doesn't like me voicing my opinions and being like this but fuck her she will have to deal with it. I keep making jokes and being sarcastic about things and I don't know if I'm being serious deep down or not.
I keep joking that I'm going to get a sex change and that I'm going to become a nun. The nun part is bullshit of course...yeah I have a twisted sense of humour sometimes.
The sex change bit...ugh idk. Truth being told from when I as a lil kid I kept doubting I was a girl and I genuinely thought when I hit about 11 that I was a boy and this continued for years. Even now I doubt myself and it's stupid cause I've had boyfriends and I've had sex and my last boyfriend gave me several explicit details to prove to me that I as a girl and even then I wasn't sure...insane or what?
I'm sometimes alot more comfortable acting as a boy than a girl, man I have issues. It's maybe something to do ith me being bi but I really don't know.
I'm being rather up front with people lately...I've basically just been a complete bitch and I always have been but I've kept my thoughts in my head and never really voiced my opinions. I'm swearing more and my mum keeps telling me to be a lady and my responce "well I'm getting a sex change so that's solved" and she said so seriously "you're not, are you?" whatever. The mood I'm in it's very likely that I will blurt out that I'm bi and that yes I have kissed girls and fallen in love with girls so she can suck it. That's clearly not a very bright idea but I'm not thinking rationally right now.
I had a very public manic episode earlier; I was in my home town with my auntie and cousin and I went fucking loopy, my mind was racing and I started talking ridiculously fast then began shouting and jumping about all excited and honestly couldn't control what I was doing. I told them I was just excited to see my cousin and that it must have been the fresh air as I hadn't been out in quite a while but I don't think they bought it as I was fucking crazy. They told me to calm down or I was going to have a heart attack and it actually felt like I was about to.
My ex text me last night and it caught me by surprise. We texted for a short while and then when we finished texting I deleted his number and cried for ages. I don't think I can deal with talking to him right now cause it hurts too much and I need to get over him. Tbh I don't know if things will ever be the same...I destroyed things yes, and it's going to take a long time for us both to heal.
This blog is long yet again and I doubt anyone will bother reading it but I need to vent/rant/ramble, whatever you want to call it.
I've gotten a room; a student room that I will be sharing and the flat I will be sharing with 7 others. I really don't know how this is going to work out what with having fucking thousands of scars all over my body. How am I meant to get changed with someone staying in the same room as me without them noticing my scars? And what if my room mate is a major bitch? I haven't really thought this through but fuck it. That's my answer to everything lately; fuck it or fuck a duck. Swearing helps me to express myself so I'll continue being like this.
I'm bitter, very bitter...don't know why, don't care.
I'm having another manic moment and I fucking hate it. My heart feels like it's about to pop out my chest, my head about to explode, I keep shaking and I feel like adrenaline is pumping through my entire body at an alarming rate. I can't talk to people cause I talk too fast and laugh for no reason and it feels horrible. How can I feel like I'm a drugged up hyper mental person yet want to die at the same time and also want to cut myself to pieces? I really don't like this! I want to stop shaking. It's fine, it's normal and I'm sure everyone feels like this at some point.
My cousin is here who I haven't seen for ages and so is my nephew who I have just had on my back claiming to be a sloath attached to me. He also had me in a headlock...he is 10 years old and I'm 18.
I can't cope with this feeling, my head is throbbing and I feel so drugged. This is bullshit.
Hmm, this whole blog is bullshit.
If you got to the end of this, you deserve an honourship or some other shit.
I think you're thinking about things too much. You're over-analyzing everything. Don't worry about it right now. Don't worry about your roommate seeing you scars until you move in. You might be able to put up some sort of curtain or something so you can change behind it and you can say you are not comfortable changing in front of other people. Don't worry about anything in the past because it is the past. You should focus on he present and maybe the future some. As for a sex change, if that is what you want then do it. I will support you either way, but don't rush into it. Wait until you know for sure it is what you want and right now it sounds like you aren't sure.
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